TMZ- We're told Ryan and Scarlett are living apart. And we're told it's amicable. The rep for Ryan and Scarlett tells TMZ, "After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we've decided to end our marriage. We entered our relationship with love and it's with love and kindness we leave it. While privacy isn't expected, it's certainly appreciated."
Okay let's play a little game here. Ready?
Pattyshack : Audrina :: Special Ed : ?
A) Pizza
B) Lying on the couch
C) The Bills
D) Ryan Reynolds
Trick question. Answer is all of the above. But I'm lying on the couch (No longer have the laptop on the lap because I was informed that that'll fry your little swimmers), in a Bills T-Shirt, eating a slice of pizza.... and now I find out Ryan Reynolds is available? I'm pretty sure this is Inception. So thank you Mr. Architect, December 14th might now be better than my birthday.
Haha how do you like me know Patty Shack? Red is White, Blue is Black... Yup, and up is down and left is right motherfucker.
But so much for New York City being a melting pot, huh? Map looks as segragated as the 1950s. And yeah it says that this is done from the 2000 census, but I'm telling you right now this still holds up in 2010. 96th street on the East side is the border between two different worlds.
And the best part is that booze is cheaper in the green/blue areas. The Rite Aide on 96th and 2nd has 18 racks of Bud Light for $12 and 12ers of Natty for 6 bucks. You go 2 blocks south and that same beer will cost you $18.99 plus tax, deposit, your right arm and your first born son. And a handle of Georgie? Fahgettaboutit. Saved myself about 3 theoritical paychecks going up to 104th street to buy the booze for our housewarming.
Okay, first things first. How the hell is there an electric eel and an alligator together? I looked it up, alligators live in North America and in China. Electric eels live in South America. So I'm alreaedy frazzled by this. Secondly, how the FUCK does an electric eel work? Like, they always tell you not to put the radio next to the bath tub because you can fry your brains out, but here is this fish kinda thing swimming in water and just electricuting the shit outta things. How does that make any gd sense?
Regardless, alligators and crocodiles are bitches. I tried to fight this reptile-fucker in Jamaica but he wasn't having it. Probably just recognized the alpha male when he saw me.
I just looked over the home page and realized that since I got back into the game, I have been writing NOVELS for blog posts. Don't worry, I'm with you. I can't focus long enough to read more than 50 words in a row without there being some sort of picture or video to interupt the mind-numbing dullness of reading. I'll do my best to get my spit-a-gummy-bear-out-your-nose hilarious points across in less words so I don't get the Too Long Did Not Read treatment. My bad.
THE LOOKOUT- Twenty-seven strains of bacteria have formed a destructive blob of icicle-like "rusticles" that are slowly eating the historic wreckage of the RMS Titanic steamship.
Canadian researchers told OurAmazingPlanet that the rusticles may completely destroy the remains of the ship within 15 years. Using DNA technology, the scientists discovered a new strain of bacteria among the rusticles. They named the life-forms Halomonas titanicae.
First the iceberg and now a desctructive blob of bacteria? Can't the Titanic catch a freakin' break!?!
To be straight with you, At first I didn't give two fucks about the Titanic's remains being destroyed. Didn't even give one fuck. I never liked how I could never live up to Jack in the eyes of my middle school girlfriends anyway. But then I read it was suffering from "rusticles" and my entire heart went out to the corpse of the Titanic.
If there is anyone in the world who can relate to being destroyed by rusticles, it's me. I'm pretty sure there are kids born in the Second Bush Administration that have got more action than me in the last 6 months. I passed the point where I could joke about retiring my cock a few months back. Now, we're at the point of comparing my frank and beans to my appendix. Yeah, it's been so long since they've been used that I kinda forgot what they were ever used for. And if they were removed I wouldn't miss a beat. So yeah, I feelya Titanic, we're in the same boat (Hahaha can't IMAGINE why I can't get laid layin' lines like that).
WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama apparently hasn't had a cigarette since March, but the White House stopped short Thursday of declaring that he has officially kicked the habit bedeviling millions of Americans.
"I have not seen or witnessed evidence of any smoking in probably nine months," White House press secretary Robert Gibbs replied when asked at his regular media briefing about Obama's habit.
Just another thing to add to the list of things President Obama hasn't done since being elected. Ba Da Bum Chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Ummm... Guys? Who's fucking with me? If you are going to launch a viral video of me teaching people how to be an unemployee, the least you could do is give me a heads up. I mean, I have been walking around the streets of New York, wondering why everybody was pointing at me and asking me for my autograph. I just figured people were mistaking me for Jake Gyllenhaal again.
Turns out I'm actually famous on my own. And I gotta hand it to myself here, I really nailed a few huge points about being unemployed. I mean, I'm right, the hours are great. I'm sitting here at 1:33am blogging. Probably won't wake up till at least noon tomorrow. Yeah suck it bitches, and I don't work on Fridays or Monday mornings either.
I wish I had expanded on the dress code a little, such as pants never get dirty so there's no need to waste room in the washing machine and dryer on them. Might be the difference between doing 2 loads of laundry instead of 3. Again, it's all about saving money. Also, if you run out of boxers, turn a pair of your old ones inside out, or wear mesh shorts instead. And shaving is the absolute worst, so I don't think I needed to mention that bit about not being well groomed. Plus, bitches get moist over the scruffy look.
My point about laptops being on your lap and working from your bed or from the couch should be written in the Unemployed Bible. I would say anywhere between 92 and 94 percent of my day is spent on either of those two pieces of furniture with my laptop firmly implanted on my lap. And seriously avoid the leather office chair. I only sit on Pattyshacks chair in his room/my office in case of a true emergency where productivity is required.
The only two criticisms that I would give myself is that it is called funemployment and funemployee. Don't know where my head was on that one. I really dropped the ball and I apologize. And fuck checking that Twitter shit. Pretty sure the only updates I would get would be from Pattyshack telling the world about his ham and cheese sandwhich. Seriously, my Twitter experts tell me that Patty is horrible at Twitter, which I believe is the same thing as saying the kid sucks dick at sucking dick.
Just FYI, that isn't actually me in the video, I'm much better looking than that assclown. But I'm pretty sure that IS my couch.
Oooooooooohhh, I get it now. Han was the scruffy little herb-nerder! Why didn't someone go find Luke? If you got a ghost tellin' you not to do it, don't do it homes! Luke was a step ahead! It was all about the love!
But real talk, I watched that HBO stand-up special and that shit was terrible. Possibly, nope definitely the most disappointing hour of my life. Worse than when I found out Santa wasn't real and that there was no magic in this world, just liars and damn liars. I fucking love Tracy Morgan and had a huge humor boner when I was scrolling through the guide and saw he had a comedy special on HBO. On 30 Rock and SNL, Tracy Morgan is not piss your pants funny, he's shit in your pants funny. But Mr. Right and I watched his HBO stand-up and we actually changed the channel about half way through. And we were already pretty wasted so Tracy had home field advantage and everything. We were completely the white guys in the audience going 'What's going on," but I'm telling you right now Tracy Morgan, it hurt me way more than it hurt you.
... No coincidence that the Denver Broncos head coaching job is open, right? You know, the team that drafted Saint Tim Tebow in the first round last year? Yeah there could be absolutely no correlation between these two events.
There is no harder fact than that Meyer has the gay for Tebow. If I had been blogging at this time last year, when he decided to step down because of a "heart condition," I would have made the joke that it was heartbreak from his lover Tebow going to the pros. I had completely conviced myself that he was stepping down from Florida last year to coach the Bills, and that he was going to ruin the next decade of my life by using our first round pick to select Tebow. Luckily, 24 hours later Meyer reconsidered and Pattyshack talked me back off of the ledge.
Regardless, Meyer better be dead serious about walking away from Florida this time around. I mean we are finally getting rid of Brett Farve's waffling ass. Sports fans DO NOT need anyone to fill that 'I'm retiring, I'm coming back' void. Although, a Meyer-Tebow sexting scandal would be pretty hilarious, well at least at first.
Haha love metal shop kids. And I'm not talking about the Ivy League Mechanical Engineers I went to school with, who knew how to fix transfunctions and shit. I'm talking about the kids in high school who would put vodka in their orange juice bottles they carried around with them in school and would bet each other $50 on a game of rock paper scissors. I don't have nearly enough complete idiots in my life. No one I know is gonna stick their foot in a laude and get flipped the fuck over. Just never going to happen. The best thing I have going is that Mr. Right sounds like Charlie from Always Sunny when he drinks.
If you feel like you haven't been pissed off at somebody in a while, and just miss the feeling of unequaled rage, read one of Rick Reilly's columns on espn.com. Reilly has been writting for Sports Illustrated and espn.com for as long as I can remember, but I'm not sure that he knows that he is writting to an audience of almost entirely sports fans. His most recent column outlines how dangerous of a place an NFL stadium is, and makes a few suggestions what not to do when attending a pro football game...
• Don't wear a jersey, ever. In January of this year, two men wearing Philadelphia Eagles jerseys attacked a woman wearing a Tony Romo jersey outside a convenience store in Bethlehem. So much for peace on Earth.
• Don't bring a sign. Last year, at a Patriots-Jets game in New Jersey, Michelle Munoz's 14-year-old daughter held up an "I Love Tom Brady" sign. Munoz was then allegedly kicked, punched and thrown over a row of bleacher seats. And the Jets were ahead. • Don't sit up high. If you sit up high at an NFL game, more than your nose might bleed. Instead, pay through the nose and sit low, where the generally sober people are. (Exception to this rule: If you or your child is offended by the kind of language that would make a longshoreman blush, don't sit anywhere near Jets head coach Rex Ryan.) • Don't get within an area code of the Oakland/San Diego game. This rivalry is to the NFL what Jennifer and Angelina are to the E! network. For a time, there were so many brawls at this game that the San Diego police installed a makeshift jail in the bowels of the stadium. Saved time.
And oh yeah, one more thing... he thinks we should get rid of the booze too.
There's an easy answer, of course, but it's the third rail nobody wants to touch: beer. Without beer, the NFL would dry up and blow away. But how about stopping sales after halftime instead of the third quarter? How about opening up parking lots two hours before the game instead of four? How about telling the networks to stop showcasing single-brain-celled fans like Fireman Ed and Can't Feel My Face Shirtless Buffalo Guy, dolts who give the impression that this game is slightly more important than their next breath?
I take special exception to this, as my father and I had season tickets to the Buffalo Bills in the 300 sections since I was four years old. Going to the games are literally my favorite childhood memories. I remember the 1994 playoff game against the Raiders where it was 0 degrees out with a windchill of -32. My grandfather went to go get me nachos and hot chocolate to stay warm, but by the time he got back up to our seats it was cold chocolate and the nacho cheese was frozen. But it didn't matter because my childhood idol, Jim Kelly, lead the Bills to a late touchdown to beat the then Los Angeles Raiders 29-23.
And yeah, I was exposed to tailgaiting, heavy drinking and every curse word that existed when I was a kid Mostly because I was sitting with the rest of the fans who couldn't afford to sit in the lower seats. But I was also exposed to the best sports fans in the world. Buffalo is a very poor city and we LIVE through our sports teams, well honestly, because we don't have much else going for us. But there is something to be said about being around people who genuinely love something with everything they have. It's easy for me to say that I am a better person for having experienced both the highs and lows, in person.
Sure, I can see where Reilly is coming from in saying that fans should be passionate, but not criminal. I have been on the other side of things too. I have had a knife pulled on me at a Jets game and told to 'Go home and fuck my goat.' But to condemn fans who wear jerseys, bring signs, sit in the cheap seats, go to rivalry games and hit the booze during games is a wide sweeping generalization. To remove the fans who provide the hostile environments in Oakland, Buffalo, Seattle and Cleveland would be to take away from kids today the memories of banging the metal bleacher seats as loud as you can on third down, showing up to school on Mondays with no voice from yelling the opposing team's quarterback's last name or sitting on their father's shoulders to be able to see his favorite players squeak one out in the fourth.
But I guess what it boils down to is that you can protect your kid, or you can let him play in the dirt and build up his immune system. Sure, every once in a while he will catch a cold from a bad experience. But much more often than not, he will gain memories and experiences that he will stay with him forever. And if you want to go to Reilly's ideal stadium, try going to a Patriots game. Pretty sure they serve tea, crumpettes and tuna tartar at Foxboro.
Okay enough serious talk, back to our regularly scheduled hilarious programming.
I guess it's cheaper than buying condoms? I mean 63 kicks to the nuts has gotta take away your ability to reproduce, right? Mrs. Dumbass is not getting any grandkids from this shitforbrains. I'm still on board with thinking this kids had his scrotum fillers removed before the stunt. I took one little ball grazing kick from PrincesSA once and I dropped straight into the fetal position. 63 consecutive kicks with the full amount of testosterone being produced in your body does not seem possible.
Look, ladies love the Silver Fox. Damn, that actually woulda been a pretty solid blogging name. I wish after my blogging birth that my blogging parents would have named me either The Silver Fox or Skittles Valentine. Alas, you can't pick your family and you can't pick your blogging name. But you can pick your nose, just don't eat it. Never understood those dirty fucks that shoved buggers in their mouth. If you're that hungry come on over to my place and I'll throw a pot of rice on for you.
Okay, sorry I popped my Aderall and am ready to start this blog. JSmiles and I have had the talk on multiple occassions that we want to go for the salt and pepper look and die our hair and beard with gray highlights. You know, get that distinguished look. I'll never be able to act mature, so I might as well try and look the part to try and fool people into liking me.
That was until on the way back from McFadden's this week I hop on the subway behind this kid who could not have been older than 20, but had the touch of gray real hard. And to be honest, he couldn't pull it off. Just too much of a baby face to rock the look, which, to be honest, rocked my world.
If I'm not rocking the scruff, I look like I'm 12 years old. Which makes me hesitant as to whether or not I could pull off the Silver Fox look. I mean I don't want there to be an oximoronic age war on my face where my hair is saying I am a man of experience but my face is saying prepubescent teen who has never unhooked a bra. It just wouldn't make any dollars or cents.
So, I'll leave it up to you meatheads... Can I pull off the Silver Fox look? I'm gonna try and remember how to make a poll thing, and if you guys can muster up 25 yes votes by the end of the year, I'll actually go out and brush in some gray highlights in my hair and beard. But I'm trusting you guys here, give it to me honest.
PS- The Silver Fox conversation is entirely JSmile's brainchild. Fortunately for him he looks like he's 37 already and could definitely pull off the look.
NPR- As the nation attempts to go on a debt diet, the cost of federally funded space missions, like the long-awaited manned mission to Mars, is being questioned. But two scientists are recommending a different approach that could change space exploration forever: leaving the astronauts there.
Davies envisions the astronaut who will travel to Mars to be in his or her 60s, with enough life experience and training to willingly take the journey into space. They would live off of a power source of some kind, ideally a nuclear reactor, and take enough medical and food supplies to sustain themselves through the rest of their life.
Let me first say that it would be a bright and colorful day in the life of Pattyshack before I would go on a one way trip to Mars (Get it? Because he's colorblind and because he's the most miserable fuck I've ever met). I am, for the most part a pretty low matainence type of guy. Give me my bag of rice, a white t-shirt and a pair of mesh shorts and I'll make due. That is with the exception that I NEED human contact at all times.
I could not be joking less. Simon and Garfunkel can fucking shove it because I hate the sound of silence. I blast the radio for the three minutes it takes me to get changed when I get out of the shower so that I don't have to be alone. And if you know me well enough, you know that I am a Green Dot on gchat 97% of the time and that the most frustrating thing in my life is that I can only fit 5 convos on the screen at once. Well, maybe a tie between that and trying to shave my back. Yeah, I shave my back. God decided about a year ago that my back was the canvas for an abstract work and 3 inch black hairs were his medium. Yeah, gross.
Back to Mars though... Haha who am I kidding, no one read that back hair joke and didn't find something better to do with their time. And if you kept reading, you're sick in your head. But if you can stomach the thought of the randomly scattered patches of hair on my back, there's a few spots I can't quite reach and I could really use a hand.
"9-year-old Jets fan envisions Tom Brady bleeding to death on the field Monday night"
Well that pretty much says it all right there folks. Jets fans are dirty, dirty people. Just scum of the earth. Scum raising scum, apparently. And clearly with no art skillz whatsoever. That picture is just a real piece of shit through and through. I really hope his mother was proud of this one. Oh that's right she probably hasn't seen it because she's been whoring herself out at the local mall or down at Karma in Seaside with the whole Jersey Shore crew.
PS karma's a bitch, huh? (Pun intended). This little asshole draws this picture and Jimmy Leonhard breaks his leg. In practice. What a pussy.
PPS - Tom Brady bleeding to death with no legs would still be top-5 good looking dude in the world.
Huffington Post - According to a recent Wilkes University study, 91 percent of students text during class.
Two Wilkes psychology professors, Deborah Tindell and Robert Bohlander, circulated a survey that questioned respondents on their text messaging habits and attitudes toward texting in class among 269 students.
YOU DON'T SAY! Kids text in class? No fucking way dude I don't believe it! This is some really hard-hitting journalism here.
These professors do not live in real life. "Tindell decided to perform the study when she realized how unaware she was of the texting that occurred during her class." Either this article failed to report that she is also legally blind, or she just has shit for brains.Have they not noticed that people in the 18-22 year old demographic literally have their phones in their hands 25 hours a day, 7 days a week? And they're now shocked and awed to find out that 91% of them are texting during class. If you scroll down in the article they also go on to tell you that the sun goes down at night and that most people like music.
There are only three shocking things that you should take away from this article:
1. That Wilkes University paid two professors to find out that their students text in class
2. That the Huffington Post found the survey results to be worthy of publishing
3. (This one from the always-wise words of Special Ed...) "Who the fuck is the one out of ten that's not texting in class?" Amen brother.
On a side note, I was at one point in my life the lucky recipient of a "Wilkes Crew" t-shirt. How this came about I have NO idea. Now don't get me wrong, it was a nice little shirt. But, I do not know anyone that attends or attended Wilkes University. I do not know where the fuck Wilkes University is. The only thing I now know about them is that they commission the most pointless pieces of research of all time. If I'm ever wondering whether people like sun more than rain, I'll be sure to give these guys a call.
GQ -"I love a good dick joke. Fart jokes. Poop jokes. They're hilarious. They never get old. But especially not a dick joke."
Well if that quote is not the icing on the cake/cherry on top/another obscure dessert reference, I just don't know what is. I already thought Mila was the second most-perfect woman in the world (behind Rachel Jansen, her character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, duh), but I think this pretty much vaults her up to number one and it's not even close.
I mean dick jokes, fart jokes, poop jokes....umm welcome to 219% of my conversations with Special Ed. Really, ask PrincesSA. Though I'm pretty sure she thinks they do get old. Which is why she is clearly not the most perfect woman in the world, but that's another story for another day. Anyway, if we aren't making jokes about dicks, farts or poop then we most certainly are not talking. She literally could not have made three more perfect choices of the types of jokes she likes.
I don't think I need to spend much time on how perfect her appearance is. I mean look at her. Fully clothed and I'm fully erect. Plus, she has a lip bite to DIE FOR.
Mila, if I had a nickel for every time someone told me back in the day that I looked like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone, I would be richer than Mark Zuckerburg and Bill Gates combined. So I vote you kick his sorry ass to the curb and come check out/christen the new black couch we just got in our apartment. It's plush leather!!
