Did I Make a Viral Video and No One Told Me About it?

Ummm... Guys? Who's fucking with me? If you are going to launch a viral video of me teaching people how to be an unemployee, the least you could do is give me a heads up. I mean, I have been walking around the streets of New York, wondering why everybody was pointing at me and asking me for my autograph. I just figured people were mistaking me for Jake Gyllenhaal again.

Turns out I'm actually famous on my own. And I gotta hand it to myself here, I really nailed a few huge points about being unemployed. I mean, I'm right, the hours are great. I'm sitting here at 1:33am blogging. Probably won't wake up till at least noon tomorrow. Yeah suck it bitches, and I don't work on Fridays or Monday mornings either.

I wish I had expanded on the dress code a little, such as pants never get dirty so there's no need to waste room in the washing machine and dryer on them. Might be the difference between doing 2 loads of laundry instead of 3. Again, it's all about saving money. Also, if you run out of boxers, turn a pair of your old ones inside out, or wear mesh shorts instead. And shaving is the absolute worst, so I don't think I needed to mention that bit about not being well groomed. Plus, bitches get moist over the scruffy look.

My point about laptops being on your lap and working from your bed or from the couch should be written in the Unemployed Bible. I would say anywhere between 92 and 94 percent of my day is spent on either of those two pieces of furniture with my laptop firmly implanted on my lap. And seriously avoid the leather office chair. I only sit on Pattyshacks chair in his room/my office in case of a true emergency where productivity is required.

The only two criticisms that I would give myself is that it is called funemployment and funemployee. Don't know where my head was on that one. I really dropped the ball and I apologize. And fuck checking that Twitter shit. Pretty sure the only updates I would get would be from Pattyshack telling the world about his ham and cheese sandwhich. Seriously, my Twitter experts tell me that Patty is horrible at Twitter, which I believe is the same thing as saying the kid sucks dick at sucking dick.

Just FYI, that isn't actually me in the video, I'm much better looking than that assclown. But I'm pretty sure that IS my couch.