HOW DARE THEY

Yahoo- Some teen viewers may be drawn by the lure of the two Taylors, but their time onscreen together arguably reps the film's low point," writes Variety's Todd McCarthy regarding Swift's performance alongside onetime boyfriend Taylor Lautner. "Swift, especially, seems entirely undirected, as she jumps around, makes faces and jabbers on inanely. If she's to have a film career, she needs to find a skilled director to tamp her down and channel her obviously abundant energy.

The movie isn't awful, and nor is it an award winner," Villarreal declares, "unless you count Swift's frontrunner status to add a worst supporting actress Razzie to her shelf full of Grammys

So I've never been on a real job interview, but I've heard that at every single one they ask you what your biggest fault is. I've had the response "Big Ankles" saved up for years now, but normal people just aren't as clever as I am, so they give lines like "I'm a perfectionist" or "Sometimes I can be over ambitious." Now, 99% of the time they are 100% full of shit and are just trying to make their flaws seem like positive qualities. But in this case, being over ambitious is Taylor Swift's ONLY flaw. I mean that role was absolutely impossible. Even Meryl Streep couldn't make me believe that she was actually in love with that douchetool from the vampire movie, and this was Taylor's first movie role! So all of you critics take it easy on my girl before she starts writing songs about your dumbasses and using them to clean up at the Grammy's next year.


PS- Yeah, shits gettin real. I figured out how to post videos. If somehow this isn't the greatest blog in history by the end of next week I will be severely disappointed.

Pres Clinton Hospitalized with Clogged Heart, Living the Dream

NEW YORK – Former President Bill Clinton, who had quadruple bypass surgery more than five years ago, was hospitalized Thursday to have a clogged heart artery opened after suffering discomfort in his chest.

Talk about a tough year for black presidents, huh? First, Obama is on par with the Jay Leno Show as far as torching records for low approval ratings go, now Bubba's heart's giving out? And right before Valetine's Day too...

I'm not really sure if I should be pissed off here at Slick Willie, or admire the hell out of him. He has literally been tearing pages out of my playbook for years. He has done everything I've always half jokingly said I was going to do with my life. Become Leader of the Free World. Check. Trade in my wife when she stops giving me blowies for a younger model that doesn't mind so much. Check. Be on record for loosely defining the word IS. Check. Eat whatever the hell I want and justify it by going for very slow jogs. Check. Kick the bucket before I hate the shit out of my life, sounds like he's pretty on pace there too.

Dwyane Wade Commercials Make Less Sense Than How He Spells His Name

So Nike Released a New Advertisement Campaign for the Air Jordan 2010s featuring Dwyane Wade, and believe it or not it makes less sense than his old Converse Campaign which preached "Fall down 7 times, Get up 8." This time the slogan for Wade's shoe is Nightmares Never Sleep, which begs to ask what the fuck do my Nightmare's do when I'm awake? Because I had this one last week where I lived with this sarcastic little fuck who constantly nagged me to wash my dishes... Ooooooo... I think I get it now.

He's Heating Up...

So EA Sports recently bought the rights to the NBA Jam franchise and is planning on releasing it on the Wii thus far. If you don't think I'm going to be first in line outside the Best Buy in Union Square the second this is released you are an absolute fool. I spent the better part of my childhood schoolin kids with Zo and Grandmama, dunking from half court and lightin up 3s from the corner. And judging from the pics they released, say goodbye to my early twenties because this is going to 100% consume my life.

Tale of two muffs

WOMAN WITH TWO VAGINAS

Well first off, fuck Pat, or whatever he decideds to call himself. Kid tells me he wants to do the first post on the site and then does jack shit for 3 weeks while yours truely has the awesomest stuff to share. Then he tells me last night he wants to retroactively write the first post. Fine. Whatever gets your dick hard bro. How are we supposed to be great bloggers with that work ethic? Seriously, get your shit together.


Well now that thats off my chest, on to orders of business. Want to know why, given the choice, I'm watchin The View seven days a week and twice on Sunday before flippin on The Tyra Banks Show even tho Tyra would be a first round pick in a fantasy cougar draft? It's certainly not the content, because Tyra found pure gold here with the woman with two vaginas. It's because I know that even if Barbara Walters is queefing dust at this point, the old bag is going to ask the hard hitting questions. You think if Barbara got this interview she's asking questions no one wants to hear the answer to like "Do you get two periods?" Eww Gross. No, Barbara's askin if its a left and right situation and what kinda freaky sex you can have with two happy holes.

btw is the plural of cervix, cervices or cervixes? It would help settle a debate, thanks.

Why I'm not goin skiing in Tahoe

skip to the 1:15 mark

So I have a confession to make. For the past few weeks, I've been tellin people that the reason I'm not goin skiing on the Tahoe trip is because my knees have been killin me of late. Truth is that I've been milkin a seven year old injury because I'm scared SHITLESS of falling head over heels a hundred times into a fucking crater. Thanks but no thanks. Soooooooooo... while you clowns are out there riskin your damn lives, I'll be pullin my best Pauly D impression, falling on grenades for Sam so he can hook up in the hottub.