Danny Granger Thinks Europe Doesn't Just Stink at Basketball

Danny Granger has spent the past couple weeks over in Turkey playing for Team USA in the FIBA World Basketball Classic, where he has helped the Americans beat the likes of Spain, Greece, Slovakia and Brazil. Despite this, if his Twitter is any indication, Granger isn't having the greatest time on his summer vacation...

"smellin like dead donkeys… no joke" –Twitter via USA Today

"im dying over here…. how come nobody in europe wears deodorant? guess they didnt get the memo" –Twitter via USA Today

Okay, so you know how easy it is for me to make fun of Europeans for being smelly. So, I'll spare you the rhetorical America is better than everywhere else in the world rambling. I certainly WILL NOT tell you about how my face was smushed into an Eastern European's sweaty armpit on the 5 train on the way to Union Square today. Or how the musk will haunt my dreams for years to come.

No, instead I'll tell you exactly what is going on in Granger's scenario. One time, when we were playing pick-up ball at Dodge, we absolutely dismantled a team, especially due to stellar defense by our boy, renneBOOM, on this kid who wasn't wearing a shirt. When we ran it back the next two games, all of a sudden this shirtless kid caught fire, just hitting open jumper after open jumper.

When we asked him what happened, he stuck his hand up and told us to smell it. The kid's B.O. had attached itself to renneBOOM's hand like the Valet's B.O that took over Jerry's car in Seinfeld. Poor renneBOOM couldn't bare to be within a couple feet of the kid, so the B.O. kid just pulled up and drained shots and ran us off the court.

So if you follow my logic here, the Europeans are purposely not wearing deordorant so that it will make the U.S. players not gaurd them as tight. Freakin' Euros can't outplay us, so they are taking to biological warfare and using the ol' smellyguy offense. Too bad, they still can't beat us. And we're playing our JayVee team. Sooooooo... I guess you just got the long version of how the USA is better than the rest of the world at everything.

PS- It took renneBOOM multiple days of washing and scrubbing in order to shake the odor.

This Elephant Drinks His Coffee From a Wawa Cup

And for those of you that do not remember, drinking coffee from a wawa cup is the same as tossing a salad or giving a rim job. Actually thinking about it more, I guess it's actually more like the 2 girls 1 cup video, which somehow Patty Shack STILL has not seen somehow... and the kid wants to be a professional blogger (shakes head). He'll learn one of these days.

What in the World Does Ndamukong Suh Have Against Jake Delhomme?

Just King Kong Suh, being King Kong Suh. Love the effort, but might consider not breaking Jake Delhomme's neck next time. Just a suggestion though.

Minor League Baseball >>> Major League Soccer

KCWizards.com- The KC Wizards are forced to reschedule a game because the semi-pro Kansas City T-Bones need the stadium for a Northern League playoff game that night.

Bwahahahahaha. Fucking Soccer. And after reading it again, it isn't even Minor League, it's freakin' Semi-Pro! We're talking Jackie Moon and the Tropics type team here. And in Kansas City! They couldn't sell out a Royals game if they offered oral sex with every sold ticket. So there must be an OVERWHELMING demand for a Semi-Pro Baseball team. Don't worry you Soccer Hooligans out there, looks like The Beautiful Game is really catching on in America since the World Cup!!!



On the bright side though, those Icelandic chaps are up to their old tricks. This is exactly what JSmiles would do if he ever scored a goal, instead of just kicking players on the other team.

This is what you get to look at in prison?

Sooooo where do I sign? How is this punishment? You cannot tell me that the men and the scissorers that are at Paris Hilton's prison are being punished right now. If anything they are being treated to a beautiful dime piece in her prime and WE are the ones that are being punished.

Hey guys remember all those times you said I was gonna end up in jail one morning after Hurricane Pat turned NYC into his own personal playground/wasteland? Ha well who's laughing now suckers?

PS - if Paris Hilton ran a brothel just for me aka was my girlfriend in prison I would still most certainly not want to go. I would not last a second in jail.

PPS - Umm someone might want to start keeping an eye on Paris. First alcohol, then weed, now coke....I guess hide the needles and crack pipes? Oh and I'll volunteer to be that person.

You're Doing it Wrong

I was a fat kid for most of my life, so I only got to play running back for the Scout Team during practice or if it was a blowout and they put us in as the "Heavy-set Backfield," but I'm pretty sure the idea isn't to run as far as you can backwards. And why in the world does he throw the ball up at the end? I thought maybe it was the last play of the game and he was trying to lateral the ball, but you don't run an option play for the last play of the game AND there was nobody there to lateral it to. The only possible explanation is that he was throwing the game. And oh yeah, I'm bullshit mad over here because, by my count, this guy lost 6 points for my high school fantasy football team.

Ss is for estupido

Whatever kids read this book are going to grow up to be as good at spelling as Special Ed.

If you didn't get it that means they're not going to be good at spelling.

I could care less if these authors became my new best friends

Time - "There are Words You are Using Incorrectly and You Really Should Stop That." Want to know other ways you're accidentally revealing your ignorance? Read the rest of errors over at Readers Digest.

You never mean: Could care less
You always mean: Couldn't care less
Why: You want to say you care so little already that you couldn't possibly care any less. When the Boston Celtics' Ray Allen said, "God could care less whether I can shoot a jump shot," we know he meant exactly the opposite because 1) God has other things on his mind, and 2) God is a Knicks fan.

Amen brothers and sisters!!! Preach that shit like Saint Sam! Ummm someone get me these writers on the batphone asap. Hi my name is Pattyshack and I'd like to apply to be your new best friend. I promise I like grammar and making fun of people that use it incorrectly as much as you do.

Ignorance is right. Special Ed will be the first to tell you that my blood pressure rises a good 400% when I hear someone say they could care less (side note: he also has arguably the worst grammar of any native english speaker I have ever met. Needless to say we've had a few choice words). Really bro? Could you care less? Good. I'm glad you told me that. I'm glad you told me that you could care less and that this is not the singular thing in the world that you care the most about when you were trying to tell me the exact opposite.

The other 23 things on the list are all fine and dandy, but I clearly don't have the same passion as I do about numero uno (that's spanish for "number one" - yes I'm bilingual, too). So please check them out and let's have a conversation like educated adults next time we talk, okay?

In the meantime, I'll be waiting to meet my new friends. Hey guys just follow the blog, I promise my grammar is already on point and I edit Special Ed's when I can!!!

PS - God is most certainly not a Knicks fan. No one is a Knicks fan, especially not God. Spike Lee does not count as a person.

PPS - Not to nitpick, guys, but pretty sure God had nothing else on his mind in Game 2 this year when Ray Ray was hotter than the fucking sun from behind the arc.

I need to become one of the professional dance partners on Dancing with the "Stars" STAT

E! News: As for the reports that David Hasselhoff, Audrina Patridge, The Situation and Brandy will also be part of the cast, here's the deal: All true, according to sources.

Dlisted: It's been reported that The Situation, Brandy, The Hoff, Florence Henderson, Troy Aikman Jennifer Grey, Ceiling Eyes and Michael Bolton are all in talks. ABC will announce the full cast on August 30th. This mess of all messes premieres on September 20th, so mark that day on your calendar as the world comes to a crashing end. Yes, it ends on a dancefloor and under a disco ball.

Ummmm where do I even begin? So many thoughts running through my head. So much room for activities!

First. This fucking cast is outstanding. Troy Aikman, the Hoff, the Situation, Brandy, BRISTOL PALIN...the list goes on. I mean I've never watched this shit but count me in for the new season if this leak turns out to be true. This just seems too good to pass up. But I think ABC can cut the shit with the title here. Look I'm a branding professional. I know a thing or two about naming. Rule #0 is that your name better convey what your fucking product brings to the table. And let me be clear here - this show is NOT Dancing with the Stars. I have a few friends that might be able to come up with something a little more catchy, but off the top of my head I think something along the lines of "Dancing with some people that are grasping on to any hopes of continued fame" might fit a little better at this point.

Which brings me to my second, and much more important, point. There is one name that does not fit with the rest. One of the leaked names is a certified STAR. She is MY certified STAR. Yes I'm talking about my future wife Audrina. I already knew I loved her personality but I assume that once I see her really break it down on the dance floor, the bond will be 100% obvious. Even to my dickhead friends that don't seem to like her. Sooooooooooooo yeah, I'm excited.

Which brings me to my third, and most important, point. SOMEONE GET ME ON THIS FUCKING SHOW TO BE AUDRINA'S DANCE PARTNER. This is my calling. All the stars are aligning, right before our very eyes. As long as this season has some sort of segment that includes a dark dance floor that I can creepily sneak up behind her and start thrusting my pelvis to the beat on, I'm prettyyyyyyy sure that we'll have this thing locked up. Pretty much turn into Erin Andrews and that other dick on this past season. Clearly banging. We'll be all the rage. National blogs such as this one won't be able to stop talking about Audrina and the smooth, stylish, svelte blond beaut with whom she shares an undeniable chemistry that she rocks back and forth, up and down so smoothly with. I pretty much think there is at LEAST a 91% chance of this happening.

PS - Hey dlisted, if my world ended on a dance floor under a disco ball I'd pretty much say ummm yep this is exactly how I expected to go. So stop with all the dramatics will ya? Pretty sure Audrina and I will be well on our way to saving the world by September 20th.

Summer is not even close to over

Today was one of the most beautiful days of the year. Labor Day doesn't mean shit. Everyone just relax.

Georgie is That You???

Cuttin' up the carpet. Killin' it on the dancefloor. Just Destroyin' it as per usual. And you are OUTSIDE of your mind if you think I'm not pregaming to Ian Van Dahl tonight.

Too Good Not to Post

This is exactly what my Funemployment has looked like. Pretty sure the couch has grafted itself to my ass skin.

Pete Carroll is Making Things Difficult/Hilarious

This is the offseason of me loving every NFL Coach not named Chan Gailey (Or Bill Belichick, but that goes without saying). I love Love LOVE Rex Ryan and am eating up every minute of Hard Knocks. And this video of Pete Carroll pranking everybody on his team with the ol' snake in the cooler trick is awesome too. What do I get as a Bills fan?

PITTSFORD, N.Y. -- Buffalo Bills coach Chan Gailey talked to his team at the end of practice Tuesday, then wanted to address one more issue before leaving the field.

So he marched over to a group of teenagers in the stands and told them what he thought about their heckling.

"If you dog one of us, you dog all of us," Gailey said in a stern voice, loud enough to be heard 20 yards away.

Gailey had another message for them, too: He said he'd instructed his players to skip that section of the stands for signing autographs on what was the final day of training camp in suburban Rochester.

Yup, Chan is pushing the fans away at the very time all the other coaches are pulling them in. The Bills are lucky I bleed red, white and blue and would NEVER think of cheating on them, not even if there was a fire, because they can really test my patience at times.

Again another head nod and "That's what's up!" to RenneBOOM

THe Jets Cut Billy Bob on Hard Knocks

So we're watching Hard Knocks and not to spoil anything but they cut "Youtube sensation" Adam Tadisch at the end of the show. So I had never heard of Adam Tadisch and did you the favor of looking up why he is a Youtube Sensation. Well his video only has about 75,000 hits, hardly a sensation, but it should have about a million more. Tadisch is the real life version of Billy Bob catching the Hook-And-Ladder at the end of Varsity Blues. I mean he literally carries defensive players 20 yeards into the end zone. Adam, I know the Jets just cut you, but I'm trying to get an intramural football team together for this fall, and you sir, most certainly have a spot on my team.

Hot Ass Colts Fan Dancing to the Bills' Shout Song

EMBED-Hot Colts Fan Cheers For Wrong Team - Watch more free videos

Ummmm... I'll trade the Colts C.J. Spiller and next year's first round pick for this girl RIGHT NOW.

This Guy was the Shooting Guard

I wrote earlier that patty shack and I got our butts handed to us in intramural basketball a couple weeks ago. If the other guy who made the catch was their Power Forward, this guy played the 2. I'm positive.

The ONLY Time I Want to Watch Around the Horn it's Not On

Around the Horn is my least favorite shows of all-time. Just four "Know-it-all" Sports Writers from around the country arguing just to argue. They don't believe a word they are saying and pulling up stats and schedules to try and convince me to believe that I should really like Brett Favre or that the Houston Rockets are coming out of the West every year. Hate is not strong enough of a word to describe my feelings towards everone who appears on that show, with the exception of Michael Smith.

Well over the past weekend Jay Mariotti, aka the Devil Incarnate, was arrested on felony charges rumored to be related to a domestic dispute and was being held on $50,000 bail. And 50k bail is no joke. And on top of this, Tim Cowlishaw made the claim that Revis signed a contract over his Twitter account, only to have the entire sports world tell him he was wrong.

So for the first time EVER, I was counting down the minutes until 5:00pm to see what would happen when Tony Reali introduced four sports writers who were not in prison or being slammed by the rest of the media. But I turn on ESPN on only to find that the freaking Little League World Series is on instead. Puerto Rico! Mexico! 12 Year Old Elimination Game! WOOT! Danny Almonte isn't even pitching. THIS WEDDING IS HORSESHIT!!!

New and Much More Accurate Poll Question

Just stumbled on this pic on Barstool and I have no idea how I didn't put 2 and 2 together on this when I was writing the Brady-Yao Ming look a like post. Because HOLY TRINITY, Bieber must be exactly what Tom Brady looked like as a pre-pubescent teen. This completely explains why I've had an irrational hate for Usher's prodigy, all this time I was subliminally hating Tom Brady. That and I think it's BOOTY SON that every girl my age would get with Justin Bieber before she would get with me.

But to the point, like last time I'll leave it to you all to decide. Poll at the bottom of the page.

Also Brady is smart for not watching Hard Knocks. In fact I would suggest anyone who dislikes the Jets to not watch even one minute. Rex Ryan is awesome, I wish Mark Sanchez was my best friend, and the shake weights stuff was hilarious.

Hide the OxyContin!!!!!!!!!

ESPN - New England Patriots offensive lineman Nick Kaczur has undergone back surgery within the past seven to 10 days, the Boston Herald reported Saturday, citing sources close to the situation. On Aug. 6, ESPNBoston.com first reported that, according to an NFL source, Kaczur told teammates he has a significant back injury that could sideline him indefinitely and potentially threaten his 2010 season.

Ruh-roh. Pharmacies all across New England better lock their doors and change the terror alert to orange. Back surgery sounds a wee bit painful and this guy doesn't exactly have the best track record soooooooooo.....

(Yes, I'm blogging from the promised land. Tell all your friends.)

....Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm Back In

The Bills are now 2-0 against the Colts this decade. Yeah, one was preseason and the other was against their back-ups down the stretch last year, but still... I have been on record as saying that I am the least optimistic I have ever been heading into a Bills season. I was staring 2-14 right in the face. I was pissed the Bills didn't draft Jimmy Clausen and Colt McCoy. Pissed they drafted another running back in the first round. There wasn't a single positive I was hanging my hat on, except maybe the #1 overall draft pick next year.

Welp, deal me the fuck back in, because C.J. Biller is straight up sickdirtynasty. Sure, our other two touchdowns came on blown coverage and a tipped ball that should have been a completion, and our defense looks like it can't stop a nose bleed, but I'll take what I can get. And yes, this will inevitably end in heart break for me, but for once I'm getting back on board for on field performance rather than off the field hype. So now I'm back to being dead serious when I say the Bills are winning the Superbowl this year. Stop laughing.

I've Seen this Movie Before

So My Fantasy Sleeper this year, LaGarette Blount, is up to his old tricks. During Titans practice yesterday, after a vicious run, Blount punched Eric Bakhtiari in the facemask. What I never understood, having played football the bulk of my childhood, is why in the name of Mahatma Ghandi would you ever punch another man when he has a football helmet on. It makes no dollars or sense. My move was always to punch to the stomach followed by a knee to the balls. Hey don't look at me like that, they're supposed to be wearing cups!

For old times sake here is LaGarette last year after the Oregon-Boise State game...

Remember When Lance Bass Sat 2 Boxes Over From Us at the First Game Ever at the New Meadowlands?

So we hosted a bunch of clowns at the Gold Street Palace this weekend. We had Lil' Nicky, Krebo, Jsmiles and a couple lovely ladies all crashing here this weekend. It was a complete madhouse. More laughing, drinking and grinding in the past weekend then the rest of you will probably will have in your entire life. We brought down CitiField, witnessed the real life Knocked Up at Nolita, and took the free ferry out to Ikea in BK for some swedish meetballs where we found where Jerry Garcia has been chillin all these years.

But you clowns should have never left NYC, because the party never stops. Our boy Smokes calls us up at 5:30 on Monday night and says he has box seats to the first ever football game at the New Meadowlands. Uh, Jets-Giants? Monday Night Football? Box Seats? All you can eat and drink? YES PLEASE! GOTTA HAVE IT! I'M TWEAKIN'! I'M TWEAKIN'!

The game was awesome with all the Jets and Giants fans going at it, and yes, the Bills won the game. But waaaaaaaaaaaay more importantly, Lance Bass from 'Nsync was two boxes over from us. Even my panties were wet when he came out (pun intended) of his suite. I tried waiting after the game to get an Eiffle Tower picture with him me and pattyshack, but pattyshack got all green jell-o over the fact that I called mouth, so we left without the close up pic. I'll never forgive him.

Regardless, we'll give you the updated pics where you can actually see Lance and all his glory when pattyshack uploads his pics. But seeing as how he still hasn't uploaded his pics from our Senior year trip to Jamaica yet, I wouldn't be on pins and needles if I were you.

Fight Football Makes Me Feel Like Less of a Man

HOLY BATSHIT! I love everything about this sport right down to the Roman Numerals on the back of the cutoff jerseys. Just judging from the video it looks like Fight Football combines elements of Football, Soccer, Rugby, Basketball, MMA and Awesomeness. And the best part? If you beat the shit out of somebody and they can't play anymore, the other team doesn't get to replace a player. They play a man down for the rest of the game. So far, the game only exists in Italy, but I may make it my life mission to bring Fight Football to the States. Would I ever play? FUCK. NO. I'll blame my bum knee and lack of nut size. But watching other guys play looks fun as shit.

-Good looks to Jsmiles for the link

Yeah, But Can You Walk the Dog?

Yeah, give me my Yomega Brain from sixth grade and I could do all this shit with my eyes closed, no doubt. Could raise my Tamagotchi, teach my Furbie a few words, collect all the Beanie-Babies, play with my Polly-Pocket, and set the all-time record on a Skip-It while I was at it. That's why all the girls loved me back then. Ah, to be 11 again...

Miles Plumless, You are Making Things Difficult

Since the day my mother did me the favor of birthing me, I'm not sure that I have liked a single Duke player. J.J. Reddick, Greg Paulus, Sheldon Williams, Grant Hill, Jon Scheyer, Christian Laettner (Who is even from Buffalo), Shane Battier, Jay Bilas, Bobby Hurley... I didn't even like Carlos Boozer and you all know my affinity with alcohol. But how in the world am I not supposed to not like a white dude who can Vince Carter over his 6'10" brother? It's like finding a diamond in the rough or a straight girl who is funny.

Carrie Underwood is My #1

It's not even a little bit funny how much I am in love with Carrie Underwood. I would ABSOLUTELY drink coffee from her Wawa cup (Our new euphemism for giving a rim job) if she wanted me to. Why am I bringing this up? Well I've been listening to Country all day long and I just came back across this video and made a mess in my pants.

Now ladies, if you're halfway decent looking, there is a pretty solid chance that I will tell you that I love you at some point. But most likely it's because I'm desperate and trying to get with you. The old throw shit at the wall and hope something sticks tactic. But, I will be completely honest with you right now, and tell you that I will never love you as much as I love Carrie Underwood. Sorry, all you future Mrs. Eds out there, but it's true. And Bob's my Uncle.

I Need an Icelandic Best Friend STAT

So this video is old, and I thought about posting it a while back because the celebration is awesome, but the World Cup is over and I went back to pretending that soccer doesn't exist. But these guys keep doing more and more celebrations that put Chad Ochocinco, T.O. and all the other prima dona wide receivers in the Real Football to shame, so I kinda got put in an awkward spot here. But I'm choosing to ignore the fact that these dudes play a pansy sport and instead decided that I need one of these Icelandic dudes chilling with me in my Office of Funemployment at all times. And I'm not upset that you meatheads haven't gotten me one already. I'm more disappointed in you.

HOLY SHIT, I MISSED THE PREMIER OF HARD KNOCKS

Gotta admit, I dropped the ball on this one. I had been on pins and needles waiting for the first episode of Hard Knocks with the Jets. But I was busy last night winning a free Sam Adams hat at Trivia Night at Dempsey's (We won because I was rockin' my Stars and Stripes Hat, we sucked at the trivia part). And I'm most pissed because I wanted to write that I had a Damien Woody looking forward to the show. And I had jokes all written about LDT, Antonio Cromartie and Santonio Holmes too. Oh well, a day late a Shonn Green-back short. Point is watch the show, it's gonna be tremendous.

Oh, Okay Audrina!

Hey Pattyshack, your erection is showing. And what in the world is going on with her boobs, or rather between her boobs in the third pic on the bottom? It's like when they gave her fake tits, they also made a groove for giving her a Cincinnati Bowtie. Not really sure how I feel about it.

Caption Contest

Only in North Carolina...

Michael Buble is Mangaged

Stop the Presses- Michael Bublé is sporting some unexpected jewelry: an engagement ring. The 34-year-old crooner showed off his "man-gagement ring" at a concert last night, explaining that pre-wedding man-bands are traditional in Argentina, his fiancée's home country.

Well if this isn't the bullshit of all bullshit, I don't know what is. It's just straight Poppycock. Is my future son going to have to douche himself for good health too? Will he be able to birth children and have monthly cycles and PMS? I mean what the hell is going on in this world? Mrs. Buble better be a 34 out of 10 bare minimum. Oh wait, this is her? Nevermind then, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Straight jokes on this one, I swear. I've always said that I'm not cultured, I'm Pop-Cultured, so I don't really get the whole Argentinian tradition thing here... But I'm also reasonable to a point. If you ladies want to propose to a funemployed degenerate like myself, by all means fire away. I'll gladly be Mr. Special Ed-Fox, Ed-Alba or Ed-Johansson. Beggers can't be choosers these days.

In Case You Needed Another Reason to Hate Lebron Part II

If I were one of the little kids on the yellow pinny team, there is no doubt that I'd elbow LeDickhead in the nuts as he tries to dunk on me. That's the way my Pops taught me how to play basketball. A guy tries to pull some fancy shit like that, you cheap shot the shit out of him and dare him to try it again. You get 5 fouls or 2 techs for a reason. Use them.

Dude in NYC Summer League Game Drops 105 Points in a Game

Yahoo- Word that the Villanova guard scored 105 points in a game at the Watson Basketball Classic first circulated via Twitter over the weekend. As the days passed without video evidence, confirmation from Fisher or even a reliable box score, the story has taken on an urban legend-like quality.

Fisher did indeed score 105 points in his team's 138-130 victory at Watson Gleason Playground, a performance prompted by a fan who asked him to go after the league record of 63 points held by former Cincinnati star Kenny Satterfield.

"He was determined to reach 100, but his arms from shooting threes were tired so he started going to the basket, weaving through defenders and creating 'one-and-one' situations," Stevens said. "It wasn't until the final few seconds of the game that he scored 100 points on a free throw. Then he had a steal, got fouled and hit a 3-pointer to end the game with no time on the clock."

So I'm supposed to sit here and believe that this guy had 105 points in a Summer League game? Corey Fisher supposedly hit 23 of 28 threes in a single game? This has to be a Fugazi. No doubt in my mind. Fisher, who was a McDonald's All-American in high school, once dropped 37 points on O.J. Mayo and 35 on Brandon Jennings while at Saint Patricks in New Jersey, which is all well and fine. But 105? Child please.

Patty and I were playing some pick up at BMCC on Saturday, and Patty hit like 8 of his first 9 shots including some that were absolutely absurd. The Puerto Rican guys from Queens we were playing with, one of which is trying to play ball in Europe, started calling him Steve Kerr and were absolutely SHOCKED that he didn't play college ball. Gave us street cred for days. But guess what happened after they thought Patty was good? They started double and triple teaming him everytime down the court. Kid was suffocated like a girl in one of those bondage videos.

Point I'm getting at is that Wilt scored 100 points in a NBA game because he was MUCH taller than everbody else on the court. There wasn't even a 3 point line when he hit triple digits back in the day, he just got mad boards and put backs. Fisher is 6'1", 200lbs, or more or less my size, and was a BACKUP to Scottie Reynolds at Villanova. After he hit 6 or 7 threes, any team that was inside of their mind would have two or three guys gaurding him everytime down the court. NO ONE would ever let a 6'1" guy score 105 points in a game. Not ever. It's impossible. So let's move on.

It's Called Football for a Reason

So there, I don't want to hear another word from you soccer people about how soccer should be called football.

Kanye Chooses to Follow Kid on Twitter; Like All British Dudes, He Sucks at Life

Yahoo- British teen Steven Holmes was initially thrilled when Kanye West chose him to be the first (and so far only) person Kanye would "follow" on Twitter. The student from Coventry, England -- who goes by the Twitter handle "ste_101" -- responded to Kanye's unexpected "follow" by excitedly Tweeting: "Holy *&$% bro thx for following!". Kanye replied: "You are the chosen one dun dun dun dun." But then the phone calls started.

Since Saturday night, when the rap star chose to follow him on Twitter, Holmes began receiving messages from people desperate to get West's attention. People tried to send him film trailers and music demos, hoping to reach 33-year-old Kanye and his 400,000-plus followers. "I didn't want to talk to any of them," Holmes told the Telegraph. "Fame has never appealed to me. It's vacuous."

I don't know who the bigger dickhead in this story is. Kanye only follows one dude on twitter? And it's some nobody in England? And he called him 'The Choosen One'? He didn't even follow that dutch porn star when she said she was going to give out blowies if The Netherlands won the World Cup? How is this real life?

And as for this Steven Holmes character that Kanye picked, I don't want to hear you whining about how you didn't want to talk to any of these cats and that you can't deal with the fame of being the only person Kanye follows on Twitter. There is a very simple way to handle everyone trying to get Kanye's attention through you...

1. Say that no dude or ugly/fat/old woman will get any attention from Kanye. Discrimination is key to this plan.
2. Tell the sexy women who are left that, if they want to get Kanye's attention, sending naked pictures of themselves would go a long way. And if the pictures are good enough, tell them they need a face to face meeting with you too.
3. Also encourage bribes.

Easy as pie. But the moral of the story here is that both Kanye and this clown are both the biggest dickheads for having Twitter accounts. Twitter's for the birds (Get it?).

Wait, There are Sand Castle Contests?

If they had let me know about these sand scalpting contests I would dominate the shit out of them. Because if there's one thing in this world that I'm good at it's drinking copious amounts of alcohol. But if there were two things in this world that I'm good at they would be drinking a lot and making things out of sand. I mean check out this sculpture I made in Jamaica of The Great White Whale



Yeah some asshole walked across it before we could properly document how awesome it was, but I swear it's an exact to scale replica of one of our good friends mooning us while swimming in the ocean down there.

I NEED to find out where and when these sand castle contests are, so that I can get discovered, become world famous and have a never ending supply of women and money. I mean checkout the rest of these sand castles and try to tell me there's a way I don't win a contest against these chumps. Might as well try to tell me Brett Favre is unretiring again.

Yeah, I Guess This is an Alright Catch

EMBED-Spiderman Style Baseball Catch - Watch more free videos

I've always said (in the most positive, complementary, non-racist way possible) that Asains are the shiftiest, craftiest, clever motherfuckers on this planet. I mean checkout this bus that drives over traffic. Regardless, Pattyshack and I lost a basketball game to a team of full-grown Asains about 2 weeks ago, and there wasn't a kid on the team taller than 5'6". But what they lacked in stature, they made up for by being more wiry, fiesty and calculative than we were. We'd start bringing the ball up court and before you knew it they were pulling some Dragon Ball Z shit, stealing the ball and dunking on us. We didn't stand a chance. I'm pretty sure this guy was their power forward.

2010-11 Celts vs Dream Team...who ya got? Oh PS it's 1999.

Kazaam is right bitches! Is this team serious right now? Flashback a decade or so and this is legit the greatest team ever assembled. The fact that it is not a "decade or so" ago is neither here nor there. Color me excited from head to toe. Here's what we're rolling out:

PG: Rondo

SG: Ray Ray

SF: Pauly P

PF: The Big Ticket

C: The O'Neal 2-headed monster (don't forget about Jermaine sucka)

Pretty sure as long as we sign Tim and/or Penny Hardaway as backup we'll be all set. Is it too late to get Shawn Kemp out of retirement and back in shape? Ohhhh...maybe (thanks Barstool).

LeBum and his buddies down in Miami aren't gonna know what hit them come October 26. Dwight can't play against Shaq or Perk, Timmy D would fit in better on this old-timers team than the Spurs at this point (don't worry I don't think the Spurs are actually contenders, that's just for johnny boy), and we finally have some bodies to grab a motherfucking defensive rebound against the Lakers. Ummmm title? Yes please.

PS - Shaq's nickname is officially the Big Dig. Yeah I stole it from a friend of a chick at work but that really doesn't matter. That shit is awesome.

A fantasy life and real life NIGHTMARE

Don't worry fuckers, I'm back. Been so GD busy rethinking possible I've barely had time to eat. (Probably why I'm now sleeker and svelter than ever)

Unfortunately I am NOT better than ever. Another day another fucking injury are you guys messing with me? Is it the architect? First Ellsbury gets demolished by Adrian Beltre's best Lawrence Taylor impression and bruises a rib (somehow he missed like a full pregnancy's worth of time from this?), then Dusty fouls a laser show off his foot and breaks it, Beckett hurts himself as per usual, VMart breaks his thumb and now Youk tears a muscle in his thumb? Ummm. There are tearable muscles in thumbs? There are muscles in thumbs?

On top of all this, I might as well be pitching out of the bullpen at this point our relievers are so bad. But HEY we got Jarrod Salt of the Earth Saltalamacchia at the trade deadline. WOOO!! Watch out!

On top of all THIS, Mr Youkilis has been one of the absolute rocks on my fantasy team all year. If you know me at all, which I'm pretty sure if you're one of our 2-3 readers you do, you know that fantasy basically=real for me. I don't take this shit lightly. I believe Special Ed has told you a bit about my management style (quick sidenote all the bitching he's done makes no sense considering the player I traded him has performed significantly better that the player he traded me. But I digress). I run shit, and that's about it. I think I'm what is generally referred to as a "savant" when it comes to fantasy.

Well this year, I've taken on a whole new challenge in the form of a roto league and I have assembled arguably the most well rounded fantasy team ever known to man. It is a thing of beauty. A work of modern art if modern art didn't suck as much as it does. The most dominant pitching these eyes have ever seen and an offense that's beginning to peak at exactly the right time. Somehow I'm still a close 2nd instead of running shit in 1st, but I'm pretty sure that'll change when all is said and done.

And now Youk's thumb muscle is torn. His fucking thumb muscle. Like I said, the guy's no slouch. He's been essentially single-handedly carrying the Sox all year and one of a few guys carrying my fantasy offense. Sooooo yeah, it's big. Couple all this shit with the end of the Hills and you can probably understand why I'm living my life on a ledge these days.

Please dear Kevin don't get surgery. A DL stint is fine. Take a little rest and go get a nice Thai rubdown on that bad boy for the next 15 days. Just come back with a fire under your ass and propel my two favorite teams to the promised land, will ya?

Favre Set to Retire Again... Leaves as All-time Leader in Fucking Over Franchises

I guess he was just waiting for the year that everyone assumed that he was coming back just to say "Gotcha again Bitches!" Certainly have to revise my pick of the Vikings going to the Superbowl now. What a dick. Although would I be shocked if during the Vikings' bye week he comes back out of retirement? Not in the least. Til then have fun at home with the grandkid, idiot.

In Case You Needed Another Reason to Hate LeBron James

One day after Big Z took out a full page ad in the Cleveland Plain Dealer, thanking Cleveland fans for their years of loyalty, Team LeBron decided that it would be not at all transparent to take a full ad in the Akron Beacon...

USA Today- “For all my life, I have lived in Akron, and for that, I am truly a lucky man,” the letter read. “It was here where I first learned how to play basketball, and where I met the people who would become my lifelong friends and mentors. Their guidance, encouragement, and support will always be with me.”

“Akron is my home, and the central focus of my life. It’s where I started, and it’s where I will always come back to. You can be sure that I will continue to do everything I can for this city, which is so important to my family and me. Thank you for your support…you mean everything to me.”

The ad shows Bron-Bron helping in the Akron community, but does not mention anywhere the city where he actually played basketball for the past seven years. He must be the most ill-advised athlete in the history of athletes or advice. Seriously LeBron, give me a call, there is no way I could mismanage your career worse than the clowns you are surrounding yourself with at this point. I'd even do it for four fifths commish, because you know what really gets my dick hard? Helping out very wealthy basketball players who have no idea how to handle their image.

Oh yeah, and my first piece of advice? Forget that whole "Akron is where I will always come back to" thing. Probably want to steer clear of Akron, or for that matter all of Ohio, for the next, say, 75 or so years.

Do People Really Think Tom Brady and Yao Ming Look Alike?

So I was at a party this weekend in the Upper West and a couple cats start talking about celebrity look a likes. There were the obvious Omar Epps/Mike Tomlin, Bradley Cooper/Matthew McConaughey, Mary Kate/Ashley Olsen, Pattyshack/Macaulay Culkin... then somebody dropped Tom Brady and Yao Ming. Everyone else kinda nodded along, but I was not just about to let that go by like it was no big deal.

Don't get me wrong, I HATE Tom Brady with the fire that burns in a thousand suns, but I'm not about to sit here and tell you that I think that he looks like Yao Ming. It's not even the height or race differences that gets me either, it's that comparing Yao to Brady is even more retarded than saying that JWoww and Emmanuella Chriqui look remotely similar. Brady and Chriqui are in a class of their own and to compare that tall Asain fuck and that Guidette with the horrendous boob job to them is an insult to the scale of goodlookingness that society has established through thousands of years of existance.

But I have been wrong about this type of thing before, so I'll leave it up to you Meat Heads to decide. Also, if I get more than 3 votes on this poll I'll be absolutely shocked.

** GRUNT ** I thought I had this poll thing figured out, but I guess you actually have to click on the post and the poll comes up at the bottom. Now I will super shocked if there is more than 1 vote.

Who are the Ad Wizards Who Came Up With This?

Pattyshack needs to Rethink Possible all over this Quizzno's commercial. People actually thought these annoying singing kittens would make me go get a sub? I'd rather pay the extra money to go get a Philly Cheesestake with banana peppers, onions and the chipotle sauce from my man June at Subway, if it means Quizzno's goes outta business faster and they take this damn ad down.

Caption Contest

Come here babe, lemme sweat on you.

Speidi Going Back to Being Spencer and Heidi

Yahoo- Heidi filed for legal separation from Spencer in early June. Now, having officially filed for divorce, Heidi's lawyer said the former sweethearts are ready to make their split a quick one.

Quick, bolt the windows and hide the cleaners from under the sink before Pattyshack realizes The Hills was fake life!