Yeah I know...

...No one cares about Jesse James cheating on Sandra Bullock, not even a little bit. Mostly because Sandra Bullock was never all that good looking, neither is that tattooed freak he cheated on her with, and Jesse James is apparently a Nazi. Thus, I've choosen to ignore the entire situation all together. Well that was until I came across this...

…tattoo artist Eric McDougall and receptionist Skittles Valentine, confess to having a freaky foursome with Jesse James and Michelle “Bombshell” McGee last June - and Skittles had intercourse with Jesse without a condom. (ed note: blah blah blah and it goes on, click here if you want to read the actual story)

Is it too late to change my blogging name? Because Skittles Valentine may be the best name in the history of names. I don't even care if it's made up or not, it beats Special Ed by a gazillion. There HAS to be a form or something I can fill out to make this happen. I need the name Skittles Valentine like Lindsay Lohan needs to just die already.

I'm a Changed Man

Who saw this coming? Usually my ears bleed when Katy Perry's music comes on and I want to gouge my eyes out when I see pictures of her, but somehow she seems better here. Must be her true personality coming out or something. Yeah that's it... her enormous personality.

Denard Span Hit His Mom

TAMPA, Fla. -- Twins outfielder Denard Span struck his mother, Wanda Wilson, in the chest with a foul ball while batting in the first inning on Wednesday at George M. Steinbrenner Field.

Span was leading off the game against the Yankees' Phil Hughes when he fouled a 3-2 pitch directly to the left of the visitors' third-base dugout, where a group of his family members were settling in for the game.

The ball struck his mother, who was sitting three rows from the field and wearing a Twins jersey with Span's name on it, with a thud that was audible to the players on the Minnesota bench. Span immediately dashed into the seating bowl, consoling her as help arrived.



What a Dick! Seriously! He even finished his at bat! What, did she not love you enough growing up? Didn't get you a Play Station 3 for Christmas or something? This is the woman who birthed you! Look, everyone who knows me knows that I'm a huge Momma's boy, so I hope you get banished to the ninth circle of Hell, Denard Span!

Heads are About to Roll

Whoever turned Taylor Swift, the Love of my Life, into some dirty looking tramp better stand up and take credit for it RIGHT NOW. I'll turnover every stone and start stabbing everyone in the neck with a knife until I find the sick sonofabitch who convinced her to cake on the eye shadow and go with the bangs and after sex hair for her cover of Elle magazine. I've already lost sleep over this last night, and vow not to rest until this innocence taker is punished.

BTW Taylor, not to ever suggest that you're not perfect in every single way, but would it kill you to maybe do some squat thrusts or maybe just have a couple double cheesebergers now and then? I'm afraid that when the angels finally do bring us together and sing harmonous melodies as we make love, that I will break every bone in your body.

James Franco is no Charles Dickens

So other than diverting the ladies' attention from me in Butler Library, James Franco is good for playing potheads, being in soap operas, hosting SNL and cameo-ing in 30 Rock. What James Franco is not good for is writing.

Unfortunately, that is precisely what he studied at Columbia and is enrolled to receive a PhD in at Yale. This means he has been given the authority to produce such crap like This Short Story in Esquire. And if you dont want to read the entire thing here are a few excerpts


My window is cracked, just a bit, and the air plays on my forehead like a cold whisper.


Joe and I sit and stare at the wall of the building. The building is beige, but the shadows make it shadow-color


Joe smokes. His window is all the way down, and he breathes his smoke out the black gaping gap.


I kid you not. And if this were not insufferable enough, he is scheduled to release an entire volume of short stories entitled Palo Alto this fall that will undoubtably make every girl my age that much more dumb. James! You are young, rich and famous. Stick to banging girls who are out of my league and leave the shitty writing to me.

NFL Mock Draft Part II

Alright, buckle up, I've got the next five picks in my mock draft comin' at you. And if they aren't 100% exactly what happens in next months draft, I'll give you a complete refund on your money. But, believe it or not, it is WAAAY more difficult to do this type of mocking than the usual mocking of people who are far more talented than I'll ever be. These legit articles take research and insight. So you better enjoy the shit out of this, because unless I somehow develop a work ethic, these type of things might be few and far between. Anyway, on with the fake drafting...


6. Bryan Bulaga OT, Iowa

So I went to my resident Seahawks exepert, Saint Sam, to get a glimpse at what he expects for this pick. I believe the exact words he used were "I've accepted that it's not going to be someone sexy." Well it doesn't come any less sexy than an offensive tackle from Iowa. Whatever, dude probably still gets with more babes than I ever have or will. But Seattle gets a monster run blocker here with great footwork and work ethic to replace the legend Walter Jones, who retired this offseason.


7. Cleveland Browns- Eric Berry S, Tennessee

Mike Holmgren realized that it is very unlikely that either Sam Bradfor or Jimmy Clausen falls to number 7 in the draft, and signed both Seneca Wallace and Jake Delhomme to replace Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn who he sent shipping. While it certainly is not a long term fix by any stretch of the imagination, it does free up the Browns to select Eric Berry here. Berry may be the most talented player in the entire draft, and would sure up a very shaky secondary.


8. Bruce Campbell OT, Maryland

Al Davis only drafts based on how absurd of an athlete a prospect is, not on how good of a football player he is. With Berry off of the board there are three athletic freaks left in the draft: Taylor Mays, Jason Pierre-Paul and Bruce Campbell. The Raiders franchised Richard Seymore and traded for Kamerion Wimbley, which rules out Pierre-Paul. I'd like to believe that Mays would have been drafted in the first round by the Raiders last year if he had declared, and is a distinct possibility to be picked here. However, Oakland drafted Michael Mitchell in the second round last year, and already have Michael Huff and Tyvon Branch at the Safety position.

This leaves Bruce Campbell who at 6'7", 310 lbs, ran a 4.85 40 yard dash at the combine and also benched 34 reps of 225 pounds. None of which translates to film. Ungodly athletic and not a very good football player? Sounds about right here.


9. Buffalo Bills- Trent Williams OT, Oklahoma

Ah, on to my beloved Buffalo Bills. This may be the most difficult pick in the draft to call, as the Bills have more holes than my gym socks I've had since 8th grade. Additionally, they hired a new GM in Buddy Know and coach in Chan Gailey, after fishing for a big name coach in the offseason and subsequently being turned down like me asking girls to the prom. The Bills have yet to make a splash to lure their fans back in for another year of torture, which could mean the Bills drafting a sexy name like Dez Bryant or, God forbid, Tim Tebow. However, with the Bills switching to the 3-4 Defense, their refusal to draft a replacement for Jason Peters in last years draft and their starting Right Tackle retiring at the age of 26 to pursue a career in politics, there are much bigger holes to fill. It is more likely that the Bills will save going out on a limb until the second round.

I loved the pick up of Dwan Edwards this offseason, and paired with Kyle Williams the Bills will be able to put off drafting a nose tackle here and most likely draft a Left Tackle. With Okung, Bulaga and Campbell off the board, the Bills will turn to Trent Williams. Solid prospect at tackle who will undoubtably be a huge upgrade over Karl Malone's illegitimate son, and current starter, Demetrius Bell. Williams will also be the third Sooner to come off the board in the first nine picks, soooo... good for them.


10. Jacksonville Jaguars- Joe Haden CB, Florida

Since the days of Jimmy Smith and Keenan McCardell there has been a gaping hole at the Wide Receiver position. Dez Bryant obviously would fill this hole and then some. But, there is depth in this year's class of Wideouts, so it is likely that the Jags will wait until at least the second round to address the need. Plus, Jacksonville's major competition in the AFC South, the Indianapolis Colts, will be featuring a receiving corps featuring Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark, Anthony Gonzalez, Austin Collie and Pierre Garcon this season. Sorry, Rashean Mathis and Tyron Brackenridge are not going to cut it. Joe Haden is by far the best cornerback in this draft and will walk in and start immediately.

This commercial really puts the MAD in March Madness

So as I'm sure all you loyal readers have noticed, I been outta the blogging game for a little while now. Can't catch a fuckin break these days. Got the boss breathin down my neck night in and night out. Well, rest assured folks I am BACK... And I'm not happy (cue the "big surprise" crowd).

Am I seriously the only person that this commercial does not drive insane? If March Madness somehow goes on ONE DAY longer than it's scheduled to, I'm not sure that I'll make it. And that is 120% serious. I mean really Southwest?? Take a chill pill huh?

I'll admit I've pretty much hated this whole "Bags Fly Free" campaign from the start. And full disclosure here, I am a branding professional. Soooo pretty much what I say goes. Yeah, we get it. You guys don't charge for bags. Other airlines do. Hey cool bro.

Why do I hate it, you ask? I don't know. It's just annoying. And it certainly doesn't help anything that it's on every single fucking commercial break there is. Maybe mix it up a bit? Would producing 2 annoying commercials have killed you? Or better yet, maybe next year, throw a dog a bone and take a cue from my girl here...

Eat Shit KG

Apparently Garnett got up and pounded his chest after he got his shit stuffed like this? How in the world is that possible? If that happened to me I stay in the fetal position until the trainer carries me off the floor. Guess that's why everyone hates KG.

Majoring in Being a Gladiator Isn't as Cool as it Sounds

The Local- The student warriors, who are all studying various disciplines at the university, won’t be eating pizza, hamburgers or steaks during their training. Instead they’ll have berries and white beans on their plates as the ancient Roman doctor Galen recommended in his texts.

They will also learn to fight wearing bronze helmets that weigh almost five kilogrammes at a camp that won’t allow girlfriends, showers, or washing machines.



Obviously when I first read this, I jumped up on my couch and yelled at the top of my lungs that I wanted to go back to school to be a gladiator. Sounded way better than majoring in Operations Research Engineering Mangement Systems. But berries and white beans? No girlfriends allowed? No showering? Uhhh, sorry, unless you let me kill somebody too there is absolutely no way I'm going to take it that serious. It's all or nothing with me. I'm like O-Town when it comes to stuff like this.

Tebow Gave Jim Kelly the Gay

ESPN- Hall of Fame quarterback Jim Kelly kick-started his public campaign to pull his former team back into the NFL fold Sunday night.

It began with Tim Tebow.

Kelly, who has talked up Tebow over the past few months, had dinner with the former Florida Gators quarterback on Sunday night, Kelly's spokeswoman Tricia Cavalier said Monday. It's unclear whether the dinner occurred before or after the 2007 Heisman Trophy winner met with the team.

Kelly has been a vocal supporter of Tebow and has made it little secret he'd like to see the team draft him.



Okay, this unholy union needs to stop RIGHT NOW. It's best for all parties involved, myself included. Jimbo, I know that Tebow is literally the best man that has ever lived, and no one in this world could do better than him. But you have a beautiful wife and daughter. You wouldn't want to jeopardize what you have for a young dreamy QB with "Good character, good leadership ability and good arm strength." Youth and arm strength only lasts so long.

And you, Tim Tebow, I've already told you once that the only way you are going to fail in the NFL is if you get drafted the Bills. And if by chance you do get drafted by Buffalo, I will be forced to support you with everything that I have, and I've just been hurt so many times in the past. I don't know if my little heart could take it. So please, stop messing around with my childhood idol, I'm begging you.



PS- If Tebow does get drafted by the Bills next month and does lead us to a Superbowl win, you would be outside of your mind to think I'm not going to purpose to my wife like this

NFL Mock Draft

There are now 24 days until the draft, which is undoubtedly my favorite day of the entire year. Growing up I wanted to be Mel Kiper Jr. with ever fiber of my body. I did hours of research, charted up every player who was drafted, decided who had the best and worst draft every year, even had my mom buy me a can of hairspray so I could have hair like him one year... and I still wonder why girls don't like me. Regardless, this year's draft is the deepest, most talented draft in years and I thought I'd give you my mock draft of the first round over the next couple days.

1. Saint Louis Rams - Sam Bradford QB, Oklahoma

Bradford more or less locked up being the #1 overall pick in the draft today at his Pro Day workout in Norman. Bradford would have been the concensus #1 pick in last year's draft following his 2008 Heisman campaign, but decided to go back to Oklahoma where he injured his shoulder on his throwing arm not once, but twice. Scouts questioned whether or not the surgeries and rehab were going to affect his throwing motion or release, but Bradford showed no ill effects completing 49 of 50 throws today with a lightning quick over the top release. Bradford also demonstrated that he still has very good pocket mobility and speed even as he has bulked up to 236 lbs.
The Rams have been rumored to have interest in Mike Vick, Donovan McNabb
and Jason Campbell, but their best option is to start from scratch, draft Bradford and let him come off of the bench when Marc Bulger inevitably gets hurt this year.


2. Detroit Lions- Ndamukong Suh DT, Nebraska

Alright, it sounds crazy, but I'm really starting to like the Lions' squad. Detroit has been the laughing stock of the league with only one season with more than 7 wins in the past 10 years, including their winless season two years back. However the Lions have put together a very solid offense headlined by athletic freak Calvin Johnson, Drew Stafford (who showed unbelievable guts last year in that win over the Browns), and Kevin Smith who is a servicable back when healthy. The offensive line has a few holes, but nothing worth drafting with the second pick in the draft.

Their defense on the other hand was horrendous last year. FootballOutsiders.com even ranked them statistically as the worst defense in the league. But Jim Schwartz has been busy this offseason upgrading his defense by trading for Corey Williams and Chris Houston and signing Kyle Vanden Bosch. Adding Suh, who dominated the college game last season, to the mix could actually make this an almost respectable line-up.


3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Gerald McCoy DT, Oklahoma

The Bucs might have more holes to fill than any team in the league, but after Monte Kiffin left as defensive coordinator before last season the once vaunted Bucs defense fell apart. I mean the Bills scored 38 against them last year. Tampa Bay fills their biggest need with Gerald McCoy, who is arguably a safer pick than Ndamukong Suh with Suh's injury history. Eric Berry is also a possibility here, but it might be a stretch to pick a safety this high in the draft.

4. Washington Redskins- Jimmy Clausen QB, Notre Dame

Mike Shanahan brings in a new regime to Washington and will want to install his own guy at QB. Plus Jason Campbell sucks. Jimmy Clausen has been in the Nation's eye for three years now since he stepped in as starting quarterback at Notre Dame. Since then he has spent 3 years in a pro-style west coast offense and has become the most "draft ready" quarterback prospect. He has a cannon for an arm, swagger for days, fits in to Shanahan's offense and will be ready to step in on Day 1. Clausen is going to be a star in the NFL.


Kansas City Chiefs- Russel Okung OT, Oklahoma State

Kansas City could go in a number of directions here. Eric Berry is easily the most talented player on the board at this point, but as Peter King pointed out, Scott Pioli will not draft a safety this high. Ronaldo McClain, Jason Pierre-Paul and Dez White would all fill needs, but also would all be stretches at pick 5. The obvious selection is Russel Okung which would not only allow the Chiefs to move semi-bust Branden Alberts to right tackle or gaurd, but also allow Matt Cassel to throw from his feet every once in a while.

More to come, I promise...

Fuck Duke

If those Duke Pussies win it all I will be FUMING mad. They are lucky as hell that they got put in the South bracket where our intramural squad could have made a run at the Final 4. But as hard as it is to admit, they have to be the favorites to win it now, right? Michigan State and West Virginia are shorthanded due to injury, and Butler gets out White Boyed by Duke.

Great, grunt. Fuck Duke

Everywhere We Go, We End Up in Williamsburg

We were gone for a minute, but now we're back so let us hit it.

So Pattyshack and I have been travelling like Lebron's crab dribble these days. So far we've taken out Atlanta, San Fran, Oakland, Tahoe, and this weekend we visited our Nation's Capitol. And yeah, we've seen some cool shit, some famous buildings, some monuments that look like dicks, but the one thing that has stood out more than me at a Tyler Perry movie is that somebody let the Hipster out of Brooklyn, and that person should be shot because they are EVERYWHERE.

Last night, after drinking enough bl's to kill a small to medium sized Asian family/make me think that I'm a good dancer, we somehow ended up at a house party filled with dudes wearing chick jeans, flannel shirts, chucks, thick plastic rimmed glasses, and moustaches drawn on with sharpies. Seriously wtf??? There is a reason why I only take the subway uptown from Fulton Street and that's because there isn't anything in the world that annoys me more than these emotional, too cool, effeminate guys. Not even herpes.

Facebook is Powerful/Stupid

So I had it all written out that SNL was retarded for picking Betty White to host an episode this season because she's 30 hundred years old and her target audience would either be asleep at 9pm or dead. But apparently I missed the memo that Betty White is the new Chuck Norris? The old bat has half a million fans on the facebook group Betty White to Host SNL (please?)! On a related note, we have 1 follower on this blog.

Now if only we could get Facebook to do something cool like get Kelly Brook to fall in love with me. Or at least to get Zach Galifianakis to host SNL every weekend.

Procrastinate on Us

So we're going to try and get these out every Monday (Yeah I know it's Tuesday night, give me a break I'm new at this) so that you fools have something to keep you busy at work.



In and Out Burger can't compete with BK's double cheeseberger... Or their secret menu

My high school religion teacher and lunch lady dancing to Man in the Mirror... must watch

Appropriate Staring

I don't understand why any of these ads got banned, but then again I also don't understand the difference between 'affect' and 'effect'

LiLo suing E*Trade for $100,000,000...Plans to make biggest blow purchase in history

Better stuff than I could engineer, without the $160,000 degree

NSFW if you can't look at an elephant humping a rhino... thanks to Johnny

This video might ruin movies/televison for you forever (from pete)

Nevermind, I'm Watching Tyra Everyday

Tyra keep bringing the heat! You got me eating my words, The View's got nothing on you!!!

My Life as a Bills Fan Keeps Getting More Difficult

Which one of these things is not like the other ones?



So today marked the first day of NFL free sgency, and the AFC East was quick to make moves. The Pats resigned the behemoth of a human being Vince Wilfork to a long-term deal. The Jets traded a fucking CONDITIONAL 2011 draft pick for Antonio Cromartie and thus making their defense inpenetrable. The Dolphins quickly upgraded from Super Douche Joey Porter to Super Good Karlos Dansby. And the Bills signed Wade Smith. Who is Wade Smith you ask? Good fucking question. When I googled him I found one of North Carolina's best known and most acclaimed lawyers for nearly 50 years. Turns out thats not him. Surprise, surprise, while the rest of the AFC East is snatchin up marquee free agents, the Bills are signing back up gaurds from the Chiefs. There's only one way to sum up my feelings on this one...





Cool Bro, Cool.

The Wind Scores Game Winner

I'm sure you all are blown away by the wind here (See what I did there?? hehehe). Well color me unimpressed. That was the easiest goal in the history of soccer. I mean, the goalie just turned and watched the ball bounce into the net. I was one of the worst netminders in the history of Columbia Intramural Soccer, and I stop that shot 1000 out of 1000 times. I hope somebody dragged him out back after the game and Ol' Yellered his ass.

Lady Gaga Doesn't Get Boned

The Mirror- With her array of outrageously raunchy outfits, one could be forgiven for presuming the Lady is Ga-Gagging for it.

But no - apparently the singer says she's taken a vow of celibacy after splitting from her boyfriend. The singer has announced she's single after breaking up with Matthew Williams - a member of her off-thewall creative team Haus of GaGa.

"I'm single. I haven't got time to spend on the road to get to know anyone. Even Lady GaGa can be celibate, you don't have to have sex to be loved."

She went on: "The thing that keeps me warm at night is my sense of self."



Ohhhhhhhhhh, that's why you're celibate..... It's because you're busy on the road.....Right... Got it. It has nothing to do with the fact that no guy in their right mind would fuck you with Patty Shack's cock. Could've fooled me. And who do you think you're fooling with that sense of self bullshit? Look Lady Gaga, no one is buying it. Just admit you can't get laid and that you cry yourself to sleep like the rest of us going through a dry spell.

Lil Wayne Not Going to Jail Yet

New York- Lil Wayne going to jail postponed due to courtroom fire. Lil Wayne’s journey to the prison cell has been postponed once again. We have seen how many times his departure to jail has been put off.

The last time it was due to the fact that he had to undergo a teeth surgery.

But this time the reason was pretty serious.

There was a fire in the court room of Manhattan Criminal Court and several people sustained injuries in the fire including a prisoner.



Wait what? You can delay a jail sentence for tooth surgery? Well that settles it, I'm not getting my wisdom teeth pulled. I was supposed to get those shits yanked a couple years back but never got around to it. And yeah, they occassionally cause a little pain, but you know what would hurt a lot worse? Getting pounded in the pooper by some big ass dude at Riker's, that's what. So if I can delay that for any length of time, you can bet your last dollar I'm going to. And you'd better believe I'd set that damn courtroom on fire too if they tried to throw me away for sitting near a registered gun.

Tim Tebow Has the Biggest Hands

And we all know what they say about guys with big hands... Tebow's hand measured 10 1/8" at the NFL Rookie Combine this weekend, bigger than any other QB there. He also set the record for highest vertical jump ever by a quarterback, ran a 4.70 40, benched a quadrillion pounds, saved three orphans, cured AIDS, braided a little girl's hair, said 10 Our Fathers and 20 Hail Marys. I don't care about his elongated throwing motion or slow release, the only way that this guy is going to fuck up is if he is drafted by the Bills.


Oh, and keep it in your pants NFL Network. We get it. He's a good looking dude, no need to verbally rub one out on air