2010 NFL Preview

With training camps opening up across the country, I thought I'd save you the time and tell you exactly what is going to happen and free up your Sunday afternoons and Monday for the next seven months.

1. The Bills will suck. This is the least optimistic I've ever been entering any football season. Ever. The Bills will get lucky and win 2 games.

2. The Bills will win their 45th consecutive super bowl. One of those games will be Superbowl XLV. One year we'll let someone else win, just not this year.

3. The Chiefs and Raiders are going to be better than expected. The teams are ranked 24th and 27th in ESPNs NFL Power Rankings by their experts. They will finish in at least 23rd and 26th respectively... they play the NFC West this year.

4. A new Dynasty will form. With Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, and Drew Brees all entering the final year of their contracts, the three will spend the entire season secretly plotting together, before announcing in an hour special on ESPN that they will be collectively taking their talents to the West Beaches of Lake Erie, citing the low cost of living in Buffalo.

5. I will have to hear about the possibility of a work stoppage in 2011 way too many times. In fact, I already have.

6. The Houston Texans will make the playoffs for the first time in franchise history. They will be a wild card along with the Jets.

7. Fuck Wes Welker. Not really a prediction, but it needs to be written nonetheless. Dude's knee essentially imploded in week 17 last year...



An injury that usually keeps a player out for nearly an entire calender year, and Welker is back before training camp. Full healthy. That's cheating. Somebody fine Belichick.

8. Hard Knocks will be awesome. This one deserves its own blog. More later.

9. Fantasy Sleeper of the Year will be LaGarette Blount. Yes, the guy who punched the Boise State Defensive End last year. Chris Johnson is stupid fast, but is not an every down back. Blount will get the red zone touches that Patronless Lendale White got last year.

10. The Eagles will start strong but falter down the stretch. After their bye in Week 8, the Eagles end the season with the Colts, Redskins, Giants, Bears, Texans, Cowboys, Giants again, Vikings, Cowboys again. Tough stretch and the young talents of Kolb, McCoy and Jackson will have blue balls, because they won't be able to finish (Easily the worst joke I've posted on here).

11. Comeback Player of the Year will be Matt Leinart. Ladies of Phoenix look out, he's back on the prowl.

12. Dez Bryant will become my new least favorite player in the NFL. Dropped in draft due to character issues, and then and proved everybody right in his first days at Cowboys training camp by refusing to carry veteran wide receiver Roy William's pads. Just a sign of things to come. Rookie hazing gets much worse than carrying pads...



13. Terrell Owens will sign with the Bengals, making them my least favorite team. I wrote previously that I liked the Bengals embracing the darkside, but this is getting ridiculous. Whoever is the architect of this dream is just fucking with me now. If you don't get it, go watch Inception NOW.

14. No one will be good enough to win the MVP, so they'll give it to Peyton Manning. I'm okay with this as long as they let him finally get some endorsement deals.

15. Atlanta will be a wild card in the NFC. They've got Samuel L., that's also cheating. Somebody fine Belichick.



16. The Packers will be the other. I also have them playing the Vikings in the second round of the playoffs. I plan on learning how to read that week as I refuse to watch any TV leading up to Favre playing his old team in the playoffs.

17. The Wild Card round will play out like this. Jets over New England. Houston over San Diego. Green Bay over San Francisco. Dallas over Atlanta.

18. Divisional Round goes like... Baltimore over the Jets. Indy over Houston. Vikings over Packers. Cowboys over Saints.

19. Conference Championship Round. Baltimore over Indy. Vikings over Cowboys.

20. All-Purple Superbowl goes to the Bills. We've been over this already. In the Third place game the Ravens beat the Vikings and rip Brett Favre's right arm off forcing him into retirement.