Iran Invents a Boat-Plane

Popsci- The Bavar 2 is an ocean-going craft meant to pack surveillance cameras, an automatic weapon, and perhaps even missiles. Though it’s unclear exactly what it’s supposed to defend against. And it’s also supposed to be “stealth,” presumably because if flies so low – just above the water, as far as we can tell – that it rolls under the radar.
It’s fast, however, and it could be employed in the Iranian Navy’s favorite game: harassing everyone else with a vessel afloat in the Persian Gulf. For that it might be ideal, darting quickly and menacingly around other larger naval vessels it has no intention of or capability for attacking.

Okay, let's look passed the fact that we are totally going to World War III soon and that Iran-North Korea-China probably are gonna whoop our ass. I NEED one of these boat-planes. Do you know how much fun it would be to fly below the radar around Manhattan, just doin' hood rat stuff with my friends? I would absolutely fuck with those Asains that are fishing at 4am on the docks over in the Seaport. They are pretty much begging for it. I mean what the fuck are you doing fishing out of the East River at 4am? Actually, I'm probably better off not knowing, because they are either serving that fish at Chinese restaurants, or its some kind of secret ninja society. Those are the only two possible explanations.

Also, having the automatic weapon would be pretty nice considering people are getting shot in their dome pieces in my building. Yeah happened last night and the killer is on the loose. We're getting the fuck out of the FiDi not a minute too soon. Upper East Side here we come.

Old Guy Gettin' After It at ASU Tailgait

I feel like I just looked 40 years into Patty Shack's future. Good to see he's still got the hurricane in him after his nuts are probably droopy enough to teabag a toilet.

You're Australia's Next Top Model! Or Wait... Just Kidding LOLZ!!!

I say honest mistake. Like one of those it's summer in Australia while it's winter in America or how the toilets flush in the opposite direction down under type things. Or maybe they had the wrong conversion chart out or something. I never was good with the whole quarts to liters problems, so who am I to sit here and tar and feather someone for bullocksing this up.

But much more importantly, Australian Top Model me one time! The host lady puts Tyra to shame (mostly because she looks like an actual human being) and I would actually get with the final two contestants before getting with a bear trap. Something I couldn't say about pretty much every one of America's models. That's not even a joke, I mean I wouldn't give it to this girl with Patty Shack's dick and she actually won!

Trojan Vibrators

I know what you're thinking, for a blog written by two dudes, there sure have been a lot of posts for vibrators lately... what the bejesus is that all about? Well, I'll tell you, you see the followers in the top corner? Yeah 5 of 7 of them are females and, for the most part, all I do is remind them that they can't drive, aren't good at sports and don't understand comedy. Well when I find out the Trojan is branching into helping the ladies plunge their happy holes on PRIMETIME TELEVISION, well I feel obliged to make it up to all the lady meatheads, and let them know how they can get their hands on one of these Vibrating Triphoria gizmos.

Btdubbs, after blogging about the Vinny shaped cock, princesSA directed me to a website for vibrators. Those shits make absolutely no GD sense. There's like a million different shapes and sizes and colors and shit, and I have no idea how girls would use most of them. Gotta say, my left hand works plenty well enough for me.

Gotta Get That Phone Lock My Man

prob NSFW with the volume, but also not nearly as funny

Guy Buttdials Pals While Getting Busy With Girl - Watch more Funny Videos

See, this is why I NEED a Yakbak. Don't think for a second that I am above recording JSmiles when I get this call from him -It would have to be from him, none of the rest of us get laid- and setting it as my ringtone for when he or his girl calls. I am a cheat, a liar, no woman's desire (It's a dropkick line, I'm not that clever)  so don't ever put something like this below me. But since I don't have a Yakbak, I guess I would have to settle for just working on perfectly mimiciking the moans and answer the phone with them when they called instead. It would take some time, but it would be entirely worth it.

Sidenote, if anyone knows where I can get my hands on some dunkaroo snacks, gimmie a shout. I know a girl who has a Yakbak but refuses to trade it to me for anything less.

Least Threatening Athlete of All-Time

If I were the cameraman there is absolutely no way that I am not flopping when Becks gets in my face. Just going straight to the ground, grabbing my knee, screaming in fake-pain and looking around for the ref to give him a red card. No way I'm getting in a fight with Mr. Posh Spice, I mean did you see him with his shirt off?!? Mommy, make the bad man stop!

Try and Tell Me This Guy is Competing in a Sport

Greatest Falafel Picker In The World - Watch more Funny Videos


I'll still take Haseem, my Chicken and Rice guy outside my building, everyday of the week and twice on Islamic Holidays. Dude knows my order without having to ask. He sees my American Flag hat and knows,  chicken and rice, no salad, a little of the white, a little of the green, and hook it up with the red. I don't need any fancy ball tossing to go with my street meat, but thanks.

That's besides the point though. I once had a good friend from college try and convince me that juggling is a sport. Yeah, I know, might as well try and convince me to like a French dude while you're at it. I mean to call juggling a sport is straight ludicrous. He kept telling me how physically exerting it is to throw balls and shit up in the air and catch them. Sure, I'll give you the hand-eye coordination thing, but I use hand-eye coordination trimming my short and curlies and I'm not gonna blow smoke up your ass and tell you it's a sport. If you believe juggling is a sport, next time you see a clown juggling, ask him who's winning.

Color me aroused!

Clenched buttocks?...check.

Racing pulse?...check

Moist brow?...check

Moist pants?...you bet your fucking bottom dollar.

Oh Audrrrrrrrrina my darling. Where do I begin. Well first of all fuck you dude dancing with her. Better keep a good 3 feet away from her if you don't want to meet me anytime soon. And fuck you first judge and Bruno. And Leeann or whatever her name is too for that matter. Why dont you act like ya been there before and keep the come-ons to a minimum from this point forward.

Anyway, not sure if the dancing or the commentary afterwards deserves more blogging here. Guess I'll start with the easy part. That dance was straight fire. Picked a perfect song (California Gurls - she's from the Hills...get it? It's because The Hills is filmed in Los Angeles. It's in California). She was entirely more free-flowing than I expected. Definitely on my level, which I have to admit I was not expecting. Still wouldn't stand a chance against me in a dark club, but I'm not entirely sure that's what the point of this show is. (Side note: not exactly sure what the point of this show is. Watched about a half hour of this shit waiting for Audrina to come on. She didn't. I will never get that 30 minutes of my life back. But I digress.)

As for the little discussion after the dance...I mean where do I begin? The clenched buttocks? The comment that she "certainly has the right body"? (Umm obviously?). No, I'll take "You're like a beautiful show pony that needs to be pushed to the limit and whipped into shape" for 800, Alex. Are you kidding me BR(un)O? Did you really say that? I literally could not think of anything better you could've said. Nothing. Unfortunately for you I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that heard what you said (because I watched the video 19 or so times) because everyone else was too busy talking about how annoying your fucking voice is.

PS I'm back bitchesssssss

PPS Bristol Palin is the worst dancer in the history of the world. Not even close to an argument. Congrats SA, you are now #2.

Little Girl Can't Make Her Bike Go Forward

Little Girl Can't Go Forward On Bike - Watch more Funny Videos



Gotta love the Dad's attitude here, You're really good at going backwards! But I really hope he knows not to let lil' Sally get her driver's license. I don't have to sit here and remind you that women are not known for their driving, but seriously if your daughter can't figure out how to make a GD bicycle go forwards, spare society the hassle of sitting behind her in trafiic while she tries to parallel park. Get her a bus pass.



PS- God just cursed me with another daughter for this blog. Think I'm up to 7 now or something.

Now You Can Try to Fit a Watermelon into Your Pinhole

E! News- Playgirl has apparently offered Vinny $30,000 to make a cast of his manhood so they can reproduce it as a sex toy.

Guess Snooki was on to something when she told us the other day that Vinny should “get a mold of his penis and sell it to everyone.” For those not in the Jersey Shore know, Snooki has made no secret about how well-endowed she thinks Vinny is after they hooked up during the making of season two.

Well, now I know what I'm getting my female roommate for Christmas. But I thought Playboy was supposed to be going broke (And for good reason, anyone who pays for porn these days has shit for brains)? First they offer $400,000 to JWoww to pose, and now 30 large for the shape of the non-character's cock? Gotta question the business plan here. I mean I don't know how much a chick would pay to have a lot of Vinny in her, but I wouldn't pay a dollar to see JWoww's milkmakers. The Statue of Liberty's tits bounce more.

Steven Seagal is a Reggae Artist?

Believe it or not, this isn't even the most surprising reggae artist I know. These are a few verses and the chorus to a reggae song Jsmiles and a certain, very holy, friend of ours wrote and sang on Spring Break in Jamaica our Senior year. It's called Yam Poom Poom (Pretty sure you can piece together what that means from the chorus)...

But now ur tired of doing all the work
So you whip out your dick and ask
Can I insert?
She nods her head and makes a moan
Slide it in slow and wait for the groan
In and out
Back and forth
Nows the time to show her what your worth

Some smell like soap,
some smell like fish,
Either way its my favorite dish

Yam poom poom,
Yam poom poom

Yam poom poom,
Yam poom poom

Been going for a while and you still can’t come
So you turn her around and fuck her in the bum
Spit on her back so she thinks you came
She turns around and yell “remember my name!”
As you splooge in her face and aim for the eye
Cuz a party aint a party till at least one girl cries

Yes, this actually happened. No jokes, its too good to bullshit about. Just shows what too much Red Stripe will do to you...

I've Got Brady's Side on This One

So this is now the third time I've posted about Tom Brady looking like somebody, but I swear, I do not have the Gay for him. I admire the hell out of him as a Quarterback and for landing Gisele and all, but if there were one person in the world I would burn at the stake, it would be Tom Brady. Dude has caused me more emotional damage than walking in on my aunt changing into her swimsuit. She's 350 pounds.

So the recent rumor has it that Tom Brady is growing his Justin Beiber hair out, because his Brazilian Super Model wife likes his hair better long. And he is taking a lot of shit for being pussy-whipped. Well I'm calling bullshit on this one. There is absolutely NO WAY that Brady isn't growing his hair out so that he can look like Pauly D when his hair isn't gelled up. The similarities are too glaring to be a coincidence. It's just Brady's way of representing a Grenade Free America.

Only kidding Tom! You look horrible with that hair! I hope Marcus Stroud tackles you by it this weekend!!!


Tip of the cap to Sunchick for pointing out that Brady's haircut only looks good on Justin Beiber or Pauly D with his hair down. And for following My Meat. Speaking of which, see that FOLLOW button in the top right corner? Yeah, it's not that difficult to push it. 7 followers is a great start, but Patty shack and I are gonna need more than that if were gonna get rich and famous for this.

Stands Collapse at Brazilian Car Race

Stands Collapse At Brazilian Car Race - Watch more Funny Videos

Okay, if any group of people ever deserved to have the grandstands collapse from under them, its these Brazilian jagaloons. Did you catch what they were watching? Yeah, station wagons racing... Growing up we had a 1986 Maroon Buick LeSabre Wagon with wood pannels that you could start with a screwdriver (yeah laugh it up, so did everyone else in middle school). You'd think that would be a problem, except no one inside of their mind would have stolen that piece of shit car. Thing never started on the first try and topped out at about 35 mph. So if you are actually sitting around watching these shaggin' wagons race, well then don't expect me to be sorry for you when you fall 2 stories and land with your neck in someone else's asshole.

It's Bills-Pats Week.

September 7th, 2003. Ah, I remeber it as if it were yesterday. Opening day, the Lawyer Milloy game. Drew Bledsoe and Eric Moulds lighting up the Patriots secondary, Travis Henry scoring twice, the D picking off Tom Brady 4 times, including 400 pound Sam Adams high stepping 37 yards for a touchdown. Click Here if you would like to relive my favorite Bills game of the past 10 years. I am probably half of those views.

Since that day when the Bills crushed the Patriots 31-0, I have lost most of my baby fat, got my driver's license, lost my virginity (believe it or not), drank my first beer and then thousands thereafter, graduated from high school, got my adult beer-related fat, had my driver's license revoked, developed facial hair, graduated from college, the Pats have won 2 Super Bowls, the Bills haven't sniffed the playoffs, a black man was elected president, 2572 days have passed and the Bills have gone 0-13 against the Patriots. Perfect.

To make matters worse, obviously Patty shack is a huge Patriots fan, and has been relentless in giving me shit for the Bills in the five or so years I've known the kid. I've had to sit through crushing losses (56-10 in 2007) and heartbreakers (The Bills blowing an 11 point lead with less than 2 minutes last year). The closest I've come to having a rock to throw at Patty's Ivory Tower is that New England lost to the Giants in the Superbowl. To which he always reminds the Bills lost 4 straight in the 90's. Suck a woman cock Patty shack, how bout that?

Now, Harvard grad Ryan Fitzpatrick is getting the nod to play in Foxboro on Sunday. And while I acknowledge that I have seen enough of Trent Edwards, who in 57 starts for the Bills has thrown for less than 200 yards 37 times, the move just makes me question the competency of the new managment in Buffalo. Everybody's grandmother knew the Bills needed a quarterback in the offseason. But Buddy Nix and Chan Gailey passed twice on Jimmy Clausen and thrice on Colt McCoy, and didn't draft a quarterback until the seventh round. That's when they picked Levi Brown, who couldn't even make the Bills practice squad. Great job guys. Oh yeah, and praise the Lord they didn't pull the trigger on the Michael Vick trade, not like he's been killing teams like they were dogs or anything.

Anyway, for all of you who don't care for me ranting about the Bills, here watch this.

Fat Chick Tries To Jump Through Ring - Watch more Funny Videos

You Are Going to See A LOT of This

Sunday afternoons are, by far, my favorite part of every week, win or (mostly) lose. Sunday evenings and Monday mornings are, by far, my least favorite. I know what I'm signing up for going in, but would it be too much to ask for a little feeling of victory to go with the alcohol withdrawls and horrible hangovers? Like 34-7? Really??? I am the most glass-half-full Bills fan you will ever meet, but even I am struggling to draw positives from that shellacking. It's been 2 weeks and I'm already in "I'm just really happy to be here eating wings and getting wasted with my friends" mode at McFadden's.

The End of an Era

ORCHARD PARK, N.Y. — No longer feeling welcome in the Buffalo Bills' main parking lot, a tailgating institution is on the move as the NFL draws a line between what's considered family friendly and R-rated entertainment.
After 21 years of tailgating in the same lot outside Ralph Wilson Stadium, Ken Johnson plans to take his party across the street starting with the next home game in two weeks.
And with him, Johnson's bringing along his wildly colorful and popular traditions: from the red 1980 Pinto on which he grills meat on the hood to the pizza oven made out of a filing cabinet to a chicken wing-cooking mailbox and, yes, even the long-established ceremony of drinking shots of Polish cherry liqueur out of the thumbhole of a bowling ball.
"It disappoints me that I have to move away from a lot where I've been for about 20 years, but I saw it coming a long time ago," said Johnson, who's tailgate has attracted international recognition as he's been featured in newspapers, on The Food Network and even profiled in a German magazine. "I have known for a long time that they want to sanitize Lot 1 and turn it into a family lot."
The reality of that shift became apparent Sunday when, Johnson said, a league official threatened to shut down his party before the Bills' season opener. Aside from his tailgate creating a potential crowd control issue, Johnson was informed by security that the league official frowned on the bowling ball shots he provides to passers-by who line up at his site.
Johnson complied by plugging the bowling ball and started informing his regulars he was moving.

I know that I always go on rants about injustices in the world, like that time that somebody thought it was a good idea to whore up Taylor Swift or when Patty shack trade raped me, but I literally started to tear up watching this video knowing that they were relocating Pinto Ron from his spot in Lot 1.

Pinto Ron was as much a part of my life growing up as any one of my uncles. My father and I had season tickets for the Bills dating back to 1992, and I can still remember the first time I walked by Pinto Ron's tailgate. I was at most 8 years old, and I was wearing my Bruce Smith jersey and painted my face so that I would get on the Jumbotron (no one told me it was an impossible task while we were sitting in the nose bleeds), and Pinto Ron called me over to take a shot of apple juice out of the bowling ball.

We stopped by Pinto Ron's tailgait every home game, grilled on the hood of his pinto, and there were always beers to spare for everyone of age. He is a major reason why Buffalo is rated the #1 tailgate in the country year after year. Moving Pinto Ron from Lot 1 is the equivalent of moving the Statue of Liberty to Canada. This is the injustice to end of all injustices.

BTW if you havent tailgated in Buffalo, you haven't tailgated. Period. I don't want to hear shit about SEC football games, Ohio State vs. Michigan or Lambeau. Watch and learn how its done.


I was there they actually whipped full cans of beer at the kid in the Cowboys Jersey.

Spray-on clothes? Ummm... Yes Please! Well, Maybe.

This science dork really knows how to sell his product! You want me to buy into spray on clothes? Spray it on some smokeshow and show how it fits skin tight. Boom, I'm in, get me 100.

Then I started thinking, wait, no one wants to see me in spray on clothes. Ew, gross. Then I realized that I wouldn't want to see 95% of the population in clothes that tight either. I can just imagine walking through the West Village and seeing dudes in pants so tight that I could see the veins in their cocks, or seeing some Rex Ryan type with a spray on clothes clinging to his man tits. Ummm... no thanks.

So here is my solution. There should be a screening process to selling this clothes-in-a-can idea. And I volunteer to be hired and paid to do this backbreaking work. No need to thank me, just holla at chaboy Special Ed if you think you are sexy enough to wear the spray on shirt.

Again, thanks goes out to JSmiles for the story. As for the rest of you, you need to step up your game, I can't be everywhere on the internet at once.

What Happened to the FCC

YOU SEE THAT LOGO IN THE BOTTOM RIGHT CORNER OF THE SCREEN?!? Yup, ABC FAMILY!!! Yeah, so what? I was watching The Notebook on ABC Family... I like a good cry from time to time, and there wasn't anything on before the Always Sunny premiere. Stop judging me!

Chick Vomits While Deadlifting 424 Pounds

Chick Vomits During 424-lb Deadlift - Watch more Funny Videos

What an effort, huh? I cannot imagine a more difficult task than to keep your balance lifting 424 lbs while vomitting. I certainly would have said it was impossible before seeing this video. I mean I've seen a man slip and fall in his own vomit while he was lifting no weight at all(sure, there was a little alcohol involved. But as far as I know, alcohol has no effect on your equalibrium), so I was just sort of waiting to see this woman(?) eat shit and have weight crush her to death. Gotta admit I'm both disappointed and impressed.

Good for you Bro

Five Year Old Gets Daggered - Watch more Funny Videos

Just when I thought the line could no longer be crossed on how poorly the youth of this country is being raised these days, I see this video... AND MY FAITH HAS BEEN COMPLETELY RESTORED! I mean THIS is how you rear a child!

Sometimes Stereotypes Exist for a Reason

MSNBC DUBLIN — Prime Minister Brian Cowen is resisting calls for an early election in Ireland amid fears about the nation's debt troubles — and his own ability to steer the country through the crisis.

Cowen was accused by politicians and commentators on Irish radio Tuesday of being drunk or hung over after he gave a croaky interview to RTE, the state broadcast network. He often offered vague, semi-coherent answers to questions on Ireland's battle to save its banks and reverse its deficit.

Asked by a reporter for TV3 about speculation he was struggling from the aftereffects of late-night drinking, Cowen replied curtly, "That's ridiculous." He also criticized the question as being "uncalled for."

Alright, cut the shit Mr. Prime Minister. I come from a long line of Irish Drinkers, there's no need to lie to me. My grandmother carries a hotel bottle of vodka in her purse "in case she needs a drink." I told her that vodka isn't Irish and she told me that "Vodka is made from potatoes!" So if my 79 year old grandmother is a boozehound, I fully exepect the leader of the Irish to be constantly 'drunk or hung over.' The fact that this is the first time Brian Cowen has been accused of being drunk might actually be the real crime here, was he not elected by the people?

Olivia Munn is Trying Too Hard

Olivia, thanks for the advice for dating you. I will try to have a big penis and be less douchy. But let me offer up some do's and don'ts of dating me. Do: Look exactly like you do, you are straight outta one of my wet dreams. Don't: Try to be funny.

If you watched this video without sound, congratulations, you enjoyed it to its fullest extent. It was excruciatingly painful to listen to a girl who thinks she is funny. Like OMG! She said she likes pussy and cigarettes! What a knee slapper! It must be that Olivia Munn is too mindblowingly hot that no one has ever told her that girls are not funny. I bet she thinks that she is really good at driving, shuffling cards, dealing cards, understanding sarcasm, playing sports, that she has street smarts, that she has book smarts, and that she can drink a lot too.

Just kidding ladies. I love you all and think that you are equal with guys in every single way! Good looks to JSmiles for the video.

It's Going to be a Long Year in Bills Country

At least I can still look forward to the McFadden's all you can drink and eat wings deals on Sundays, because the Bills looked atrocious. Atrocious might not even be a strong enough of a word. My buddy called me up today to tell me the Bills should just move up to Canada already and play in the CFL, but I'm not sure that the Bills could win in the CFL with how they played yesterday. Oh yeah, and it was super awesome that they gave up a safety at the end of the game so that they didn't cover the spread. Ugh, idiots.

Science Tries to Tell Me How to Dance Sexy

CNN London- London, England (CNN) -- Scientists have given new hope to men who feel their dancefloor moves are doing more to repel than to attract women.

Psychologists in England say they've identified specific dance moves that really matter. And the body parts they highlight aren't necessarily what women think they're looking for -- or at.

In fact, Northumbria University psychologists say, it's the left wrist and the right knee, as well as the head and the trunk that women consider.

First of all, yeah this was on Barstool this afternoon, but it'd be a cold day in Hell before I'd let some dork at Northumbria University (Special Ed Note: Sounds made up) tell me how to dance. You wanna see sexy dance moves? Well, I can't figure out how to embed Facebook videos here so click on this link , and ladies, you might want to throw on an extra pair of panties beforehand.

And if you aren't friends with me on Facebook... Well then you're an idiot and how the hell did you hear about this blog? No seriously, I wanna know who that dude was that commented on the Michael Buble post.

The Canadians are on the Cutting Edge of Traffic Safety

Discover- Today, West Vancouver officials will roll out a new way to keep drivers alert and slow them down: a little girl speed bump. A trompe-l’œil, the apparently 3D girl located near the École Pauline Johnson Elementary School is actually a 2D pavement painting, similar to the one shown here

In what sounds like a terrifying experience, the girl’s elongated form appears to rise from the ground as cars approach, reaching 3D realism at around 100 feet, and then returning to 2D distortion once cars pass that ideal viewing distance. Its designers created the image to give drivers who travel at the street’s recommended 18 miles per hour (30 km per hour) enough time to stop before hitting Pavement Patty–acknowledging the spectacle before they continue to safely roll over her.

One of my finest attributes, alongside being very fast at shuffling/dealing cards, is that I can recognize a brilliant idea when I see one. Take it from a guy who has taken multiple shots of something called Mexican Water (Malibu, Tequilla and Vodka all mixed together), recieved a blowie from a girl while she had red pepper flakes in her mouth, and roots for the Buffalo Bills... making speedbumps in the shape of children right outside of an elementary school is an awesome idea!

I'm certain that this won't cause anybody to swerve out of the way and hit a real child. Couldn't possibly happen. Just like the BCAA Traffic Safety Foundation says, “It’s a static image. If a driver can’t respond to this appropriately, that person shouldn’t be driving….” And I'm sure that the Providence of British Columbia has no history of people getting DUI's and doesn't issue drivers license to women, so everyone on the road will be qualified to be driving.

I Will Not Rest Until Somebody Gets Me Sam Farmer's Head

LA Times- Bills

THEY'RE IN! Have you seen C.J. Spiller? The rookie running back from Clemson has looked terrific, with three touchdowns in exhibition games and three runs of 20-plus yards. He's the type of back who can make even an average offensive line look great.

THEY'RE OUT! The Bills would kill for an average offensive line. They're decent in the interior, but their tackles stink. The two biggest hits quarterback Trent Edwards took this summer were when right tackle Cornell Green got beat, and left tackle Demetrius Bell was among the league's most penalized linemen last season — and he played in only eight games.

REAL DEAL: If any team has a chance to go 0-16 this season, it's the Bills.

Does all it take to be a professional sports writer these days is to look like Ray Ramano? Sure, he played a sports columnist on Everybody Loves Raymond, but I hope it takes a little more than that to have your own column in the LA Times (Special Ed Note- If that is the case, you should be damn certain I'm signing up for reconstructive plastic surgery tomorrow). But this Sam Farmer character must be dyslexic or something, right? The Bills? Going 0-16??? Yeah that's how I'm going to deal with this. He MUST have meant "Real Deal: If any team has a chance to go 16-0 this season, it's the Bills." Okay, maybe I can nap now or something.

Remember That Time I Waited in Line for Three and a Half Hours for Mr. Softee?

I wish that was a joke. In theory, going to Governor's Island to try all the famous food trucks is a good idea. Not so much in practice. For the first Sunday in forever, we decided to be active participants in the real world instead of being hungover on the couch all day, and ventured off to Food Truck Fest 2010. Only problem was, so did the rest of New York City.

The line for the ferry to GET to Governor's Island was an hour and a half long. And the lines for the 15 or so food trucks that were there? Forgetaboutit. The lines on a football field move faster. After a solid hour and a half in line, and having moved approximately 30 feet, the trucks start running out of food and we're still 100+ deep in line. We decide to cut our losses and head back to get in line for the boat back to Manhattan.

JSmiles and I then see that the Mr. Softee line is only about 20 people long. Thinking that it can't possibly take that long to scoop up ice cream for that many people we wait in line, again. We think that Patty Shack is gonna save us a spot in line for the ferry back, only to get a call while we're 3rd in line, with that fucker telling us he's on the boat back. No Respect, Patty Shack.

All in all, I waited over three hours for a vanilla milkshake from Mr. Softee. Over four if you count door to door. A milkshake that I drank too fast and got a tummy ache from.

And oh yeah, we passed 2 more Mr. Softees on the walk from the ferry back to the apartment. No lines. Perfect.

Well This Was Awesome

Was that a clothes line? I think Gaby Sanchez knocked Nyjer Morgan on his gluteus maximus with a clothes line! Completely did not see that coming! Ruthless! The Hulkster would be proud of that close line! And the Marlins seriously have a problem with Nyjer Morgan huh? Make no mistake about it, the whole team beat the shit out of him at the bottom of the pile.

Turns out Morgan ran over the Marlins catcher at the plate the previous game and seperated his shoulder. Earlier in this game Morgan got plunked in retaliation. But first pitch after he got hit be the pitch, Morgan stole first base. Second pitch after? Yup, Morgan stole third base. Next pitch was a sac fly that scored Morgan. Morgan's next time up, well watch the video, you get the story.

UPDATE: Tony Dovolani better watch his back

AudrinaPatridge.com - Earlier today on "Good Morning America", they revealed our partners!!

Michael Bolton and Chelsie Hightower
Brandy and Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Margaret Cho and Louis Van Amstel
Rick Fox and Cheryl Burke
Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough
David Hasselhoff and Kym Johnson
Florence Henderson and Corky Ballas
Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas
Kurt Warner and Anna Trebunskaya
Kyle Massey and Lacey Schwimmer
........ Me and Tony Dovolani!!!

Ryan Seacrest's strategy worked and he predicted right! I am dancing with Tony Dovolani! The pic above is a sneak peak to our promo photo shoot - thanks Kelsey for the pic!

Hey Tony. How are ya? My name is Pat. Yes, the same as the first three letters of Audrina's last name. Not sure if you're a quick one or not so let me connect the dots for you. That is what I and most normal people like to call destiny. And you, my friend, stole my fucking job. And I'd like to have a word with you. In private please.

YOU KEEP YOUR LIVER SPOTTED HANDS OFF MY BEAUTIFUL FUTURE GIRLFRIEND. SHE'S A SAINT! AND THEN YOU WRITE PATTYSHACK AND SPECIAL ED A CHECK FOR $10,000!!!

Sooooo I hope I made myself clear. Or I hope you like dudes? That would work too. I am passionate about few things in life. Fantasy sports, ketchup, and cuddling are probably the first three things that come to mind. EXCEPT for the ladies of The Hills. They take the cake. And Audrina is my longstanding fave. So I'm sure you can understand why I am a bit upset right now.

But don't get me wrong...I mean look I'm not really worried that you'll be a better dancer than I am because I think you and I both know there is NO way in hell that's the case. Just ask any assortment of nice American young ladies that were roaming the dark clubs of Prague when I was. They will certainly tell you. I'm just a little concerned that the general US population that watch DWTS is going to the get the wrong idea? Because I'm pretty sure this will be happening before I make my trip out to LA to see my boy from home/steal the girl of my dreams. So I just want to make sure we're clear. You better make an early exit, or I might be reaching out to chat again.

Hope you have a great night, Tony. Talk soon!!!!!!!!!!!

PS - my money is on Rick Fox. Dude had some smooth moves back in the day. Also, Chmerkovskiy must be ripshit. Erin Andrews last season, now Brandy? I mean she's certainly an attractive girl and I'm sure she has a great personality but ummmmm....

Matt Leinart Can Stay the F Away From Buffalo

ESPN- The Buffalo Bills, Oakland Raiders and New York Giants have had discussions about trading for Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart, league sources tell ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter.

Matt Leinart would fit in in Buffalo like I would fit in in Tokyo. That's not very well. Have you ever seen Lost in Translation? It's the scariest concept for a movie ever. Just Bill Murray wandering around in a city full of millions of people and not being able to talk to anyone. That exactly describes my worst nightmare.

But if you were to decribe Matt Leinart's worst nightmare, it would be Buffalo, New York. Leinart was a fat kid growing up who became popular by being good at football. He stayed an extra year at USC, and cost himself millions of dollars in the NFL draft, because USC is the capital of the world for beautiful weather and smoking hot babes. Being the Quarterback there is the equivalent of being a movie star, and Leinart wanted another year of unlimited hot college girls who wanted to fuck his brains out. Imagine USC's campus, and then imagine the complete opposite and you have Buffalo. We're a town for hardworking, blue-collar guys, not people who want to be celebrities.

Besides that, LEINART SUCKS! This is from Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback article this week

I think the best note from a practice session I've seen this summer came from Kent Somers of the Arizona Republic (don't mean to put him in every MMQB, but the guy's good), monitoring the combined Cards-Titans practice on Wednesday in Nashville. Before a snap when the Cards' offense stepped to the line of scrimmage, Somers heard a Titans defender say to a teammate: "I got a buffalo nickel that says he checks down.'' In footballese, that translates to: Matt Leinart will always take the easy way out instead of trying to make a play.

Uh, you just described Trent Edwards exactly (The Bills starting QB for the 99% of you out there that think Trent Edwards is a politician or something). Buffalo fans call Edwards 'Captain Checkdown' because all he does is throw the ball short and never goes for the big play. And if I have to choose between Edwards, who realizes he's not a star in the NFL, or Leinart who thinks he's The Shit, sorry Matthew, I gotta take my man Trent 8 days a week, especially on Sundays.

How Long Before Usain Bolt is Playing MLS?

So Usain Bolt is insanely fast. Faster than any other person. Ever. Like, no one in the history of the world has ever been able to beat him in a 100 meter race. That's absolutely crazy to think about. There have been about infinity people that have ever lived, and he can beat them all. But now, he wants to ruin how cool that makes him by playing soccer.

From his Autobiography via NY Post- "Ideally, if I was to play football, I'd sign for my favorite team -- Manchester United. People say it's not realistic but nobody has seen me play so you never know. If Alex Ferguson saw me in one of those charity matches he might think I could replace Ryan Giggs."

How ballsy is Bolt for saying he could replace a soccer player on the best team in the world right now? Michael Jordan, the cockiest man who has ever lived, tried to play baseball for a while there and he only replaced a AA right fielder! Now I think Bolt would have a shot on an MLS team, one because MLS Soccer blows. And two, the MLS has been known to throw copious amounts of money away on "Stars" like David Beckham and Thierry Henry in the name of selling tickets and they are still having to reschedule games due to Semi-Pro Baseball. Put two and two together here and you have Usain Bolt in a Red Bulls or Galaxy jersey next year. Lock it in.

This Guy is VERY Good at Singing the Guitar

To be honest, I thought this was going to suck when he started "playing" the first couple of chords. Like, take it down a notch or two Young Vinny Chase. The other guy just led you in with a little accustic action, no need to spit hot fire electric back in his face. Then everybody else joined in and I started to get it. By the time they were doing the dueling guitars and hittin' the high notes my panties were getting wet, so I took them off and threw them at the youtube screen. Good thing I'm alone between the hours of 8am and 8pm these days.