Who is This Girl in the Middle?

This Capital One commercial with the vikings spending the day at the beach has been on air for a while now. Now don't get me started on why Capital One chose vikings to sell credit cards because it literally makes no sense, but MUCH more importantly, who is this girl in the middle here? I like to consider myself very good at the internet, but I've been searching for weeks to find out who she is and have come up completely empty handed. Seriously, anyone who looks this good in a one piece needs to marry me immeadiately.

10 things that I learned From Watching the Hills

Pattyshack and I took the day off from work today after going to the NFL Draft last night (More to come with that later). And to his good fortune, there was a The Hills Marathon on MTV all day. In case you have been living on another planet and are completely unaware, Patty seriously eats this shit up. The Kid's life goal is to meet Audrina. Regardless, I was subjected to several hours of Lauren Conrad (who I am now in love with), Heidi, Spencer and the rest of the Hills crew, and to be honest it was an educational experience. These are the 10 things that I learned over the past few hours

1. Heidi loves cutting class. It's something she loves. Priceless quote. Instantly added it to the vernacular. You can change out cutting class for just about anything and it still works like money. I love happy hour. It's something I love. Genius.

2. Love is not a maybe thing. You either love someone or you don't. There is no middle gorund. Heidi didn't love the first tool she dated (sorry can't remember his name), so she dumped him. No worries Lauren, I am certain I love you.

3. Life in hollywood is SO good. Not really a whole lot to explain here. Plus Lauren said it, so it must be true.

4. The best thing about Jason was you. Truely touching complement from Heidi to Lauren after she broke up with Jason. Just forewarning you ladies, if your boyfriend ever dumps you, I am certaily using this line on you, and yes I am trying to get with you. I am 100% that guy.

5. Some people in LA are coo coo. Spencer actually did the whistling noise + pointing at his head and spinning his finger around + rolling his eyes thing. Just seemed like a good thing to know if I ever make it to the City of Angels.

6. You cant come to my birthday party! This is a truely effective way to get a girl pissed at you. just tell them they aren't invited to your birthday party and they go fucking nuts. Worked in kindergarten, guess it still applies in the real world.

7. Spencer is the ultimate cheese. It's true. The dude sucks.

8. If you get corny on me, I'll beat you up Why Lauren and I will get along so well when I kidnap her. If people get corny on me I beat them up, it's just a law that I live by.

9. Do you think you can just call somebody a tool in LA?!? Only if you do it to Spencer.

10. You don't chose who you love. It's true, I didn't chose to fall in love with Lauren. Hell, I didn't even chose to watch The Hills all day. Seemed kinda fruity to me. But some things are just destiny. This is one of those things.

How do I get a Shift as a Doorman?

Okay so recently the doormen in New York City went on strike. Now for most peasants out of school this wouldn't be a big issue, but us yuppies here at Is My Meat Done Yet live the good life and have serveral doormen, a pool, a gym, a World Class view, a solarium and a roof deck, so suck on that (We also live in the FiDi, so rent is cheap as fuck and there's never anything to do). Praise Jesus that we live in a rental building where the landlord is obligated to provide us doormen, because I honestly don't know what I would do without someone to smile at me as I walk into my building. I'm not sure I would be able to go on living.

I actually had no problems with the doormen striking for a while there. I like to think of myslef as a blue collar kid and anytime the working man feels like they are getting screwed over by the man, I feel like I have to get their back. Plus, my boys Eddie and Johnny are A rate doormen and B rate pool players. They always smile and say what's up, and haven't fucked up a package yet. So if they say they aren't getting their fair share I was 100% behind them.

That is until our roommate SA brought up that she thought we under tipped our doormen at Christmas time. The four of us each pitched in $50 and got a nice holiday card and wrote a small note saying how much we appreciate their work. $200 seemed like a pretty generous tip in my book. My logic was that there about 50 floors each with about 25 people on each. Now if each of these 1250 people tipped $50 at the end of the year each of the 15 employees would walk out with a fat $4200 bonus.

However, according to the deep pocket fucks over at CNN, we are a bunch of money tight Shylocks. SA looked up suggested tips and she found this chart on CNN's website



This chart says that we should have tipped $750 at the end of the year. Think about this for 2 seconds. There are 50 floors of 15 apartments in our building, and if each had to tip $750 each doorman is walkin out with a bonus of $37,500.

If that is true, there is NO FUCKING WAY I'm siding with the doormen on this one. $37,500 are you kidding me! I am on record as saying I would do many horrible/gay things for much less money. So I say they should get there picketting asses back to holding doors before I can finish filling out an application for their jobs.

Bostonian's Are DIRTY DIRTY People

Full swings with a hockey stick to the knee? Elbows to the face? Holding player's faces into the ice? Fighting players while having a cage helmet on? You are playing a Boston Team in the playoffs... these are dirty dirty people. Don't you know that?

KG got the game suspension that he deserved, it wasn't even THAT bad of an elbow. But I've come to realize that Buffalo teams will never catch any breaks, so it comes as no surprise at all that while Vanek is not only doubtful for Game 3 (and possibly the rest of the playoffs if it was his ACL that went) that Boychuk get off scott free. Well at least the Sports God's were gracious this time around. Usually, they build up our hopes only miss a field goal wide right, have a foot in the crease, forward lateral or something of the sort. Having our star forward blow out his ACL in Game 2 of the first round doesn't seem so bad in comparison.

Well That Explains It

Gotta hand it to Chan Ho here, can't argue with the "I had a lot of diarrhea" excuse. For a while there I was using "This isn't the Jetsons" as my got to if I needed an excuse like.. Why was I late to work? There aren't flying cars, this isn't the Jetsons. Why aren't the dishes washed yet? We don't have a Robot named Rosie, this isn't the Jetsons... but I actually think I might switch over to the "I had a lot of diarrhea." It's a more dynamic excuse, plus you don't have to think of some witty pretense to the line. Just drop the "I had a lot of Diarrhea" and no one is going to ask a follow up, because no one wants to hear about you having the liquid shits. It's ingenious.


PS- Hyun Seung, lookin good out there. Missya brotha.

R.I.P.

For those of you who don't know, I practically live on Burger King's Dollar Menu and a 20 lb bag of Jasmine Rice. Paying rent is the worst and we both know I'm not cutting a dime from my drinking budget, so I gotta cut some corners somewhere you know? Well, I'm getting back from subbing in for a softball game last night, and I feel like I haven't had anything to eat for about 2 months. Pretty certain I looked like one of those African kids in those sponsor a child commercials. So I swing by the BK over on Fulton in pursuit of the delectable, palatable, delicious and affordable Dollar Double Cheeseburgers only to find that it has been marked up to $1.39.

I know what you are thinking, "It's only 39 cents, whats the big deal?" Well sure, it's only .39 more, but do you know how many Dollar Doubles I eat a week? Enough that it is a legit concern of mine that I'll have a heart attack before I'm 30. And that 39 cents multiplied out over an entire years worth of Double Cheesebergers? Might be enough to bail out Greece. Yeah, my BK habit is that bad. Been pulling for some sort of patch or gum to come out, but only half-heartedly because I really don't want to stop.

And yeah BK put something called the "Buck Double" on the dollar menu (which is essentially the same exact thing with one slice of cheese instead of two), but I settled for two of those last night and it's just not the same. The ratio of bread to meat to cheese is all wrong and I just didn't enjoy it. Plus WTF BK? Is the fake cheese really running you 39 cents per slice? If that's true than 78 cents of the Dollar Double was cheese related costs, leaving meat and bread at a mere 22 cents per sandwhich. Sorry, I'm not buying it and I'm not buying it. I swear, if they start jacking up the Spicy Chicken, Small Fries and the Icee Float I will stab someone in the neck with a knife!

I Don't Want to Tell You I Told You So, So I'll Yell it at You Through Cupped Hands...

...I TOLD YOU SOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Looks like that little shimmy while he was dominating Whitney Houston didn't come out of nowhere after all. Kid has an arsenal of dance moves. If I could pull off even one of these moves, I'd have to beat pussy off with a stick. Like I said, if this kid doesn't become an international star than there is no God. There would just be no other explanation, plain and simple.

Brandon Marshall to the Dolphins

F MY LIFE. Seriously, will the Bills win 1 game this year? I just don't see it happening. No Offensive Line. No QB. No Receiver opposite Lee Evans. No Tight Ends. First year running the 3-4. And every team in the AFC East is stockpiling talent except for Buffalo.

Woulda blogged more these last couple days but I've been busy setting picks for Pattyshack's company basketball team, and flying out to left subbing for a softball team. Priorities, priorities.

What, Saddam wasn't available??

If you even CONSIDERED watching this or didn't know about it and are now interested, we're through forever. I never want to speak to you again.

In all honesty, I would rather stab myself in both eyeballs with a needle full of poison than sit through this fucking program and watch these two blowhards talk about god knows what. I truly can not think of two people in the entire Milky Way Galaxy that I would not want to listen to more. Give me 24 hours of Dickie V and Joe Buck before these jagaloons.

On a related note, I could not be more happy that the Sox-Yanks series is over. No, not because we only one the first game (side note: remember that time last season we won the first 8 or whatever games against the evil empire and the season series ended up tied? I bet Yankees fans would if we had swept this series). Really, it's because I cannot listen to Michael Kay for another fucking second. My god I never knew how lucky I was with RemDawg and Remy. These YES assholes are really too much. Michael Kay still thinks LeBron has someone read his texts for him. Hey dickwad, my friend showed me something on an iPhone the other day too.

New Yorkers are gonna want to make a huge deal of their two wins but really let's not forget these are the first 3 games of the year. Although Marco--remember that time we signed you for your defense and your defense only? Try to act like a professional and make a clean throw next time, k?

PS--Papi had a hit AND an RBI. Everyone relax now.

Chubby Taiwanese Kid is the Songbid of Our Generation

Yeah, I know this was on barstool earlier, but HOLY SHIT this kid's voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus! I must have questioned at least 78 times throughout the entire performance whether this little fucker was actually singing or if they were just playing Whitney in the background. PLUS, Chubby-Bowlcut-Asian-Boy has got stage presence for days! When he did that little shimmy at the 2:19 mark, I nearly lost my shit. If this kid isn't on a World Tour dippin' his d in every country by the end of the year, there is no God. Period.

This Was Impressive

Yeah, I guess that was alright. Although if this were wiffle ball and I were pitching, I would never need to make a play like this. No way the dude gets even close to touching my knuckle curve.

Brett Favre's Kid Had a Kid

MINNEAPOLIS - The Minnesota Vikings may have finally found their quarterback of the future: Brett Favre is now a grandfather.

His 21-year-old daughter, Brittany, has given birth to a boy -- Parker Brett. The baby weighs in at 7 pounds, 7 ounces.

Grandpa Brett says on his website that he and wife Deanna are "very proud" to welcome their first grandchild.


Maybe, at 40 years old, Favre should have been a touch less worried about protection schemes like slide steps, chip blocks and kick outs and a hair more so with jimmy caps, the pill or my favorite, pulling out and B'ing your L on some Ts. Now if Favre returns for another season with the Vikings he will not only be a the oldest starting Quarterback in the NFL, he will be the oldest starting Quarterback in the NFL with a bastard grandson.

Also, if I'm Favre, there is no way in Hell I'm retiring now. The last thing that I'd want to do after I retired would be to be around someone else's newborn kid 24/7. Those things are cute for about 4.7 minutes before the whole constant crying thing gets old. If I had to pick between the grandson and getting hit by 6'5" 300+ lb defensive tackle, I choose D Tackle 7 days a week, thrice on Sundays.

Also also, yeah Brittany Favre is a smokeshow

HOW DID THAT NOT GO IN???

That would have been, if not the most memorable shot in NCAA Basketball history, certainly in the top 3. It was the perfect situation with the underdog Butler playing at home in Indy against the hated Duke Blue Devil's. And the Baby Faced Assassin banking home a three from half court? I can't even say it would have been a Hollywood ending, because if that would have been a movie, and that was the ending, NOBODY would have believed it. So I guess Duke is the Champion. I think Pattyshack summed it up pretty well, FUCK THAT SHIT.

U Berkley Invents Mind-Reading Machine

So scientists at U Berkley are Using MRI Machines to produce pictures, and one day hope to decipher thoughts, that are taken directly from your brain. Apparently they can already do this with 90% accuracy. What this article isn't telling you is that they tested all guys in the study and that the machine displays this image everytime.

BecKKKKKKKKett in Beantown till 2014. Thank you sir may I have another.

BOSTON -- Injury can alter the best-laid plans, but the Red Sox have gone a long way toward cementing their starting rotation for the foreseeable future after signing Josh Beckett to a four-year contract extension worth $68 million.

"When you have that pitching, you don't want to let it go away,'' Epstein said. "It's hard to acquire in free agency, it's hard to acquire in trade, and it's hard to draft and develop this kind of starting pitching. Knowing that we have Josh and Jon Lester and John Lackey and Clay Buchholz all signed through 2014 means … There's no guarantee in baseball, but it should mean we have outstanding starting pitching for that period.''

Beckett did not insist on a fifth year in negotiations with the Red Sox. "A lot of people look at what you could lose or what you lost,'' he said. "I look at four years of more stability. The season gets long when you're losing 90 games. ... I know we have a chance to win here every year. I look at it more as what I gained than what I potentially lost.''

Lock it up kid. Beckett, Lester, Lackey and Buchholz through 2014? Ummm where do I sign? Plus you know Wake will still pumping out the ol' knuckler, and we'll finally be rid of that good for nothing wretch Dice-K (can anyone confirm that? Wait what? No one reads this besides you Sean?). Theo, there is such thing as a guarantee in baseball. It's called good fucking pitching and we have it for 5 years.

Anyway, color me excited about the next 5 seasons. I don't care what kind of lineup you trot out there, with a core like that you're gonna win some fuckin baseball games. Shit throw me out there every 5th day and I'm pretty sure the Sox still win the wild card 9 times out of 10. Couple all this with the fact that Pedroia and Youk won't be going anywhere if Theo has his head screwed on even partially right, and I'm pretty sure bright skies are ahead. Plus I'm going to be the GM sooner or later if my fantasy career keeps progressing at the pace it has been for the past 5 years ish, soooooo I think I can safely tell you that the Red Sox are in good hands in the foreseeable future.

You gotta love Beckett here. No bullshit with this guy. Oh AJ Burnett signed a 5 year deal? Well guess what I'm a million times better than that guy so let's not even consider him. Dude is just a winner, plain and simple. Would rather take a year less guaranteed money than have to wallow somewhere like Houston or Toronto where you're going to lose around 7000 games a year. That's the difference between people like AJ Burnett (shitty players taking advantage of a ridiculous market) and Josh Beckett (gamers who think the money is nice but really just wanna go out and throw some balls fast).

fuck duke

Seriously no one likes you guys. No one. I swear to god if Duke wins the year after the Yankees win the world series I will officially believe the Mayans and the Greeks and the Aztecs and Al Gore's global warming crew and anyone else who says that the world is soon ENDING. Please baby faced assassin please win this game for me. Otherwise, just give me the one that kills me already.

Mock Draft Part 3

Alright kids, we've got some adjusting to do with the first 10 picks of the draft before we tackle picks 11 through 15. Clearly after acquiring McNabb and already having incumbent Jason Campbell and once upon a time starting quarterback in the superbowl Rex Grossman (yes, that still really happened) on the roster there is no reason for the Skins to draft Clausen with the fourth pick. This opens a few options for Washington here. Chris Samuels retired leaving a gaping hole at left tackle that really needs to be addressed. The obvious pick here is Russell Okung, that is, if Washington doesn't trade this pick. After giving up this year's 2nd round pick in the McNabb trade and using their third round pick to draft Jeremy Jarmon in last year's supplemental draft, the Redskins don't pick again until pick 103. With so many holes that need to be addressed including an aging linebacker and secondary corps it is certainly not out of the question that the Redskins shop this pick to a team looking to draft Jimmy Clausen. And speaking of Clausen, the likely destinations for him if the draft order remains the same is either Cleveland or Buffalo.

Good now that we settled that, back to the mocking...

11. Denver Broncos (from Chicago)- Ronaldo McClain LB, Alabama

Josh McDaniels and his staff made fortifying the Defensive line the priority this offseason in acquiring Javis Green, Jamal Williams and Justin Banaan. It seems logical to eliminate Derrick Morgan, Dan Williams and Jason Pierre-Paul, the three D-line prospects that figure to go off the board in the next 10 picks. Brining in Brady Quinn to compete with Kyle Orton who fell off towards the end of the season, also rules out any type of reaching for a QB here. Drafting the play-making Ronaldo McClain here would fill a void as the Broncos cut Andra Davis in the offseason, allowing him to walk in and start on Day 1.

12. Miami Dolphins- Jason Pierre-Paul DE/OLB, South Florida

I would really love to give the Dolphins Dez Bryant here as the combination of Ted Ginn Jr. and Devone Bess really isn't scaring anyone, but Bill Parcells teams rarely put much emphasis on any type of vertical game. However, Parcells does have a history of drafting pass rushing linebackers in the first round. Granted, the Dolphins did sign Karlos Dansby to upgrade over Joey Porter this offseason, so perhaps linebacker will be less of a priority in the first round. Then again, the Dolphins did part ways with Jason Taylor, leaving a need that the absurdly athletic Pierre-Paul could fill. Plus it would give me another reason to root against the Dolphins if they draft a player with a French sounding last name.


13. San Francisco- Derrick Morgan DE, Georgia Tech

The 49ers' biggest need is clearly offensive tackle, but with the top 4 tackle prospects off the board, the Niners can afford to wait to use their second #1 pick to fill the need. Other positions that the 49ers could afford to address here are corner back, quarterback and defensive line. This year's crop of Defensive backs may be the weakest in several years and San Fran already has a ton of money invested in Nate Clemens. Drafting a QB here would be an obvious reach, which leaves the 49ers to draft the best player still left on the board in Derrick Morgan. Morgan is a dynamic pass rusher with a great motor who would complement Justin Smith very well.

14. Seattle Seahawks- C.J. Spiller RB, Clemson

The Seahawks continue to rebuild their once vaunted running game by drafting the most talented running back in the draft. I almost think that I could start at running back for the Seahawks. I mean Julius Jones and Justin Forsett? Really? Pete Carol had a more talented back last year at USC in Joe McKnight. Spiller really brings it all to the table for Seattle. He runs between the tackles well, has breakaway speed, catches the ball out of the back field and can return kicks.

15. New York Giants- Sean Weatherspoon LB, Missouri

Easiest pick in the middle of the first round. The Giants D that shut down the '07 Patriots in the Superbowl completely self destructed down the stretch in '09 allowing 45, 41 and 44 points to the Eagles, Panthers and Vikings respectively. The G-men took a step in the right direction by cutting aging veteran Antonio Pierce and signing Antrel Rolle to become the highest paid saftey in NFL history. Weatherspoon is versatile enough to play multiple positions in Perry Fewell's vanilla defensive scheme.

McNabb Can Go F--- Himself

As you all have heard by now, Chunky Soup Boy finally has his new threads as he was traded to the Washington Redskins for a second round pick in this year's draft and either a third or fourth round pick in 2011. I was actually happy for McNabb, that he got out of that hell hole in Philly, until I heard Sal Paolantonio say on Sports Center...

"Reid and the Eagles consulted McNabb about his feelings before being traded. Translation, McNabb did not want to go to Oakland or Buffalo."

WTF? Seems like if anybody had a house in Buffalo and a home in Hell nowadays, they'd sell their house and go home. I didn't really care for the whole McNabb to the Bills scenario, as it would have meant the Bills renting another aging player for one year until he left town and found some place else. But that doesn't matter to me now, Donovan McNabb can go Pfist himself. Dude, you went to school in Syracuse. Bills fans would have LOVED you. Think Philly fans, but the exact opposite.

On the bright side, this means that Jimmy Clausen will not be selected by the Redskins with the fourth pick overall, meaning that there is a much better chance that he falls to the Bills with the ninth pick in next month's draft. And as I said before, I think Clausen is going be a star in the NFL. So good for the Bills, and McNabb, I hope you eat shit and die with all hipsters in DC.

Sox are the best team in all the land. Obvi, bro.

So tonight just confirmed what anyone with half a brain already knew. The Sox are the best team in baseball. And they are going to be a fucking force to be reckoned with this year.

Oh what's that? Without Jason Bay and Papi's steroids and Manny and Nomar and Babe Ruth we'll have no way to produce runs? I'm sorry, I guess you haven't met the starting right half of the 2010 AL All-Stars yet, Senor's Kevin Youkilis and Dustin Pedroia. Suck on this: oh they were just a combined 5-8, with 5 RBIs and 5 runs. Yeah no big deal I guess. I'm sure that wasn't nearly as good as Arod and Teixeira, right? I beg your pardon? They were only a combined 1-9 with 2 runs? And they made more tonight together than I will for the next 15-20 years of my life? Oh okay cool just checking.

So maybe Beckett didn't look fantastic, but that's basically to be expected for most pitchers this time of year. Kid's a gamer and that's all there is to it. I'm not worried. Not like Carston Charles looked all that great when all was said and done either. Although it is possible that he ate a small village in Africa for his offseason workout this season. My god dude you're a professional athlete, maybe try to look the part?

Regardless of the outcome tonight (though I'm approximately 50000% happier with this than the alternative), it's fucking great to have baseball back. With the Masters coming up and baseball really kicking off tomorrow, summer is just around the corner. Amen brother. Now does anyone have a girlfriend I can borrow?

PS--welcome to the team, Dre. Could've sworn you were from LA (Los Angeles, not Laconia--common mixup, don't worry), but we're happy to have you.

PPS--LeBron, you can just get off the premises. We're not courting you (see what I did there?) for next year, so you can beat it.