Are You Dating a Financial Deadbeat?

Forbes.com- Ahhh romance! While thoughts of love may be in the summer wind, down here on the ground the financially savvy person might want to give some solid thought to whether their sweetie is in the red or in the black when it comes to their personal finances.

1. Does your sweetie always insist on picking up the check at a big dinner and/or throw down his or her credit card without even looking at the bill?
2. Does your sweetie have a large but sparsely furnished apartment / home?
3. Does your sweetie avoid answering calls on his or her phone?
4. Does your sweetie lease his or her car?
5. Does your sweetie ask you to co-sign or buy things in your name, and promising to pay you back?


Where to even start with this article? I know whoever wrote it had a decent idea and gave an honest effort, but the execution is all off. Have they ever seen Half Baked when Dave Chapelle's character goes on a date with Mary Jane? Financial Deadbeats do not blindly throw down credit cards at restaurants, because they do not have credit cards and they do not go to restaurants. They offer to take you on a romantic walk through Central Park or ask you if you want to stay in and watch a movie and bring over a bottle of 3 Buck Chuck. And financial deadbeats do not have large apartments that are sparsely decorated, they live in shithole apartments and will not invite you over unless you are wasted and think they can get some.

The writer was close with the not picking up his cell phone argument, except that they forgot to include that the deadbeat only avoids picking up calls before 8pm, or whenever Free Nights and Weekends starts up. Also, a deadbeat does not lease a car, he calls you up for a ride to his buddy's place because his broke ass does not have a car. And if you live in New York City where owning a car does not apply, you can tell you're with a deadbeat if he does not take a cab home from the bars, instead opting for taking the subway. You would have to be absolutely OUTSIDE OF YOUR MIND or dead ass broke to take a subway after 1am. The trains come once every two and a half hours and you are legit putting yourself in the way of physical harm.

Number 5 is actually dead on. If the person asks you to co-sign a purchase with them that they are dead broke. But how far down the list would asking someone to co-sign a purchse be on my list of how to tell if dating a deadbeat? 856? Lower? If somebody asks you to cosign, odds are you've been dating the person for a while. And if you haven't figured out if they are broke by then, well, who's really to blame in that situation?

Ready for the real test to see if the person is a deadbeat? If they are willing to walk over 5 blocks out of the way to go to a bank to avoid ATM fees. 6 blocks or more? Boom. Deadbeat. Any other brain busters?

Lady Tries to Commit Suicide on Subway Track, New Yorkers Compassionate

So this story was on Barstool New York earlier and KFC wrote a hilarious post about even fucking Looney Tunes know not to cross the yellow line and go down on to the tracks, so this chick must be mentally unbalanced to a spectacular degree. But without a doubt the best part of this video is the Lady in Orange who comes in at 0:45.

"Get the FUCK up! Go die elsewhere man! GET'EM UP! GET'EM UP!"

And just like that The Lady in Orange undoes decades of New Yorkers getting a bad rep for not being compassionate. She was not about to let this woman(?) just lounge on the tracks and have the A Train smash her into Bolivian. No, she was going to make sure somebody else got down there to pull the her up at all costs. Even if it was only so that she could get to her Mani-Pedi appointment at Cindy's Healing Hands on time.

Ahmadinejad Finally Got One Right

Ahmadinejad, leader of Iran, has been known to say some dumbass things in his time. Saying that gays and lesbians don't exist in Iran? Ehh, I'll probably take the over on that one. Calling the Holocaust a myth? Yeah, pretty sure that wasn't made up. Saying that by the power of Allah, Iran will be a nuclear power? Ummm, dude have you even heard of Hiroshima or Nagasaki? Not exactly the brightest moments in the Human Race. But, I got to hand it to Ahmandinejad on this one...

The Mirror- Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has taken a swipe at football-result predicting octopus Paul, labelling him a symbol of all that is wrong with the west.

Ahmadinejad has accused the octopus of spreading “western propaganda and superstition.”

“Those who believe in this type of thing cannot be the leaders of the global nations that aspire, like Iran, to human perfection, basing themselves in the love of all sacred values,” he said.

Paul the Octopus fucking sucks. I have it on good authority that Paul just picked whatever team was on his right everytime. The fact that this idiot got so much press is a sign of what is wrong with the West. If you believe that Octopi can accurately predict Octopussy Soccer games, you should not be allowed to run a country. Period. Am I upset that I didn't put money on the teams that Paul the Octopus picked? Maybe.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand, Chris Kaman is My New 2nd Favorite Player in the NBA

Chris Kaman, on the 4th of July, set off $10,000 worth of fireworks on his front lawn with the goal of "Entertaining West Michigan." I literally cannot think of any better way of burning 10k (Lay up pun intended. Holy Shit, I did it again just there. Get it? Because he's a basketball player? Lay up? And it was an easy pun to make? Okay, moving on). Oh, that's just a quarter of most the people I know's yearly salary. Before taxes.

Gotta love a guy though, that when he picks up his fireworks from his dealer proclaims, "WE'RE GOING TO JAIL." If it were not for Brendan Haywood already having a stanglehold on being my favorite player, Kaman would easily hold that title. That actually sums up my personality pretty well, that my two favorite player in the NBA are journeymen centers.

Also- Is it crazy of me to think that the Clippers won't suck next year? Yeah they're the Clippers, but a starting five of Baron Davis, Eric Gordon, Ryan Gomes/potentially Richard Jefferson, Blake Griffin and Chris Kaman with Rasual Butler, Randy Foye, Eric Bledsoe and Craig Smith coming off the bench, doesn't sound terrible right? I am officially more optimistic about the Clippers than I am about the Bills. Kill me now.

Also Also-- Good looks to RenneBOOM for the link

Tim Lincecum Took Girl's Kiss Viginity

Funny, I lost my kiss virginity in middle school to somebody that was also nicknamed 'The Freak.' It was pure, magical bliss when we locked lips, until our braces interlocked and I was stuck an inch away from her pizza face. Then it got very embarassing, very quickly. Didn't live that one down for a while. But hey, at least it was a girl right?

Not sure if the best part of the video is the guy in the background saying "Hey, I didn't get a kiss!" or when the girl Lincecame in her pants. Yes, I stood up and took a bow after writing that one.

I Got Trade Raped by Pattyshack

Okay, quick background. I play fantasy baseball with pattyshack with some of the guys that he works with where he Rethinks Possible. Pattyshack is a savvy veteran in the ways of the fantasy baseball, whereas I haven't played since middle school. And even then my buddies and I didn't really get it and just stacked one team by way of bullshit trades so that we could have a "Fantasy Team."

Regardless, a couple of weeks ago, I needed stolen bases and he needed home runs, so I traded the underperforming Carlos "El Caballo" Lee for over achieving Rajai Davis... only to find out 3 days after that Coco Crisp (Yes that's a real player) was coming back from injury and Rajai Davis was being relegated to the bench. Yes, I traded for a backup outfielder.

Well, obviously I've held this against Pattyshack ever since. He'll ask if I want a beer and I'll tell him "Yeah sure, I'll give you a backup outfielder for it." He calls dibs on a girl? Yeah, I'll trade you a backup outfielder for her. You get the idea.

I officially parted ways with Davis today by dropping him off of my team, where he officially played one game. Easily the worst trade I have ever made in fantasy sports. Pattyshack trade raped the shit out of me. But hey, snake it 'til you make it patty. Hope you can look yourself in the mirror while your all the way up there in the standings.

PS- Can't wait for The League to start up again on September 16th. If you haven't watched it yet, go do it right now, even if you aren't into fantasy sports. I've been pushing it on a few kids since Season 1 came out and they loved the shit out of it once they gave it a shot. It's only 6 episodes long too, so I don't want to hear any excuses.

Can You Believe This Guy Failed a Physical?

Am I supposed to put NSFW under this? I'm very confused.


I was FUMING when the Bills passed on Terrance "Mount" Cody in the second round of this years draft. That was until the Baltimore Ravens' Rookie Defensive Tackle was just placed on the Physically Unable to Perform list, because he couldn't pass his physical. For real. This happened. Oh, childhood obesity.

But in all seriousness, how in the world do you fail a physical? Did he just automatically fail when the shirt came off? Did Cody think the doctor was trying to feel him up when trying to listening to his heart? Did he refuse to get on the truck scale that would be necessary to weigh him?

I'm curious, because I passed a physical when I was a 114 pound 9 year old, trying to play on the 12 year old little league football team. And as much as I'd like to lead you to believe I was the most jacked 9 year old of all-time, I was easily the fattest kid on my team and I was the youngest by 3 years. It's cool because being a husky kid is where I got my sensitive side from.


** UPDATE ** He failed a conditioning test. I guess that makes sense.

** EVEN BETTER UPDATE ** The test he failed twice was to run 25 yards and back three times with 70 second rests in between. Pretty sure even JDeemz aka JSmiles could do that these days.

2010 NFL Preview

With training camps opening up across the country, I thought I'd save you the time and tell you exactly what is going to happen and free up your Sunday afternoons and Monday for the next seven months.

1. The Bills will suck. This is the least optimistic I've ever been entering any football season. Ever. The Bills will get lucky and win 2 games.

2. The Bills will win their 45th consecutive super bowl. One of those games will be Superbowl XLV. One year we'll let someone else win, just not this year.

3. The Chiefs and Raiders are going to be better than expected. The teams are ranked 24th and 27th in ESPNs NFL Power Rankings by their experts. They will finish in at least 23rd and 26th respectively... they play the NFC West this year.

4. A new Dynasty will form. With Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, and Drew Brees all entering the final year of their contracts, the three will spend the entire season secretly plotting together, before announcing in an hour special on ESPN that they will be collectively taking their talents to the West Beaches of Lake Erie, citing the low cost of living in Buffalo.

5. I will have to hear about the possibility of a work stoppage in 2011 way too many times. In fact, I already have.

6. The Houston Texans will make the playoffs for the first time in franchise history. They will be a wild card along with the Jets.

7. Fuck Wes Welker. Not really a prediction, but it needs to be written nonetheless. Dude's knee essentially imploded in week 17 last year...



An injury that usually keeps a player out for nearly an entire calender year, and Welker is back before training camp. Full healthy. That's cheating. Somebody fine Belichick.

8. Hard Knocks will be awesome. This one deserves its own blog. More later.

9. Fantasy Sleeper of the Year will be LaGarette Blount. Yes, the guy who punched the Boise State Defensive End last year. Chris Johnson is stupid fast, but is not an every down back. Blount will get the red zone touches that Patronless Lendale White got last year.

10. The Eagles will start strong but falter down the stretch. After their bye in Week 8, the Eagles end the season with the Colts, Redskins, Giants, Bears, Texans, Cowboys, Giants again, Vikings, Cowboys again. Tough stretch and the young talents of Kolb, McCoy and Jackson will have blue balls, because they won't be able to finish (Easily the worst joke I've posted on here).

11. Comeback Player of the Year will be Matt Leinart. Ladies of Phoenix look out, he's back on the prowl.

12. Dez Bryant will become my new least favorite player in the NFL. Dropped in draft due to character issues, and then and proved everybody right in his first days at Cowboys training camp by refusing to carry veteran wide receiver Roy William's pads. Just a sign of things to come. Rookie hazing gets much worse than carrying pads...



13. Terrell Owens will sign with the Bengals, making them my least favorite team. I wrote previously that I liked the Bengals embracing the darkside, but this is getting ridiculous. Whoever is the architect of this dream is just fucking with me now. If you don't get it, go watch Inception NOW.

14. No one will be good enough to win the MVP, so they'll give it to Peyton Manning. I'm okay with this as long as they let him finally get some endorsement deals.

15. Atlanta will be a wild card in the NFC. They've got Samuel L., that's also cheating. Somebody fine Belichick.



16. The Packers will be the other. I also have them playing the Vikings in the second round of the playoffs. I plan on learning how to read that week as I refuse to watch any TV leading up to Favre playing his old team in the playoffs.

17. The Wild Card round will play out like this. Jets over New England. Houston over San Diego. Green Bay over San Francisco. Dallas over Atlanta.

18. Divisional Round goes like... Baltimore over the Jets. Indy over Houston. Vikings over Packers. Cowboys over Saints.

19. Conference Championship Round. Baltimore over Indy. Vikings over Cowboys.

20. All-Purple Superbowl goes to the Bills. We've been over this already. In the Third place game the Ravens beat the Vikings and rip Brett Favre's right arm off forcing him into retirement.

The Real World New Orleans is Surprisingly Watchable

Alright, I'm not going to sit here and bullshit you that I'm a huge reality show fan like Pattyshack is. I don't take my talents down to South Beach anytime The Hills or Keeping Up with the Kardashians comes on. For the most part, I'm a casual observer, with some notable exceptions like the Jersey Shore.

That being said, The Real World New Orleans is gotta have it TV. Seriously, it's like crack laced with heroine. For the first time in a long while, MTV actually cast some people who didn't completely suck as human beings. And someone must have reminded them that if they sprinkled in a Smokeshow or two the show becomes infinitely more watchable. For those of you clowns that missed the first couple episodes, I'm gonna do you a "favor" and breakdown each character in the house. If you start watching the show and can't function normally in society afterwards, I gave you fair warning.

We'll start with kind of a layup, Sahar. Unbelievably cute girl who I would like a million times more if she didn't sound like someone just kicked her in the face and collapsed her nasal passages. Just kinda ruins her for me. Besides that she has some kind of ambiguous long distance boyfriend and constantly teases my man Eric's dick. I am about 74% certain that they'll get together by the end of the season, so keep an eye out for that.

Another pretty standard pick for MTV. Preston is a lanky, black 22 year old who gets with mad dudes. Completely exemplifies what I have always handed to gay dudes, and that is that gay dudes get down. Often. And it makes sense because like 97% of guys are trying to bone at any given time as opposed to like 3% of girls. It just increases your odds if you're into that kind of thing. Anyway Preston is the man because he keeps calling out Ryan for being at least questionable in sexuality to his face, which is okay because....

...Ryan is the ABSOLUTE WORST. I'm not sure if I have ever disliked anybody more and that includes Hitler and Satan. He is a drama queen hair dresser, who is constantly picking fights with Preston and calling him a very offensive f word, and its not frugal. He also likes to put a lot of things in his ass for a guy who likes women (Knight's pillows and Preston's cigarette... don't worry though, Preston pissed on his toothbrush). If attention is not on Ryan then he is inventing injuries and making someone take him to the hospital or lying in bed blow drying his body. There is absolutely no way Ryan lasts the entire season. NONE. My hope is that somebody sets him on fire.

Ah, McKenzie, where to begin. Well if you have ever met me in your entire life, and you took one look at McKenzie you know exactly what I'm going to say next. McKenzie is a nice slow breaking ball that doesn't break, right in my wheelhouse. It was love at first sight with me and McKenzie, even before she started talking about how she loves to hook up and often blacks out. Unfortunately, Mckenzie has not been much of a character so far and I'm a little worried she lacks personality. But only a little worried.

Knight is easily the best character on the show. It's not even close. If you watch and Knight isn't your favorite character then I don't know you, never have and have no interest in ever meeting you, because you are an idiot and dead to me. He is a 23 year old recovering pain-killer addict from Wisconsin who is pure comedic gold, both intentionally and unintentionally. From his telling Jemmye that he was gonna give her the best two pumps of her life when he becomes her first white boy, to calling Ryan out for being a pussy for faking his shoulder injury, to responding to big thang's nudemail to Preston that he had a bigger cock and the whole house was now going to him little thang, everything the kid does makes me want to be best friends with him.

You can't tell at all in the picture, but Jemmye is an absolute butterface. Like her body is unreal. Makes no sense at all. On a sidenote, she seems like a real sweetheart of a girl. Unfortunately for her, it seems like she has fallen for Knight and the feelings are less than mutual. Which only goes to completely disproves the whole once you go black you never go back theory (In case you weren't paying attention, Knight was Jemmye's first white boy).

Eric is the black Sam Rennebohm. I am truely sorry for any of you who have not met Saint Sam, your lives just are not as good as those of us who have. But much like Sam, Eric is the oldest in the group, is the cooler head that prevails when anyone in the house starts fighting and has strikingly blue eyes. Also, Eric fell for the ethnic looking girl in the house, and is getting his heart ripped out by her. There is no way that Eric does not go to seminary school and punt basketballs.

Other than being a D1 basketball player and owning a pair of lips that prompted our female roommate to ask Pattyshack and me "Are those DSL's?" there really isn't much to say about Ashlee. Just a complete non-factor in the show so far with not much promise for the future.

I Rock the SHIT Out of This Hat

I've made about 188 different resumes for jobs the past couple weeks and now I'm sorta pissed that I now have to go back and add Fashion Icon to all of them. Picked this little number up from a street vendor on Fulton Street for $4 and all weekend guys wanted to be me and girls wanted to get with me.

Now I know what you're thinking, how is that different from any other weekend? I must have to beat pussy away with a stick, what with my chiseled body, doe-like eyes, razor sharp wits and charming personality. You're right, but I've never had as many girls throw themselves at me as I did while rockin the Stars and Stripes on my noggin. I'm just upset I hadn't thought of it until now, ladies love Patriotism.

The best part of the Saturday night though, a girl runs up to me and starts telling me how awesome my hat is and grabs it off my head. Just as I think I have her hook, line and sinker, she looks at me and goes, "Ugh! Is that sweat?"

Yeah, Sweety, it was sweat. I'd been grinding on girl's bums all night and it was at least 120 down in the club part of Los Feliz. Plus, if you had been reading My Meat you'd have known that hat was going to be soaked because I sweat more than the guy in the Axe commercial...





Oh and ladies, if you think I was killin' you in the American Flag Hat, JUST WAIT til I drop the aviators on you. You'll need to start wearing a belt around your panties to keep them up.

Greatest Commercial Ever

Pattyshack said it best when he screamed during the entire ad that this had to be a joke. Not even sure he can re-brand this mess, and he rethinks possible.

And for the record I signed Deemz up for Ashley Madison like 2 years ago.

Lebron Prediction

Browns winning the Super Bowl 2011.

BIGGEST FREE AGENT SIGNING OF ALL-TIME

Fuck LeBron. Fuck his hour long special. My man B-HayVe just signed a 6 year $55 million deal with the Mavericks. Just hand them the Championship now.

MTV is Looking for the Best TJ

Well I was all set to rip this contest apart with 2nd grade level jokes. That was until I read further that they are offering 100 grand for someone to be a Twitter Jockey. I have always been a Twitter opponent, because it's the dumbest invention in the history of man kind. It's dumber than the Talking Dolphin Radio. But you know what isn't the dumbest invention in the history of man kind? 100,000 dollars that's what. Especially to someone who's hunting for a job.

So MTV, look no further, I can give you the greatest TJ of all-time. I have a firm grip, but not too firm, work at a good pace, I'm ambidextrous, my forearms are in great shape and I have never had an issue with a boss. I'm frictionless, you could say.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY INDEED!

And in case you were wondering, he consumed a negative amount of calories on the 5th.

Is Mother Nature Fucking Kidding Me With This Heat?

Okay, take it from a guy who's been there. When your new roommate wants to go to the Statue of Liberty on a day when the Watch Tower outside of your window flashes HELL right after it flashes 9:32 am, say ABSOLUTELY GODDAMN NOT in the most polite way you can.

For those of you that do not know me well enough, I sweat. A LOT. It's not kosher. I've actually had to go to Rite Aide to buy a 3 pack of Fruit of the Looms white t-shirts because I sweated through my shirt on the way to the party. I also packed an extra shirt to the 4th of July BBQ I went to this weekend. So guess what happened when I waited in line for the ferry to see Lady Liberty for an hour and a half, in blistering 102 degree heat, packed in with around 1000 other people? And yes, I see the assholery in bitching about standing in line for a couple hours to crowd into a boat to go to Ellis Island.

So yeah, you could have solved water crises in at least two 3rd world countries by ringing out my shirt. I was actually praying that the terrorists would bomb Liberty Island and spare me the slow and painful death of sweating to death. It was a minor miracle that I lived to tell this tale.

Well at least its supposed to cool down tomorrow...



Oh wait, what's that? New record highs?

That Sure Was Cheeky Wasn't It? (give me the one that kills me)

Gyan you BLEW IT!!! Hope you still come over for Sunday dinner though.


Well first of all that was BOOTY that the Uragay defender stopped the goal at the end with his hand. Ref shoulda just awarded the goal and the Ghana-ria chant could have lived to see another day. Regardless, Asamoah Gyan pulled a Scott Norwood (sharp pain just shot through my body) and shanked the game winner. Then the rest of the Black Stars sucked in PKs and they go home to their goats. Serves them right for the racist team name.

And yes, I spell and pronounce it Uragay. It's way funnier that way.

Yahoo- While the hole in the Earth's protective ozone layer is slowly healing, its recovery might have a downside, scientists say: Climate change could change wind patterns and send ozone from high in the atmosphere down to the surface, where it is a major component of smog.... As more and more ozone is replenished in the stratosphere it will also have more opportunities to seep into the air we breathe.


Well that certainly backfired on all you tree-huggers, didn't it?. Raise your hand if you saw that one coming. Oh I'm the only with my hand up? WHY AM I SHOCKED? Think I set hippies on fire because they annoy the fuck out of me with their save the environment bullshit? Nope, just trying to save the human race from being poisoned from ozone.

PS- If I die from the Save the Ozone movement, I'm going to go ape shit nuts on all the dirty dread-locked tie-dyed potheads in Hell. I'm looking at you Al Gore.

What's the Deal with These Stupid Ass Vests

Just another thing about soccer that I don't get. Why do the bench players have to wear vests like they are crossing gaurds? Did they collect tickets before the game? Are they making fun of the players that aren't good enough to start? Because that shit would be hillarious. Or maybe they are the stab proof vests they are selling outside the stadium? I clearly don't get this soccer thing at all. I can't wait for the World Cup to be over so that all you people who are more "cultured" than I am can just go away.