This May be the Best Day of My Life

TMZ- We're told Ryan and Scarlett are living apart. And we're told it's amicable.
The rep for Ryan and Scarlett tells TMZ, "After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we've decided to end our marriage. We entered our relationship with love and it's with love and kindness we leave it. While privacy isn't expected, it's certainly appreciated."

Okay let's play a little game here. Ready?

Pattyshack : Audrina :: Special Ed : ?

A) Pizza
B) Lying on the couch
C) The Bills
D) Ryan Reynolds

Trick question. Answer is all of the above. But I'm lying on the couch (No longer have the laptop on the lap because I was informed that that'll fry your little swimmers), in a Bills T-Shirt, eating a slice of pizza.... and now I find out Ryan Reynolds is available? I'm pretty sure this is Inception. So thank you Mr. Architect,  December 14th might now be better than my birthday.

New York City is Racist

Click to enlarge

FLICKR- I was astounded by Bill Rankin's map of Chicago's racial and ethnic divides and wanted to see what other cities looked like mapped the same way. To match his map, Red is White, Blue is Black, Green is Asian, Orange is Hispanic, Gray is Other, and each dot is 25 people. Data from Census 2000. Base map © OpenStreetMap, CC-BY-SA

Haha how do you like me know Patty Shack? Red is White, Blue is Black... Yup, and up is down and left is right motherfucker.
 
But so much for New York City being a melting pot, huh? Map looks as segragated as the 1950s. And yeah it says that this is done from the 2000 census, but I'm telling you right now this still holds up in 2010. 96th street on the East side is the border between two different worlds.
 
And the best part is that booze is cheaper in the green/blue areas. The Rite Aide on 96th and 2nd has 18 racks of Bud Light for $12 and 12ers of Natty for 6 bucks. You go 2 blocks south and that same beer will cost you $18.99 plus tax, deposit, your right arm and your first born son. And a handle of Georgie? Fahgettaboutit. Saved myself about 3 theoritical paychecks going up to 104th street to buy the booze for our housewarming.

Tip of the cap to Mr. Right on the story

Gator Eats Electric Eel

Okay, first things first. How the hell is there an electric eel and an alligator together? I looked it up, alligators live in North America and in China. Electric eels live in South America. So I'm alreaedy frazzled by this. Secondly, how the FUCK does an electric eel work? Like, they always tell you not to put the radio next to the bath tub because you can fry your brains out, but here is this fish kinda thing swimming in water and just electricuting the shit outta things. How does that make any gd sense?

Regardless, alligators and crocodiles are bitches. I tried to fight this reptile-fucker in Jamaica but he wasn't having it. Probably just recognized the alpha male when he saw me.

TLDNR

I just looked over the home page and realized that since I got back into the game, I have been writing NOVELS for blog posts. Don't worry, I'm with you. I can't focus long enough to read more than 50 words in a row without there being some sort of picture or video to interupt the mind-numbing dullness of reading. I'll do my best to get my spit-a-gummy-bear-out-your-nose hilarious points across in less words so I don't get the Too Long Did Not Read treatment. My bad.

Oh No!!! There is a New Strain of Bacteria Destroying the Titanic!!!

THE LOOKOUT- Twenty-seven strains of bacteria have formed a destructive blob of icicle-like "rusticles" that are slowly eating the historic wreckage of the RMS Titanic steamship.


Canadian researchers told OurAmazingPlanet that the rusticles may completely destroy the remains of the ship within 15 years. Using DNA technology, the scientists discovered a new strain of bacteria among the rusticles. They named the life-forms Halomonas titanicae.

First the iceberg and now a desctructive blob of bacteria? Can't the Titanic catch a freakin' break!?!

To be straight with you, At first I didn't give two fucks about the Titanic's remains being destroyed. Didn't even give one fuck. I never liked how I could never live up to Jack in the eyes of my middle school girlfriends anyway. But then I read it was suffering from "rusticles" and my entire heart went out to the corpse of the Titanic.

If there is anyone in the world who can relate to being destroyed by rusticles, it's me. I'm pretty sure there are kids born in the Second Bush Administration that have got more action than me in the last 6 months. I passed the point where I could joke about retiring my cock a few months back. Now, we're at the point of comparing my frank and beans to my appendix. Yeah, it's been so long since they've been used that I kinda forgot what they were ever used for. And if they were removed I wouldn't miss a beat. So yeah, I feelya Titanic, we're in the same boat (Hahaha can't IMAGINE why I can't get laid layin' lines like that).

Obama Hasn't Smoked Since March

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama apparently hasn't had a cigarette since March, but the White House stopped short Thursday of declaring that he has officially kicked the habit bedeviling millions of Americans.


"I have not seen or witnessed evidence of any smoking in probably nine months," White House press secretary Robert Gibbs replied when asked at his regular media briefing about Obama's habit.

Just another thing to add to the list of things President Obama hasn't done since being elected. Ba Da Bum Chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Did I Make a Viral Video and No One Told Me About it?

Ummm... Guys? Who's fucking with me? If you are going to launch a viral video of me teaching people how to be an unemployee, the least you could do is give me a heads up. I mean, I have been walking around the streets of New York, wondering why everybody was pointing at me and asking me for my autograph. I just figured people were mistaking me for Jake Gyllenhaal again.

Turns out I'm actually famous on my own. And I gotta hand it to myself here, I really nailed a few huge points about being unemployed. I mean, I'm right, the hours are great. I'm sitting here at 1:33am blogging. Probably won't wake up till at least noon tomorrow. Yeah suck it bitches, and I don't work on Fridays or Monday mornings either.

I wish I had expanded on the dress code a little, such as pants never get dirty so there's no need to waste room in the washing machine and dryer on them. Might be the difference between doing 2 loads of laundry instead of 3. Again, it's all about saving money. Also, if you run out of boxers, turn a pair of your old ones inside out, or wear mesh shorts instead. And shaving is the absolute worst, so I don't think I needed to mention that bit about not being well groomed. Plus, bitches get moist over the scruffy look.

My point about laptops being on your lap and working from your bed or from the couch should be written in the Unemployed Bible. I would say anywhere between 92 and 94 percent of my day is spent on either of those two pieces of furniture with my laptop firmly implanted on my lap. And seriously avoid the leather office chair. I only sit on Pattyshacks chair in his room/my office in case of a true emergency where productivity is required.

The only two criticisms that I would give myself is that it is called funemployment and funemployee. Don't know where my head was on that one. I really dropped the ball and I apologize. And fuck checking that Twitter shit. Pretty sure the only updates I would get would be from Pattyshack telling the world about his ham and cheese sandwhich. Seriously, my Twitter experts tell me that Patty is horrible at Twitter, which I believe is the same thing as saying the kid sucks dick at sucking dick.

Just FYI, that isn't actually me in the video, I'm much better looking than that assclown. But I'm pretty sure that IS my couch.

Tracy Morgan Explains Star Wars

Oooooooooohhh, I get it now. Han was the scruffy little herb-nerder! Why didn't someone go find Luke? If you got a ghost tellin' you not to do it, don't do it homes! Luke was a step ahead! It was all about the love!

But real talk, I watched that HBO stand-up special and that shit was terrible. Possibly, nope definitely the most disappointing hour of my life. Worse than when I found out Santa wasn't real and that there was no magic in this world, just liars and damn liars. I fucking love Tracy Morgan and had a huge humor boner when I was scrolling through the guide and saw he had a comedy special on HBO. On 30 Rock and SNL, Tracy Morgan is not piss your pants funny, he's shit in your pants funny. But Mr. Right and I watched his HBO stand-up and we actually changed the channel about half way through. And we were already pretty wasted so Tracy had home field advantage and everything. We were completely the white guys in the audience going 'What's going on," but I'm telling you right now Tracy Morgan, it hurt me way more than it hurt you.

Urban Meyer Steps Down From Florida...

... No coincidence that the Denver Broncos head coaching job is open, right? You know, the team that drafted Saint Tim Tebow in the first round last year? Yeah there could be absolutely no correlation between these two events.

There is no harder fact than that Meyer has the gay for Tebow. If I had been blogging at this time last year, when he decided to step down because of a "heart condition," I would have made the joke that it was heartbreak from his lover Tebow going to the pros. I had completely conviced myself that he was stepping down from Florida last year to coach the Bills, and that he was going to ruin the next decade of my life by using our first round pick to select Tebow. Luckily, 24 hours later Meyer reconsidered and Pattyshack talked me back off of the ledge.

Regardless, Meyer better be dead serious about walking away from Florida this time around. I mean we are finally getting rid of Brett Farve's waffling ass. Sports fans DO NOT need anyone to fill that 'I'm retiring, I'm coming back' void. Although, a Meyer-Tebow sexting scandal would be pretty hilarious, well at least at first.

They Need to Make a Safety Poster for This

Haha love metal shop kids. And I'm not talking about the Ivy League Mechanical Engineers I went to school with, who knew how to fix transfunctions and shit. I'm talking about the kids in high school who would put vodka in their orange juice bottles they carried around with them in school and would bet each other $50 on a game of rock paper scissors. I don't have nearly enough complete idiots in my life. No one I know is gonna stick their foot in a laude and get flipped the fuck over. Just never going to happen. The best thing I have going is that Mr. Right sounds like Charlie from Always Sunny when he drinks.

Has Anyone Ever Liked a Column by Rick Reilly?

If you feel like you haven't been pissed off at somebody in a while, and just miss the feeling of unequaled rage, read one of Rick Reilly's columns on espn.com. Reilly has been writting for Sports Illustrated and espn.com for as long as I can remember, but I'm not sure that he knows that he is writting to an audience of almost entirely sports fans. His most recent column outlines how dangerous of a place an NFL stadium is, and makes a few suggestions what not to do when attending a pro football game...

• Don't wear a jersey, ever. In January of this year, two men wearing Philadelphia Eagles jerseys attacked a woman wearing a Tony Romo jersey outside a convenience store in Bethlehem. So much for peace on Earth.

• Don't bring a sign. Last year, at a Patriots-Jets game in New Jersey, Michelle Munoz's 14-year-old daughter held up an "I Love Tom Brady" sign. Munoz was then allegedly kicked, punched and thrown over a row of bleacher seats. And the Jets were ahead.
• Don't sit up high. If you sit up high at an NFL game, more than your nose might bleed. Instead, pay through the nose and sit low, where the generally sober people are. (Exception to this rule: If you or your child is offended by the kind of language that would make a longshoreman blush, don't sit anywhere near Jets head coach Rex Ryan.)
• Don't get within an area code of the Oakland/San Diego game. This rivalry is to the NFL what Jennifer and Angelina are to the E! network. For a time, there were so many brawls at this game that the San Diego police installed a makeshift jail in the bowels of the stadium. Saved time.

And oh yeah, one more thing... he thinks we should get rid of the booze too.

There's an easy answer, of course, but it's the third rail nobody wants to touch: beer.
Without beer, the NFL would dry up and blow away. But how about stopping sales after halftime instead of the third quarter? How about opening up parking lots two hours before the game instead of four? How about telling the networks to stop showcasing single-brain-celled fans like Fireman Ed and Can't Feel My Face Shirtless Buffalo Guy, dolts who give the impression that this game is slightly more important than their next breath?

I take special exception to this, as my father and I had season tickets to the Buffalo Bills in the 300 sections since I was four years old. Going to the games are literally my favorite childhood memories. I remember the 1994 playoff game against the Raiders where it was 0 degrees out with a windchill of -32. My grandfather went to go get me nachos and hot chocolate to stay warm, but by the time he got back up to our seats it was cold chocolate and the nacho cheese was frozen. But it didn't matter because my childhood idol, Jim Kelly, lead the Bills to a late touchdown to beat the then Los Angeles Raiders 29-23.

And yeah, I was exposed to tailgaiting, heavy drinking and every curse word that existed when I was a kid Mostly because I was sitting with the rest of the fans who couldn't afford to sit in the lower seats. But I was also exposed to the best sports fans in the world. Buffalo is a very poor city and we LIVE through our sports teams, well honestly, because we don't have much else going for us. But there is something to be said about being around people who genuinely love something with everything they have. It's easy for me to say that I am a better person for having experienced both the highs and lows, in person.

Sure, I can see where Reilly is coming from in saying that fans should be passionate, but not criminal. I have been on the other side of things too. I  have had a knife pulled on me at a Jets game and told to 'Go home and fuck my goat.' But to condemn fans who wear jerseys, bring signs, sit in the cheap seats, go to rivalry games and hit the booze during games is a wide sweeping generalization. To remove the fans who provide the hostile environments in Oakland, Buffalo, Seattle and Cleveland would be to take away from kids today the memories of banging the metal bleacher seats as loud as you can on third down, showing up to school on Mondays with no voice from yelling the opposing team's quarterback's last name or sitting on their father's shoulders to be able to see his favorite players squeak one out in the fourth.

But I guess what it boils down to is that you can protect your kid, or you can let him play in the dirt and build up his immune system. Sure, every once in a while he will catch a cold from a bad experience. But much more often than not, he will gain memories and experiences that he will stay with him forever. And if you want to go to Reilly's ideal stadium, try going to a Patriots game. Pretty sure they serve tea, crumpettes and tuna tartar at Foxboro.

Okay enough serious talk, back to our regularly scheduled hilarious programming.

Kid Sets World Record for Kicks to the Nuts

The Horse Attempts World Record For Nutshots - Watch more Funny Videos

I guess it's cheaper than buying condoms? I mean 63 kicks to the nuts has gotta take away your ability to reproduce, right? Mrs. Dumbass is not getting any grandkids from this shitforbrains. I'm still on board with thinking this kids had his scrotum fillers removed before the stunt. I took one little ball grazing kick from PrincesSA once and I dropped straight into the fetal position. 63 consecutive kicks with the full amount of testosterone being produced in your body does not seem possible.

Do I Need a Touch of Gray?

Look, ladies love the Silver Fox. Damn, that actually woulda been a pretty solid blogging name. I wish after my blogging birth that my blogging parents would have named me either The Silver Fox or Skittles Valentine. Alas, you can't pick your family and you can't pick your blogging name. But you can pick your nose, just don't eat it. Never understood those dirty fucks that shoved buggers in their mouth. If you're that hungry come on over to my place and I'll throw a pot of rice on for you.

Okay, sorry I popped my Aderall and am ready to start this blog. JSmiles and I have had the talk on multiple occassions that we want to go for the salt and pepper look and die our hair and beard with gray highlights. You know, get that distinguished look. I'll never be able to act mature, so I might as well try and look the part to try and fool people into liking me.

That was until on the way back from McFadden's this week I hop on the subway behind this kid who could not have been older than 20, but had the touch of gray real hard. And to be honest, he couldn't pull it off. Just too much of a baby face to rock the look, which, to be honest, rocked my world.

If I'm not rocking the scruff, I look like I'm 12 years old. Which makes me hesitant as to whether or not I could pull off the Silver Fox look. I mean I don't want there to be an oximoronic age war on my face where my hair is saying I am a man of experience but my face is saying prepubescent teen who has never unhooked a bra. It just wouldn't make any dollars or cents.

So, I'll leave it up to you meatheads... Can I pull off the Silver Fox look? I'm gonna try and remember how to make a poll thing, and if you guys can muster up 25 yes votes by the end of the year, I'll actually go out and brush in some gray highlights in my hair and beard. But I'm trusting you guys here, give it to me honest.

PS- The Silver Fox conversation is entirely JSmile's brainchild. Fortunately for him he looks like he's 37 already and could definitely pull off the look.

Remember When Your Mom Told You She Was Going to Send You on a One Way Trip to the Moon?

NPR- As the nation attempts to go on a debt diet, the cost of federally funded space missions, like the long-awaited manned mission to Mars, is being questioned. But two scientists are recommending a different approach that could change space exploration forever: leaving the astronauts there.

Davies envisions the astronaut who will travel to Mars to be in his or her 60s, with enough life experience and training to willingly take the journey into space. They would live off of a power source of some kind, ideally a nuclear reactor, and take enough medical and food supplies to sustain themselves through the rest of their life.

Let me first say that it would be a bright and colorful day in the life of Pattyshack before I would go on a one way trip to Mars (Get it? Because he's colorblind and because he's the most miserable fuck I've ever met). I am, for the most part a pretty low matainence type of guy. Give me my bag of rice, a white t-shirt and a pair of mesh shorts and I'll make due. That is with the exception that I NEED human contact at all times.

I could not be joking less. Simon and Garfunkel can fucking shove it because I hate the sound of silence. I blast the radio for the three minutes it takes me to get changed when I get out of the shower so that I don't have to be alone. And if you know me well enough, you know that I am a Green Dot on gchat 97% of the time and that the most frustrating thing in my life is that I can only fit 5 convos on the screen at once. Well, maybe a tie between that and trying to shave my back. Yeah, I shave my back. God decided about a year ago that my back was the canvas for an abstract work and 3 inch black hairs were his medium. Yeah, gross.

Back to Mars though... Haha who am I kidding, no one read that back hair joke and didn't find something better to do with their time. And if you kept reading, you're sick in your head. But if you can stomach the thought of the randomly scattered patches of hair on my back, there's a few spots I can't quite reach and I could really use a hand.

This kid is gonna get it

"9-year-old Jets fan envisions Tom Brady bleeding to death on the field Monday night"

Well that pretty much says it all right there folks. Jets fans are dirty, dirty people. Just scum of the earth. Scum raising scum, apparently. And clearly with no art skillz whatsoever. That picture is just a real piece of shit through and through. I really hope his mother was proud of this one. Oh that's right she probably hasn't seen it because she's been whoring herself out at the local mall or down at Karma in Seaside with the whole Jersey Shore crew.

PS karma's a bitch, huh? (Pun intended). This little asshole draws this picture and Jimmy Leonhard breaks his leg. In practice. What a pussy.

PPS - Tom Brady bleeding to death with no legs would still be top-5 good looking dude in the world.

(via Deadspin)

Huffington Post and Wilkes University just bringing the heat

Huffington Post - According to a recent Wilkes University study, 91 percent of students text during class.

Two Wilkes psychology professors, Deborah Tindell and Robert Bohlander, circulated a survey that questioned respondents on their text messaging habits and attitudes toward texting in class among 269 students.

YOU DON'T SAY! Kids text in class? No fucking way dude I don't believe it! This is some really hard-hitting journalism here.

These professors do not live in real life. "Tindell decided to perform the study when she realized how unaware she was of the texting that occurred during her class." Either this article failed to report that she is also legally blind, or she just has shit for brains. Have they not noticed that people in the 18-22 year old demographic literally have their phones in their hands 25 hours a day, 7 days a week? And they're now shocked and awed to find out that 91% of them are texting during class. If you scroll down in the article they also go on to tell you that the sun goes down at night and that most people like music.

There are only three shocking things that you should take away from this article:

1. That Wilkes University paid two professors to find out that their students text in class

2. That the Huffington Post found the survey results to be worthy of publishing

3. (This one from the always-wise words of Special Ed...) "Who the fuck is the one out of ten that's not texting in class?" Amen brother.

On a side note, I was at one point in my life the lucky recipient of a "Wilkes Crew" t-shirt. How this came about I have NO idea. Now don't get me wrong, it was a nice little shirt. But, I do not know anyone that attends or attended Wilkes University. I do not know where the fuck Wilkes University is. The only thing I now know about them is that they commission the most pointless pieces of research of all time. If I'm ever wondering whether people like sun more than rain, I'll be sure to give these guys a call.

Turns out there is actually a perfect woman out there

GQ - "I love a good dick joke. Fart jokes. Poop jokes. They're hilarious. They never get old. But especially not a dick joke."

Well if that quote is not the icing on the cake/cherry on top/another obscure dessert reference, I just don't know what is. I already thought Mila was the second most-perfect woman in the world (behind Rachel Jansen, her character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, duh), but I think this pretty much vaults her up to number one and it's not even close.

I mean dick jokes, fart jokes, poop jokes....umm welcome to 219% of my conversations with Special Ed. Really, ask PrincesSA. Though I'm pretty sure she thinks they do get old. Which is why she is clearly not the most perfect woman in the world, but that's another story for another day. Anyway, if we aren't making jokes about dicks, farts or poop then we most certainly are not talking. She literally could not have made three more perfect choices of the types of jokes she likes.

I don't think I need to spend much time on how perfect her appearance is. I mean look at her. Fully clothed and I'm fully erect. Plus, she has a lip bite to DIE FOR.

Mila, if I had a nickel for every time someone told me back in the day that I looked like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone, I would be richer than Mark Zuckerburg and Bill Gates combined. So I vote you kick his sorry ass to the curb and come check out/christen the new black couch we just got in our apartment. It's plush leather!!

Hey guys looks like you made a mistake here

The Bygone Bureau: The Best New Blogs of 2010: Editors Kevin Nguyen and Nick Martens talk with fellow bloggers about favorite new additions to their RSS readers.

So I obviously didn't read this whole string of nonsense but I most certainly scanned the list and I most certainly noticed one glaring omission. I'll give you a hint I write for it like 15 times/year! (And no it's not my Twitter account I hit that shit up all the time people love to hear my thoughts!!!!!.)

Just to make sure I wasn't overlooking anything I of course did my due diligence with a quick little Apple+F and alas, no mentions of the word 'meat' anywhere on that page. What the fuck is with this? All the names of the blogs they choose are not NEARLY as witty as this one so I'm pretty sure by the transitive property or something like that it means the stuff they write isn't nearly as good. Seems like a pretty logical conclusion. I just don't get it.

On second thought, if those colorful people above are the ones that are choosing this prestigious award, maybe it's for the best we're not on there. Looks like my high school math team up there, I don't want them reading my shit. Just kidding I was on my high school math team so we looked fuckin hot.

Try and Tell Me This Shit Wasn't on Purpose

Husband's Play Punch On Wife Goes Wrong - Watch more Funny Videos

If you have ever lived with a girl, you know for damn certain that this guy fully intended on connecting full force with this haymaker. Oh yeah, Sweetheart! I promise I won't actually hit you! What I'm gonna do is, just wind up and....... BOOM gotcha bitch! Next time don't send me a text message while I'm at church that the toilet seat is up and that we're out of tp.

I'm Now a Tool

Ladies and Meatheads, if you didn't think I was a tool before for writing, you now have my permission to consider me one. I dropped my cell phone in a cup of coffee about 10 days ago, and it became the Hellen Keller of phones (and YES I put it in a bag of rice). I could txt, but the clear button was stuck pressed down so it was a race against the clock to finish typing, and I could make and receive calls, but I couldn't talk into the phone or hear what the other person was saying.

So today, when I needed to return my important business phone calls and couldnt because I had a deaf mute for a phone, I texted Patty Shack where I could find the nearest Verizon store. Once he informed me that it was literally across the street, I walked and caved to the pressure to get a BlackBerry.

I got the Curve, but I'm technology retarded so don't try to BBM, SMS or MMS me or any of that shit, because I still don't know how to Reply All on emails works. Ergo, I obviously don't know how to use a damned BlackBerry. All I know is I'm gonna be breaking bricks till the cows come home and writing emails that say Sent From My Verizon Wireless BlackBerry like all the rest of the people that I hate.

PS- Don't judge me, Patty Shack got Twatter. You can follow him @BenedictPatickArnold.

This is getting fun!!!!!!!!!!!

(Get it? He doesn't have a Yankees hat on!)

ESPN - New York Yankees general manager Brian Cashman said Tuesday that the Yankees have made a "fair and appropriate" contract offer to Derek Jeter and suggested that if the 36-year-old shortstop thinks otherwise, he should shop himself around to find out.

"We understand his contributions to the franchise and our offer has taken them into account," Cashman told ESPNNewYork.com. "We've encouraged him to test the market and see if there's something he would prefer other than this. If he can, fine. That's the way it works."...Two weeks ago, owner Hal Steinbrenner acknowledged that the talks to retain Jeter, who is coming off a 10-year, $189 million contract as well as the worst offensive season of his career, "might get messy."

"As much as we want to keep everybody, we've already made these guys very, very rich, and I don't feel we owe anybody anything monetarily," the Yankees co-chairman said Tuesday. "Some of these players are wealthier than their bosses."

Oh man this is getting a million times more entertaining than I expected! I mean of course these guys weren't going to be on the same page with this whole thing from the start - Jeter's entire value to the Yankees at this point is his legacy there. The Yanks actually made a pretty respectable offer (allegedly 3 years, $45 million...yeah I guess I could go for that to play baseball) that no one else will touch unless another team just wants to piss the Yankees off which I am hoping beyond hope happens. But here are the two sides we have here:

1. Jeter's camp. His agent is posturing with all this "he's given so much to this organization" blah blah blah. But I mean he does make a point. Jeter can't play anywhere else, it would be way too weird. Plus, since he's washed up, this is really the only card he has to play, aside from the whole leadership aspect. Problem is, the Yankees know all this. Which brings us to team numero dos...

2. Hal, Hank and the Cash Man. Why would they offer a 36-year-old defensively-challenged shortstop coming off the worst offensive season of his career a penny more than they have to? As dumb as these guys may look:

...it turns out they're actually pretty smart. They can play the whole "we've been good to you, our dad was good to you, and ohbytheway we just offered you $3mill/year more than anyone else will" story. They obviously don't want this guy on their roster when he's 40+ years old, especially given his downward trending stats. Regardless of his legacy, that makes sense to me.

Basically, Jeter's fucked. He probably won't get more money anywhere else, but he can't go back and look like a pussy by accepting this offer a week from now. As much as it pains me to say it, the Yanks have played this one pretty well. He's ending up in the Bronx. I can say that with 95% certainty. Maybe they'll give in a bit to show the Captain some respect, but they've set a pretty good path from the start and might end up getting him for relatively cheap. Whatever.

Orrrrrrrrr maybe Theo and the Sox will make him some sort of godfather offer that he can't refuse so that he and Boston can really stick it to NY. Although like I just said, that would make no sense. And I don't want to root for his decrepit ass anyway. Ever heard of Marco Scutaro?

But can't I just go to Sturdy Wings?

Popcrunch - A mentally-disturbed man convicted of stalking reality personality Audrina Patridge was sentenced to 24 months in a California State Prison on Thursday.

Hey guess what turns out jail's not so bad! They have Wi-Fi and I haven't gotten raped yet and I'm making so many friends! Plus, now I can just spend all my time blogging so I'm sure all you loyal readers are just thrilled.

Just kidding suckers! Turns out I'm not even remotely the craziest stalker out there after all. So for everyone worried (and rightfully so) that this was me, fear no more. First of all this dude was squarely in his mid twenties right at the ripe age of 25. I am NOT in my mid-twenties, thank you very much. Second, the nutjob motherfucker apparently showed up at Audrina's door with a knife in his backpack and with a bunch of drawings - one of which included a chick being strangled. Ummm what? Aren't stalkers supposed to really like the people (read: NOT want to kill) they stalk? I guess I'm just way off my stalking etiquette game. Thought I was an up-and-coming prospect but clearly I gotta hit the spring training field a bit harder next year. Don't worry though I'll get there!

Richard Seymour hates rapers

Well look at Richard Seymour standing up for all the ladies out there! What a moment for women's rights this was. Just beautiful.

This all went down after Ben threw a 22 yard TD pass to Emmanuel Sanders. I can't really read his lips but I'm pretty certain it's a safe bet that he ran up to Seymour after it and said something along the lines of "that's how I'm going to score on your sister later" and clearly Richie did not take kindly to these words. Good for him.

One thing we did learn is that it's quite clear why Ben preys on inebriated young ladies rather than any dudes when he hits the bar. Guy clearly can't take a punch. Bro I thought your nickname was Big Ben? For some reason that always suggested some sort of toughness to me. Dude fell like a Georgia co-ed trapped in a bathroom out there.

PS - bet Seymour's wife was really turned on by his compassionate act. Oh wait nevermind she was probably turned on for other reasons...I think that's probably who he learned the move from.

PPS - When a reporter asked Roethlisberger after the game what he said to make Seymour flip, he said he told him "Let's go get ready for the extra point!" What a load of shit that is! Does he really expect anyone to believe that?

Ryan Reynolds is the Sexiest Man Alive

Ummmmmmmmmm, Duh?

FINALLY

As you might’ve noticed by now, this is not a blog about meat. Don’t get me wrong, I love a nice hunk of beef as much as the next guy, but the closest thing we got in these parts is that meathead Special Ed (well I’m certainly a hunk but that’s neither here nor there). So, you might be wondering, why “Is My Meat Done Yet?” And why the fuck did it take you so long to explain it? Turns out I have a pretty good answer to the first question. Not so much for the second, so I’m just gonna pretend that one never came up.

My Meat was born nearly two years ago (holy shit) when I was cookin’ up a mean meal in the greatest dorm/suite/apartment the world has ever seen. Standard dish of chicken/steak/porkchops with pasta or rice and some veggies. Throw in a few of the closest spices and boom roasted you got a delicious dinner.

So like every night, I called one of my dear friends over with a simple question: “Is my meat done yet?” And nice, polite dicks that they were and are, everyone first made fun of me and then eventually one of them came over to give me thumbs up or thumbs down on the meat situation. And one of our boys, lil Nicky, was like “Bro that should be the title of a blog or something.” Well ask and you shall receive (2 years later) my friend!

Why did they have to do this, you ask? Pattyshack are you some kind of retard? Well actually yes I am. I have a disability that plagues me day and night and makes me a running joke in the design studio at my office. Oh and doesn’t allow me to chase my childhood dream of being a pilot (just kidding, flying is for the birds!...get it? It’s because birds fly.)

If you aren’t with me so far, I’m colorblind. And colorblindness is NOT a joke. First, the basics. I know your jeans are blue. Stop making this the first question you ask when you find out my interesting fact during an icebreaker. I know grass is green. I know an orange is orange. I know a red light from a green light at an intersection because I’m not fucking dumb – one’s on top and one’s on the bottom bitch! I’m colorblind, not regular blind.

Okay now what can’t I do? First, I can’t tell you what number I’m supposed to see in this:

(No, I can't)

I probably can’t pick the color you want out of a crayon box. I probably won’t know that when everyone at my cousin’s wedding is complimenting me on how good I look, my tie is predominantly pink, not gray.

I will most certainly not be able to color my maps in 9^th grade Geography class the same way they are colored in the book.

And I won’t be able to tell if my meat is done yet. Lucky for you, all you get out of my misfortune is a hilarious blog. But because I’m such a saint, I’m okay with that. I’ll just keep living my life eating potentially hazardous meat and pumping out a post every two months or so. Don’t mind me.

I just puked everywhere

ESPN.com - Jeter won for the fifth time at shortstop -- at 36, the New York Yankees captain is the oldest AL shortstop to win the Gold Glove since Luis Aparicio was the same age in 1970. Only Ozzie Smith, Omar Vizquel, Aparicio and Mark Belanger have won more total Gold Gloves at shortstop than Jeter.

"It is a tremendous honor to receive the Gold Glove award, especially since this recognition comes from managers and coaches for whom I have a great deal of respect. It is particularly gratifying to be recognized for defense, as it is something I take a lot of pride in and am constantly working to improve," Jeter said in a statement.

This has to be a joke right? Like no one actually thinks Derek Jeter is a good fielder right? Well obviously no one that knows anything about baseball thinks that, so I'm sure PrincesSA does because she is not a fan. But for real, does his fucking jump throw have some sort of hypnotic powers? Does it just trick people into thinking that he's a good defensive baseball player?

Obviously this award has become laughable. As the ESPN article goes on to point out, Jeter is CONSISTENTLY ranked in the bottom half of any defensive metrics that actually figure out whether a player is a good fielder or not. Pretty sure these "Gold" Gloves are just awarded to players with the fewest errors slash most popularity. Do you know why Jeter makes the fewest errors? BECAUSE HE DOESN'T GET TO HALF THE BALLS OTHER SHORTSTOPS DO. So he can't make a fucking error if he never gets near the ball!!!!!! Get it now?

While I do respect Jeter - partly for his time on the diamond, partly because he's seemingly banged every hot girl in the universe - I go to sleep every night praying Hal and Hank play hardball with him this offseason and he leaves town for another team (I'm sure Minka wouldn't mind living in LA?)

Eat shit Derek!

Wheelchair Man is Real Life Joe Swanson from Family Guy

Guy In Wheelchair Stops Robber - Watch more Funny Videos

So I guess people in wheelchairs aren't completely useless afterall... I just assumed that Joe Swanson was kinda like Brian or Stewie on Family Guy, in that its impossible for a dog or a baby to talk, and that its impossible for a person in a wheelchair to be a functioning member in society. This is like seeing a pig fly or a white running back run for 184 yards and 2 touchdowns against the Patriots. But seriously tho, wheelchair guy rocks the shit in this one. Almost makes up for this guy.



God, if you're reading this, I'm only kidding... Please don't take my legs from me, I'll say as many Hail Mary's and Our Father's as it takes.

50 Raps with That Weird Ass Lip-Syncing Kid

Yo Freakshow! Clean your fucking room and make your damn bed if you know that 50 is about to burst through the door and start spittin hot fire with your elfish ass! This is that dude, who put out songs like Candy Shop, 21 Questions and P.I.M.P. and was in hit movies such as Get Rich or Die Tryin' and Righteous Kill!!! Least you could do is put that cum rag by the trash in the actual garbage can. Unless, he had no idea that 50 was coming at all, in which case I'm just impressed by the impomptu choreography, especially at the 3 minute mark.

PS- Ja Rule must be rollin' in his grave seein 50 on his knees like a little bitch.

Move to Buffalo Before Everybody Else Realizes How Awesome it is

Yahoo- Sperling crunched the numbers to find the 10 best cities to relocate to today. The list takes into consideration all kinds of data points from cost of living to crime rates, the number of colleges and how healthy the population is, as well as access to museums, shows, sporting and other events. Plus, one you might not think of - stability.


2. Buffalo-Niagara Falls, NY
Buffalo is an older, industrial city that has "gone through a sort of gut-wrenching transition into the 21st Century," Sperling says. And now that it's gotten over the bumps, it's a great place to live.



The Buffalo-Niagara Falls area has a growing arts scene and it's affordable: The cost of living is 14.4 percent below the national average, and the average home price is $119,700, well below the national average of $171,700.


There are more than 20 parks in Buffalo, earning it the nickname, "City of Trees," and for all you sports fans, it's home of the Buffalo Bills football team and Buffalo Sabres hockey team. As for Niagara Falls, the city has moved from an industrial center to a more sustainable tourism-based economy, and with the opening of the Conference Center Niagara Falls a few years ago, it now attracts more business travelers.


The unemployment rate in the region is 8.3 percent, below the national average. Health care and education are the fastest growing industries here.

And yeah, I realize that we came in second... again. Cue the Bills four straight super bowl losses jokes. Real fucking knee slappers...
Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo!!!!! I've taken sooooooo much shit for being from Buffalo since day one. Oh, Buffalo, isn't that a welfare city? You guys get a lot of snow up there right? Is that a part of Canada? Well look who's number 2 now bitches! Looks like I was just beating the rush by being birthed there.

It's Called a Dance Party!!!

Laughter Is The Best Medicine - Watch more Funny Videos

Somebody better get me Sean Stevenson for our party next weekend! Life is meant to be enjoyed! The only other time I met somebody who comes close to being this awesome was this hunchback I met on the way to Wilson Farms back in Buffalo. Me and my boy tried to help him carry him carry his groceries, but he told us he was working on his traps. He also told us he was taking yoga classes because he was this close to being able to suck his own dick. Dude just embraced being a hunchback, and really what else are you supposed to do when you're dealt that hand? Life is too short to get all serious and not have a good time.

An Italian City Buried in Trash

Yahoo News- Did you ever want to know what 2,400 tons of trash looks like? Well, wonder no more! A garbage strike in Italy has led to public protests, intense finger-pointing, and a whole heckuva lot of trash piling up in the streets of Naples.

So, what's the problem? City trash wasn't being collected because of public outrage over a proposed city dump. The trash piled up, and then protesters just started adding to it, dumping their refuse in the streets. Now the European Union is threatening to slap sanctions on Italy if it doesn't clean up the mess.

Sometimes the jokes for a blog are just too easy. An Italian city covered in trash? No! You don't say!! Is there any relation to why Jersey, Long Island and Staten Island are having garbage problems, too?

In case you needed another reason to hate LeBron part III

Really with this? How are this guy's PR people so dumb? THIS is what you respond to everything with? This dude just made god knows how much for this commercial and he wants us to think he's an angel for the time he gave the money to charity when he HELD AN HOUR LONG ESPN SPECIAL ABOUT HIMSELF. No bro. No. I'm not going to do that. I'm going to think about how much of a dick you are for now actually making more money on what everyone already hates you for. Guess what dude? I hate you more now! And I hated you a LOT before I saw this!

Oh and enough with the sob stories about people being mean to you on twitter. I didn't pay much attention to any of these but saw enough headlines to want to puke. You make more money than god dude. I do not feel bad for you. Buy thicker skin or something.

Moral of the story is just shut up and win some basketball games and everyone forgets about this. But you have to remember the first part.

(Seriously though throw me like $50k a year, a couple pairs of kicks and maybe a night or two a year with your mom and I will happily make these decisions for you. Your personal brand value will shoot through the roof. Trust me I'm a professional.)

Oh yeah PS - I can't wait to see the Celts murk this clown tomorrow night.

UMMMM......no

Wikipedia - "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo." is a grammatically valid sentence in the English language, used as an example of how homonyms and homophones can be used to create complicated linguistic constructs. It has been discussed in literature since 1972 when the sentence was used by William J. Rapaport, an associate professor at the University at Buffalo. It was posted to Linguist List by Rapaport in 1992. It was also featured in Steven Pinker's 1994 book The Language Instinct.

What what what what what what what what? Turns out when Special Ed stumbles home from McFaddens every Sunday he's actually speaking in complete sentences? Well when he is able to form more than basic sounds, that is.

Umm you have got to be fucking kidding me with this one. I don't give a shit about William J. Rapaport or Steven Pinker. With all due respect sirs, I am the grammar expert on this blog and, quite frankly, on much of the internet. And this is not going to fly on my watch. Leave it to some dude from Buffalo to say that this is a grammatically correct sentence. Have you ever met anyone from Buffalo? Literally 1 in every 3 words they say is Buffalo. Not even an exaggeration. "Bills this, Niagara Falls that, Sabres, beer, wings, Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo." That is how most of my "conversations" with these degenerates go. So I think it's pretty easy to see that in 24 words, Buffalo could come up 8 times in a row at one point or another. What is NOT easy to see, my friends, is that this then makes a complete sentence.

And you can take all your fancy little charts and stick 'em where the sun don't shine. I can draw pictures too. Just no colors.

Hillbilly Pinata Party

Pinata Headshot - Watch more Funny Videos

I mean this was obviously 100% intentional. If you wanna call out a hillbilly for cheating at pinatas then tie a blindfold on his head or expect to be hit upside the dome piece with a broomstick. It's rule #1 in the handbook. So don't come crying to me with the mild concussion you just received, I'm not impressed.

BTDubbs, that is the most pathetic looking pinata I have ever seen. Really? A smiley face? That's what you got for me? Even the peasents in Mexico are laughing at you with that bull.

God Hates Buffalo

Which one of these things is not like the other one? Which one of these things is not the same? Ryan Fitzpatrick is the number two rated quarterback in the NFL? How on earth is this possible? Yeah I know, Fitzy put up big numbers yesterday in another heartbreaking loss to the Ravens, going 29-43 for 374 and 4 touchdowns, but I am actually supposed to believe the only quarterback in the league that is better than our Harvard Boy is Peyton Manning? And worse, what if Chan Gailey and the Front Office actually start believing it? The Bills are finally bad enough to draft a franchise quarterback and maybe start turning this team around, and GD Ryan Fitzpatrick is ruining it!

It doesn't help that our defense can't stop a nose bleed. We just let up 30 points or more for the fifth straight game (and for the first time in our not so storied 50 year history) and are ranked dead last against at stopping the run. If you look at those stats, its hard to say that what's going to right the ship is a new quarterback. Ryan Mallet or Andrew Luck are not going to be tackling many running backs. Oh yeah, and Buffalo is now the only team in the league who hasn't won a game. Perfect.

PS- The Bills were up 17-3 and 24-10, but at no point did I actually think we were going to win that game yesterday. That game had heartbreaking loss written all over it. So of course we rallied back from down 10 to tie the game late in the fourth. And of course Ray Lewis strips Shawn Nelson and the Ravens rip our hearts out in overtime like it was Old Spice . I would have been MUCH more shocked if that didn't happen. I've seen that movie too many times.

PPS- I love the Old Spice commercials with Ray Lewis. I don't play Fantast Football! I play For Real Football! If I still had enough friends to play football with on the weekends, this would undoubtably be my go to trash talking line.