Hey Kenneth remember that time I saw you on my plane to San Fran and all I did was smile awkwardly like a big pussy instead of saying hi or ANYTHING?

I do.

Turns Out... I am Exactly What Girls Want?

Daily Mail- Most women claim to be attracted to tall, dark and handsome men, but a new study has revealed that facial stubble and a geeky personality are their biggest secret turn-ons.

Despite complaining that it looks unkempt and feels rough to touch, the unshaven look on a man is actually a turn-on for 41 per cent of women.

A slightly geeky personality came second, proving that women really do like a guy who knows their stuff when it comes to technology.

A hairy chest was voted third, followed by a man who loves to read or cries at a soppy film.

Other secret turn-ons to feature in the top ten include grey hair, glasses and being a passionate supporter of a sports team. And more than half would rather a guy who was soft and cuddly instead of toned and muscly.



Okay, seriously, who's fucking with me? Because throw some of that Just For Men Touch of Grey in my hair and this article perfectly describes me. And anyone who knows me will tell you that I get less play than my instructional beginners yoga DVD, which is not a lot.

So if you ladies really want a soft cuddly guy who rarely shaves, has chest hair to spare, wears glasses, graduated from Columbia Engineering School (aka is a HUGE nerd), has watched Definetly, Maybe over 20 times and cried each time, and lives and dies with the fate of the Buffalo Bills, cut the shit with the secrets. I'm the man of your dreams, 100% for the taking and have been for a while.


All jokes aside, Pat did you write this? Getting my hopes up like this is just a dick move.

Mike Vick to do Playgirl?

So I've been looking for some feedback on the blog thus far, and pretty much everyone's telling us our shit smells like roses. The only negative response so far has been that we concentrate on blazin hot chicks too much. Well, I still fail to see this as a problem, but I give the people what they want. So for the female meatheads out there we have this piece of (arguably, but whatever) news.

yahoo The embattled American footballer, who was arrested for animal abuse and promoting dogfighting in 2007, has been invited to pose for Playgirl in return for a $1 million donation to animal rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

A spokesman for Playgirl confirms to Life & Style magazine, "I sent the request to Michael Vick on Wednesday, but we haven’t heard back yet.

So there, don't say I never throw the ladies a bone. In summary, Michael Vick may or may not be doing Playgirl. Oh, and fuck PETA, they blow donkeys.

I've made the BIGGEST Mistake of my Life

If I had to do one thing over in my life it would obviously be to play hockey growing up instead of football. Don't get me wrong, football will forever be #1 in my heart, but you and I both know that the only thing holding me back from being in the NHL today is the ability to skate.

PLUS do you know how many girls date hockey players? All the best kinds! Elisha Cuthbert dated Sean Avery and Dion Phaneuf, Anna Kournikova was dating Sergei Federov and was engaged to Pavel Bure, Carrie Underwood is engaged to Mike Fisher, Willa Ford married Mike Modano... and now Hillary Duff is engaged to and doming up Mike Comrie of the Edmonton Oilers! Not fair. I would've skated 20 hours a day if I knew that it meant that I would've had a shot with any one of those girls. Now I guess I'll just have to settle for average to slightly above average looking women for the rest of my life. Unless of course, this blog goes viral... then I'm sure I'll have to fight off the ladies with a mop or broom or something.

Regardless, for your viewing pleasure...

What is Canada going to do When I win Gold in Curling Now?

In the immortal words of Ricky Bobby, "We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet" and we just proved it again last night by beating Canada 5-3 at their favorite game on their home ice. Reminds me of the time our 5 year old neighbor invited me over to his place and I whooped him in wii swordfighting, but not quite on such a grand level.

On a less serious note, all this talk about the biggest upset since the Miracle on Ice needs to stop. Children, this is a qualifying game that meant almost nothing in the scheme of things other than seeding. There's still a long road ahead of the US Hockey team, and if we lose to some scrub team like Switzerland or Belarus no one is going to remember beating the Canadians. Although it's good that the whole world got to see what every Buffalonian already knew, that Ryan Miller is STUD between the pipes.

And look at that, I almost made it through the entire post without mentioning that Miller plays for Buffalo and Patrick Kane (The US's best forward) is from Buffalo. Good for me.

First Clip of Alice in Wonderland is Educational

See ladies, this is what happens when you eat cake. You become monstrously large and don't fit in your clothes. So push away from the desserts and work on those abs like my girl here

Heidi Montag doing Playboy (again)...Yawn

MSNBC-- Heidi Montag isn’t done showing off her newly enhanced assets. The reality-turned-surgical star is currently in talks with Playboy for a deal that could earn her more than a million dollars.

“Heidi would love to do another (Playboy) cover,” said a source who’s exceedingly close to the couple.

Montag’s first Playboy pose, back in September, was conservative by some standards, but part deux stands to be a little more risqué.

Heidi you little slut you! Playboy again, huh? Despite what the evidence suggests, I'm not as excited about this as you might expect. Yes, she hits a lot of things on my list. Double digit plastic surgeries, and she still wants to go bigger? Check. Will surely put up with me considering she has the worst dude in the world for a boyfriend? Check. Major part of the best television series in history? Check.

But things get a little rocky from there. Certifiably insane? Yep. Huge bitch to my girl Lauren? Uh huh. And, the deal breaker: will stop taking her birth control without telling her boyfriend? Yes sir.

So all you kids out there go enjoy Heidi's new toys. Call me when it's my future wife we're talking about.

PS- Pretty certain it's not a coincidence that my name is in Audrina's last name. What's the word for it, you ask? Destiny.

I Think This is My Chance...

National Enquirer - "Gossip Girl" star Blake Lively wants to shed her teeny-bopper image – by shedding her clothes for “Playboy”!

And she’s asking a whopping $2.5 million to bare it all for the cameras!

This year I set numerous, unlikely to be achieved New Years resolutions including cutting back on drinking, going to the gym regularly, traveling more, and significantly changing one person's life for the better. Well I was just thinking, what's better than changing one person's life for the better? Changing 2.5 million peoples' lives for the better. So, meatheads, I'm asking you all to send in $1 and I will pool it all together to get Blake Lively nakey. It's the least I can do. And I swear this has nothing to do with my goal of making $1 million this year...

Turns out Canada knows what's up--curling is the shit, eh?

So I spent this afternoon watching curling with the bros. Ho hum just your average hungover Saturday. Man I gotta say for a sport/game/activity as seemingly retarded as curling, that shit was actually quite enjoyable. Didn't even want to change the channel at commercials for fear my always on-point remote control timing might suffer a minor slip up that would result in a missed stone throw. Or even worse, another chance to see this babe:

Yes that's right, curling is arousing. Answer a question for me: if I were to go into my room with paper-thin walls and close the door and all you heard was "yes..yes...YESSSSS," "HARDER!!!!!," and "RIGHT THERE!!!," what would you think I was doing? Pretty sure the words redtube, youporn, and/or xvideos might be in your answer. But alas, my friends, turns out these ladies express their feelings in a pretty similar manner. Who knew?

PS--dibs. If you think I'm not going to start calling dibs via blog, you mi amigo must be outside of your mind.

Hey Brooklyn remember that time I brought you fresh warm corn tortillas to make guacamole tacos with at Rosa and we locked eyes and fell in love?

I do.

That's A Lot of Balls

Needless to say, I would have dominated the shit outta this game. Woulda used my move where I take two balls (grow up), lob one up at a kid and then rocket the second ball right to the babymaker. works like money.

And while were on the subject of sports I would dominate, every olympics I claim that if given 4 years to train for an event, I'd easily be able to be in the olympics. Leaning toward curling for Sochi in 2014, and not just because I am certain I could crush a sixer of Labatt's while taking home the gold. I just finished watching a thrilling women's curling match between the US and the Brits and I'm pretty sure that Eve Muirhead and me would get along. She looks inviting.

HOW DARE THEY

Yahoo- Some teen viewers may be drawn by the lure of the two Taylors, but their time onscreen together arguably reps the film's low point," writes Variety's Todd McCarthy regarding Swift's performance alongside onetime boyfriend Taylor Lautner. "Swift, especially, seems entirely undirected, as she jumps around, makes faces and jabbers on inanely. If she's to have a film career, she needs to find a skilled director to tamp her down and channel her obviously abundant energy.

The movie isn't awful, and nor is it an award winner," Villarreal declares, "unless you count Swift's frontrunner status to add a worst supporting actress Razzie to her shelf full of Grammys

So I've never been on a real job interview, but I've heard that at every single one they ask you what your biggest fault is. I've had the response "Big Ankles" saved up for years now, but normal people just aren't as clever as I am, so they give lines like "I'm a perfectionist" or "Sometimes I can be over ambitious." Now, 99% of the time they are 100% full of shit and are just trying to make their flaws seem like positive qualities. But in this case, being over ambitious is Taylor Swift's ONLY flaw. I mean that role was absolutely impossible. Even Meryl Streep couldn't make me believe that she was actually in love with that douchetool from the vampire movie, and this was Taylor's first movie role! So all of you critics take it easy on my girl before she starts writing songs about your dumbasses and using them to clean up at the Grammy's next year.


PS- Yeah, shits gettin real. I figured out how to post videos. If somehow this isn't the greatest blog in history by the end of next week I will be severely disappointed.

Pres Clinton Hospitalized with Clogged Heart, Living the Dream

NEW YORK – Former President Bill Clinton, who had quadruple bypass surgery more than five years ago, was hospitalized Thursday to have a clogged heart artery opened after suffering discomfort in his chest.

Talk about a tough year for black presidents, huh? First, Obama is on par with the Jay Leno Show as far as torching records for low approval ratings go, now Bubba's heart's giving out? And right before Valetine's Day too...

I'm not really sure if I should be pissed off here at Slick Willie, or admire the hell out of him. He has literally been tearing pages out of my playbook for years. He has done everything I've always half jokingly said I was going to do with my life. Become Leader of the Free World. Check. Trade in my wife when she stops giving me blowies for a younger model that doesn't mind so much. Check. Be on record for loosely defining the word IS. Check. Eat whatever the hell I want and justify it by going for very slow jogs. Check. Kick the bucket before I hate the shit out of my life, sounds like he's pretty on pace there too.

Dwyane Wade Commercials Make Less Sense Than How He Spells His Name

So Nike Released a New Advertisement Campaign for the Air Jordan 2010s featuring Dwyane Wade, and believe it or not it makes less sense than his old Converse Campaign which preached "Fall down 7 times, Get up 8." This time the slogan for Wade's shoe is Nightmares Never Sleep, which begs to ask what the fuck do my Nightmare's do when I'm awake? Because I had this one last week where I lived with this sarcastic little fuck who constantly nagged me to wash my dishes... Ooooooo... I think I get it now.

Brooklyn is Trendy

You want to see what the woman of my dreams looks like? Yup. That's her right there. Small, blonde, tan and practically naked. Brooklyn Decker is a fastball right in my wheelhouse. And best of all, she got married to that choke artist Andy Roddick last year at only 21 years old, which means I still have time to work on my backhand volley before she divorces his ass.

Couldn't Have Said it Better Myself

Well as of this morning, I thought all was lost in the Superbowl on Sunday. Manning blew it down the stretch and by all means handed Tom Brady the 'Best Quarterback of this Generation' title in the process. The commercials sucked again with the exception of the Stevie Wonder punching Tracy Morgan after calling out a Volkswagen. And I certainly looked like a dumbass questioning Sean Payton's coaching decisions all night. But then I stumbled across this pic and Superbowl XLIV completely redeemed itself. Pretty awesome that a kicker and punter are embracing and the pic provides its own caption.

He's Heating Up...

So EA Sports recently bought the rights to the NBA Jam franchise and is planning on releasing it on the Wii thus far. If you don't think I'm going to be first in line outside the Best Buy in Union Square the second this is released you are an absolute fool. I spent the better part of my childhood schoolin kids with Zo and Grandmama, dunking from half court and lightin up 3s from the corner. And judging from the pics they released, say goodbye to my early twenties because this is going to 100% consume my life.

Tale of two muffs

WOMAN WITH TWO VAGINAS

Well first off, fuck Pat, or whatever he decideds to call himself. Kid tells me he wants to do the first post on the site and then does jack shit for 3 weeks while yours truely has the awesomest stuff to share. Then he tells me last night he wants to retroactively write the first post. Fine. Whatever gets your dick hard bro. How are we supposed to be great bloggers with that work ethic? Seriously, get your shit together.


Well now that thats off my chest, on to orders of business. Want to know why, given the choice, I'm watchin The View seven days a week and twice on Sunday before flippin on The Tyra Banks Show even tho Tyra would be a first round pick in a fantasy cougar draft? It's certainly not the content, because Tyra found pure gold here with the woman with two vaginas. It's because I know that even if Barbara Walters is queefing dust at this point, the old bag is going to ask the hard hitting questions. You think if Barbara got this interview she's asking questions no one wants to hear the answer to like "Do you get two periods?" Eww Gross. No, Barbara's askin if its a left and right situation and what kinda freaky sex you can have with two happy holes.

btw is the plural of cervix, cervices or cervixes? It would help settle a debate, thanks.

Why I'm not goin skiing in Tahoe

skip to the 1:15 mark

So I have a confession to make. For the past few weeks, I've been tellin people that the reason I'm not goin skiing on the Tahoe trip is because my knees have been killin me of late. Truth is that I've been milkin a seven year old injury because I'm scared SHITLESS of falling head over heels a hundred times into a fucking crater. Thanks but no thanks. Soooooooooo... while you clowns are out there riskin your damn lives, I'll be pullin my best Pauly D impression, falling on grenades for Sam so he can hook up in the hottub.