Heads are About to Roll

Whoever turned Taylor Swift, the Love of my Life, into some dirty looking tramp better stand up and take credit for it RIGHT NOW. I'll turnover every stone and start stabbing everyone in the neck with a knife until I find the sick sonofabitch who convinced her to cake on the eye shadow and go with the bangs and after sex hair for her cover of Elle magazine. I've already lost sleep over this last night, and vow not to rest until this innocence taker is punished.

BTW Taylor, not to ever suggest that you're not perfect in every single way, but would it kill you to maybe do some squat thrusts or maybe just have a couple double cheesebergers now and then? I'm afraid that when the angels finally do bring us together and sing harmonous melodies as we make love, that I will break every bone in your body.