How do I get a Shift as a Doorman?

Okay so recently the doormen in New York City went on strike. Now for most peasants out of school this wouldn't be a big issue, but us yuppies here at Is My Meat Done Yet live the good life and have serveral doormen, a pool, a gym, a World Class view, a solarium and a roof deck, so suck on that (We also live in the FiDi, so rent is cheap as fuck and there's never anything to do). Praise Jesus that we live in a rental building where the landlord is obligated to provide us doormen, because I honestly don't know what I would do without someone to smile at me as I walk into my building. I'm not sure I would be able to go on living.

I actually had no problems with the doormen striking for a while there. I like to think of myslef as a blue collar kid and anytime the working man feels like they are getting screwed over by the man, I feel like I have to get their back. Plus, my boys Eddie and Johnny are A rate doormen and B rate pool players. They always smile and say what's up, and haven't fucked up a package yet. So if they say they aren't getting their fair share I was 100% behind them.

That is until our roommate SA brought up that she thought we under tipped our doormen at Christmas time. The four of us each pitched in $50 and got a nice holiday card and wrote a small note saying how much we appreciate their work. $200 seemed like a pretty generous tip in my book. My logic was that there about 50 floors each with about 25 people on each. Now if each of these 1250 people tipped $50 at the end of the year each of the 15 employees would walk out with a fat $4200 bonus.

However, according to the deep pocket fucks over at CNN, we are a bunch of money tight Shylocks. SA looked up suggested tips and she found this chart on CNN's website



This chart says that we should have tipped $750 at the end of the year. Think about this for 2 seconds. There are 50 floors of 15 apartments in our building, and if each had to tip $750 each doorman is walkin out with a bonus of $37,500.

If that is true, there is NO FUCKING WAY I'm siding with the doormen on this one. $37,500 are you kidding me! I am on record as saying I would do many horrible/gay things for much less money. So I say they should get there picketting asses back to holding doors before I can finish filling out an application for their jobs.