The Champ is Here

Okay, so obviously I have been out of the game for a few weeks now, and to be honest, I thought I was out for good. But the outcry has been loud and clear from the 3 or so people that read this blog... that without my semi-literate, haphazard, illogical rants, the air isn't as fresh, the water doesn't taste as crisp, but mostly that they have less things to kill time at work with.

So the watched pot is finally going to boil, and I'm back with the fire and fury of a thousand suns. The Champ is back and he's kickin' this thing into high gear. Got a whole bunch of new shit coming at you. And it's not just me... LOOK! Patty Shack even rebranded himself! (If you don't get Roll Tide, then one, you are an idiot, and two,  click here). And he saw a lot of punch bugs!!!

So, uh yeah, we're back bitches. Just please do us a favor and tape your boners down or tuck them up into your belts so this doesn't get awkward.

Why on God's green earth are there so many VW Bugs in Washington DC??

So I took a little trip down to Washington DC this weekend to drink some beers and see the Celtics beat the Wizards. Only one of those things happened, and it had nothing to do with the Celts. HOWEVER, what I did see was absolutely more impressive than that phallic Washington Monument or giant statue of honest Abe. What was it, you ask? Oh just approximately 9000 VW Bugs rolling through town. Okay clearly not but I swear to god it was at least over 30. Blue ones, white ones, black ones, convertibles, you name it and it was there. Just insanity.

I was there for about 40 hours. So by some simple math just there we have a ratio of almost 1 VW Bug per 1 hour I was there. But then you have to think of the hours I slept each night (roughly 3 am - noon both nights) plus all the time I was inside (buddy's apt, bar, Celts game) to realize that in the amount of time it was humanly possible for me to see one - let's call it 4 hours (definitely a high estimate) - that ratio isn't even close. Just gonna take a conservative guesstimate of 28 cars seen. Do you realize what that means? 7 fucking VW Bugs per hour! Just preposterous. There truly is no upper limit on my guess for this ratio had I been outside the whole time.

So, two thoughts:

1. There has to be some explanation for this and I will not rest until I know what it is. Do government workers get some sort of crazy deal on them? Is there something about them that makes them handle the DC terrain better than others? Is it the gas mileage? Do they make it easier to spy? Is everyone that drives one a German embassy employee and they get them for free? I need answers now.

2. Special Ed decided to bring back the whole Punch Bug game about a year or two ago now. Thought he was really something else with it there for a while, too. Well let me tell you something. I am like Jordan in his prime right now with the Punch Bug game. Like Bobby Fischer on the chess table, Beethoven on the piano and Ali in the ring, all rolled into one. There is NO stopping me. I literally can't even remember the last time someone got me. Special Ed even admitted today that it's been a long time since he got me with one. Uhh yeah dude I guess it's been a "long time" ...ha just kidding, that doesn't even do it justice. I think I can pretty much just do it with my eyes closed at this point. Took a trip up to Boston with our boy RobbieMo and literally beat him 13-0. Thirteen to fucking zero bro, really? Not even gonna put up a fight? Plus half the trip was in the dark, probably woulda been at least a 20 spot had it been all daylight. I was honestly considering just trying to punch myself by the end of it because it would've made the game more challenging.

So I bring this up because if I were Special Ed or RobbieMo, I'd be thanking my fucking lucky stars that I didn't go on this trip with me. I'm not even joking 0.001% when I say I think I might've just shattered one of their Humerus bones into a million pieces. Woulda been running for cover and shit the whole time, callin they mamas and telling them about that big bad man with the head on a swivel and a good eye for a weird lookin car.

Now, if only I could get the colors right...

In case you need another reason to hate LeBron - part ???

@KingJames: Forgot to show ya'll my B-day cake

Honestly not even sure it's humanly possible to figure out what number we're on here. Think it's somewhere around 982, plus or minus a few. I've been on my regular hiatus between posts but in the past few weeks there have been several things I've seen about LBJ that made me say "what an asshole, I have to blog about that." But then I didn't because like I said, I was on my break. And nobody puts baby in a corner when he's on his break.

Anyway, what a colossal dick. And I'm not talking about the cake, either, though it is rather large and phallic now that I mention it. Who gets this cake for themselves? Ugh bro ugh.

Three things are jumping to mind:

1. That cake is ugly as fuck. Under no circumstances would I ever want this in my presence, let alone on my birthday. Guys take note, my bday is coming up.

2. It doesn't even look like it would be tasty. Rule#1 about birthday cakes: get a Carvel ice cream cake. That does not look like a carvel ice cream cake.

3. How in god's (the real one, not Charlie Whitehurst) name do you eat this thing? It looks like something I made in arts and crafts in kindergarten.

Other than that though I guess it's just fine. Putting a crown on your ugly ass bday cake and then tweeting it from your KINGJAMES twitter account isn't obnoxious at all. Sweet life.

PS - one of the other things I was going to blog about was LeBron saying he wouldn't change anything that he did in 2010. Loved that. Wonder if that includes choking in the playoffs?

PPS - yes I got this from Twitter. Watch out world, I'm figuring that shit out a bit more every day. Pattyshack comin in HOT in 2011.

This May be the Best Day of My Life

TMZ- We're told Ryan and Scarlett are living apart. And we're told it's amicable.
The rep for Ryan and Scarlett tells TMZ, "After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we've decided to end our marriage. We entered our relationship with love and it's with love and kindness we leave it. While privacy isn't expected, it's certainly appreciated."

Okay let's play a little game here. Ready?

Pattyshack : Audrina :: Special Ed : ?

A) Pizza
B) Lying on the couch
C) The Bills
D) Ryan Reynolds

Trick question. Answer is all of the above. But I'm lying on the couch (No longer have the laptop on the lap because I was informed that that'll fry your little swimmers), in a Bills T-Shirt, eating a slice of pizza.... and now I find out Ryan Reynolds is available? I'm pretty sure this is Inception. So thank you Mr. Architect,  December 14th might now be better than my birthday.

New York City is Racist

Click to enlarge

FLICKR- I was astounded by Bill Rankin's map of Chicago's racial and ethnic divides and wanted to see what other cities looked like mapped the same way. To match his map, Red is White, Blue is Black, Green is Asian, Orange is Hispanic, Gray is Other, and each dot is 25 people. Data from Census 2000. Base map © OpenStreetMap, CC-BY-SA

Haha how do you like me know Patty Shack? Red is White, Blue is Black... Yup, and up is down and left is right motherfucker.
 
But so much for New York City being a melting pot, huh? Map looks as segragated as the 1950s. And yeah it says that this is done from the 2000 census, but I'm telling you right now this still holds up in 2010. 96th street on the East side is the border between two different worlds.
 
And the best part is that booze is cheaper in the green/blue areas. The Rite Aide on 96th and 2nd has 18 racks of Bud Light for $12 and 12ers of Natty for 6 bucks. You go 2 blocks south and that same beer will cost you $18.99 plus tax, deposit, your right arm and your first born son. And a handle of Georgie? Fahgettaboutit. Saved myself about 3 theoritical paychecks going up to 104th street to buy the booze for our housewarming.

Tip of the cap to Mr. Right on the story

Gator Eats Electric Eel

Okay, first things first. How the hell is there an electric eel and an alligator together? I looked it up, alligators live in North America and in China. Electric eels live in South America. So I'm alreaedy frazzled by this. Secondly, how the FUCK does an electric eel work? Like, they always tell you not to put the radio next to the bath tub because you can fry your brains out, but here is this fish kinda thing swimming in water and just electricuting the shit outta things. How does that make any gd sense?

Regardless, alligators and crocodiles are bitches. I tried to fight this reptile-fucker in Jamaica but he wasn't having it. Probably just recognized the alpha male when he saw me.

TLDNR

I just looked over the home page and realized that since I got back into the game, I have been writing NOVELS for blog posts. Don't worry, I'm with you. I can't focus long enough to read more than 50 words in a row without there being some sort of picture or video to interupt the mind-numbing dullness of reading. I'll do my best to get my spit-a-gummy-bear-out-your-nose hilarious points across in less words so I don't get the Too Long Did Not Read treatment. My bad.

Oh No!!! There is a New Strain of Bacteria Destroying the Titanic!!!

THE LOOKOUT- Twenty-seven strains of bacteria have formed a destructive blob of icicle-like "rusticles" that are slowly eating the historic wreckage of the RMS Titanic steamship.


Canadian researchers told OurAmazingPlanet that the rusticles may completely destroy the remains of the ship within 15 years. Using DNA technology, the scientists discovered a new strain of bacteria among the rusticles. They named the life-forms Halomonas titanicae.

First the iceberg and now a desctructive blob of bacteria? Can't the Titanic catch a freakin' break!?!

To be straight with you, At first I didn't give two fucks about the Titanic's remains being destroyed. Didn't even give one fuck. I never liked how I could never live up to Jack in the eyes of my middle school girlfriends anyway. But then I read it was suffering from "rusticles" and my entire heart went out to the corpse of the Titanic.

If there is anyone in the world who can relate to being destroyed by rusticles, it's me. I'm pretty sure there are kids born in the Second Bush Administration that have got more action than me in the last 6 months. I passed the point where I could joke about retiring my cock a few months back. Now, we're at the point of comparing my frank and beans to my appendix. Yeah, it's been so long since they've been used that I kinda forgot what they were ever used for. And if they were removed I wouldn't miss a beat. So yeah, I feelya Titanic, we're in the same boat (Hahaha can't IMAGINE why I can't get laid layin' lines like that).

Obama Hasn't Smoked Since March

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama apparently hasn't had a cigarette since March, but the White House stopped short Thursday of declaring that he has officially kicked the habit bedeviling millions of Americans.


"I have not seen or witnessed evidence of any smoking in probably nine months," White House press secretary Robert Gibbs replied when asked at his regular media briefing about Obama's habit.

Just another thing to add to the list of things President Obama hasn't done since being elected. Ba Da Bum Chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Did I Make a Viral Video and No One Told Me About it?

Ummm... Guys? Who's fucking with me? If you are going to launch a viral video of me teaching people how to be an unemployee, the least you could do is give me a heads up. I mean, I have been walking around the streets of New York, wondering why everybody was pointing at me and asking me for my autograph. I just figured people were mistaking me for Jake Gyllenhaal again.

Turns out I'm actually famous on my own. And I gotta hand it to myself here, I really nailed a few huge points about being unemployed. I mean, I'm right, the hours are great. I'm sitting here at 1:33am blogging. Probably won't wake up till at least noon tomorrow. Yeah suck it bitches, and I don't work on Fridays or Monday mornings either.

I wish I had expanded on the dress code a little, such as pants never get dirty so there's no need to waste room in the washing machine and dryer on them. Might be the difference between doing 2 loads of laundry instead of 3. Again, it's all about saving money. Also, if you run out of boxers, turn a pair of your old ones inside out, or wear mesh shorts instead. And shaving is the absolute worst, so I don't think I needed to mention that bit about not being well groomed. Plus, bitches get moist over the scruffy look.

My point about laptops being on your lap and working from your bed or from the couch should be written in the Unemployed Bible. I would say anywhere between 92 and 94 percent of my day is spent on either of those two pieces of furniture with my laptop firmly implanted on my lap. And seriously avoid the leather office chair. I only sit on Pattyshacks chair in his room/my office in case of a true emergency where productivity is required.

The only two criticisms that I would give myself is that it is called funemployment and funemployee. Don't know where my head was on that one. I really dropped the ball and I apologize. And fuck checking that Twitter shit. Pretty sure the only updates I would get would be from Pattyshack telling the world about his ham and cheese sandwhich. Seriously, my Twitter experts tell me that Patty is horrible at Twitter, which I believe is the same thing as saying the kid sucks dick at sucking dick.

Just FYI, that isn't actually me in the video, I'm much better looking than that assclown. But I'm pretty sure that IS my couch.