The Champ is Here

Okay, so obviously I have been out of the game for a few weeks now, and to be honest, I thought I was out for good. But the outcry has been loud and clear from the 3 or so people that read this blog... that without my semi-literate, haphazard, illogical rants, the air isn't as fresh, the water doesn't taste as crisp, but mostly that they have less things to kill time at work with.

So the watched pot is finally going to boil, and I'm back with the fire and fury of a thousand suns. The Champ is back and he's kickin' this thing into high gear. Got a whole bunch of new shit coming at you. And it's not just me... LOOK! Patty Shack even rebranded himself! (If you don't get Roll Tide, then one, you are an idiot, and two,  click here). And he saw a lot of punch bugs!!!

So, uh yeah, we're back bitches. Just please do us a favor and tape your boners down or tuck them up into your belts so this doesn't get awkward.

Why on God's green earth are there so many VW Bugs in Washington DC??

So I took a little trip down to Washington DC this weekend to drink some beers and see the Celtics beat the Wizards. Only one of those things happened, and it had nothing to do with the Celts. HOWEVER, what I did see was absolutely more impressive than that phallic Washington Monument or giant statue of honest Abe. What was it, you ask? Oh just approximately 9000 VW Bugs rolling through town. Okay clearly not but I swear to god it was at least over 30. Blue ones, white ones, black ones, convertibles, you name it and it was there. Just insanity.

I was there for about 40 hours. So by some simple math just there we have a ratio of almost 1 VW Bug per 1 hour I was there. But then you have to think of the hours I slept each night (roughly 3 am - noon both nights) plus all the time I was inside (buddy's apt, bar, Celts game) to realize that in the amount of time it was humanly possible for me to see one - let's call it 4 hours (definitely a high estimate) - that ratio isn't even close. Just gonna take a conservative guesstimate of 28 cars seen. Do you realize what that means? 7 fucking VW Bugs per hour! Just preposterous. There truly is no upper limit on my guess for this ratio had I been outside the whole time.

So, two thoughts:

1. There has to be some explanation for this and I will not rest until I know what it is. Do government workers get some sort of crazy deal on them? Is there something about them that makes them handle the DC terrain better than others? Is it the gas mileage? Do they make it easier to spy? Is everyone that drives one a German embassy employee and they get them for free? I need answers now.

2. Special Ed decided to bring back the whole Punch Bug game about a year or two ago now. Thought he was really something else with it there for a while, too. Well let me tell you something. I am like Jordan in his prime right now with the Punch Bug game. Like Bobby Fischer on the chess table, Beethoven on the piano and Ali in the ring, all rolled into one. There is NO stopping me. I literally can't even remember the last time someone got me. Special Ed even admitted today that it's been a long time since he got me with one. Uhh yeah dude I guess it's been a "long time" ...ha just kidding, that doesn't even do it justice. I think I can pretty much just do it with my eyes closed at this point. Took a trip up to Boston with our boy RobbieMo and literally beat him 13-0. Thirteen to fucking zero bro, really? Not even gonna put up a fight? Plus half the trip was in the dark, probably woulda been at least a 20 spot had it been all daylight. I was honestly considering just trying to punch myself by the end of it because it would've made the game more challenging.

So I bring this up because if I were Special Ed or RobbieMo, I'd be thanking my fucking lucky stars that I didn't go on this trip with me. I'm not even joking 0.001% when I say I think I might've just shattered one of their Humerus bones into a million pieces. Woulda been running for cover and shit the whole time, callin they mamas and telling them about that big bad man with the head on a swivel and a good eye for a weird lookin car.

Now, if only I could get the colors right...

In case you need another reason to hate LeBron - part ???

@KingJames: Forgot to show ya'll my B-day cake

Honestly not even sure it's humanly possible to figure out what number we're on here. Think it's somewhere around 982, plus or minus a few. I've been on my regular hiatus between posts but in the past few weeks there have been several things I've seen about LBJ that made me say "what an asshole, I have to blog about that." But then I didn't because like I said, I was on my break. And nobody puts baby in a corner when he's on his break.

Anyway, what a colossal dick. And I'm not talking about the cake, either, though it is rather large and phallic now that I mention it. Who gets this cake for themselves? Ugh bro ugh.

Three things are jumping to mind:

1. That cake is ugly as fuck. Under no circumstances would I ever want this in my presence, let alone on my birthday. Guys take note, my bday is coming up.

2. It doesn't even look like it would be tasty. Rule#1 about birthday cakes: get a Carvel ice cream cake. That does not look like a carvel ice cream cake.

3. How in god's (the real one, not Charlie Whitehurst) name do you eat this thing? It looks like something I made in arts and crafts in kindergarten.

Other than that though I guess it's just fine. Putting a crown on your ugly ass bday cake and then tweeting it from your KINGJAMES twitter account isn't obnoxious at all. Sweet life.

PS - one of the other things I was going to blog about was LeBron saying he wouldn't change anything that he did in 2010. Loved that. Wonder if that includes choking in the playoffs?

PPS - yes I got this from Twitter. Watch out world, I'm figuring that shit out a bit more every day. Pattyshack comin in HOT in 2011.