So when I logged back into this, a lot had changed with the whole layout, much more friendly set up for writing a blog and whatnot. But what jumped out above all else is this fucking thing HAS to be lying that Our Meat has been viewed 25 fucking thousand times. We have about 3.5 friends and they didn't read this when we were writing it, so what the fuck were other people doing here?
Does this mean that I have to start writing like I'm speaking to the masses? This whole time I thought it was just me and RollTide writing to each other while sitting 3 feet from each other in our shitty apartment. Gotta say this is a real game changer. Mind. Fucked.
He really has aged well. I mean look at that guy, Studcake with frosting and sprinkles on top.
So I've written in this space before, that Matt Leinart can stay the F away from Buffalo. Saying that the former USC Heisman quarterback would fit in in Buffalo like I would fit in in Tokyo or some non-sense. Well guess what? I haven't matured enough that the idea of being in Tokyo doesn't haunt my dreams, but the idea of Leinart in Flutie's old number 7 Buffalo Bills jersey doesn't immediately make me want to vomit.
Maybe it's that Leinart doesn't seem to have the Hollywood persona that I associated with him when he was younger that makes me think he might have a little Shane Falco in him. Or it might just be that the Bills are looking at starting an undrafted rookie named Jeff Tuel against the Patriots in the home opener in two weeks if E.J. Manuel and Kevin Kolb aren't healthy by then.
Who am I kidding, it is for sure the later of those two. As much as fun as its been watching Tuel Time light it up in the preseason, he did that against scrubs for Indy, Minnesota and Washington. Belicheck and Brady will literally eat that poor boy alive with no remorse. Sign me up for Matt Leinart and sign me up for him yesterday.
Update: Welcome to the squad Matty. Kolb's latest concussion is supposed to be career threatening, so now I have no choice to love you. Shane Falco 2.0 here we go.
So I was hungover as hell this morning, flipping around trying muster the energy to get out of bed before it was this afternoon, when I get this email letting me know that our baby turned three.
I'll be the first to admit that I have been a terrible father over the past year or so. I missed all the play dates and didn't change one diaper. Bailed on paying alimony too. I probably made Antonio Cromartie look like the father of the year. But sometimes it just takes a quick birthday card in your email reminding you that your blog is a toddler to make you turn your life around.
Now I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that I'm devoting my life back to the blog, just that I'm going to start showing up to his T-Ball games and parent teacher conferences. So you can probably expect a few posts up here a week about the same old things. Probably some Bills stories, some things I find on the internet that give me excuses to tell stories about my past, maybe a girl who sneaks into my top 10... soooo get excited for that!
NY Daily News- This week, country singer Taylor Swift is being linked to a different, non-Hollywood hunk: NFL quarterback Tim Tebow. The pair was spotted grabbing dinner together at the Toscanova restaurant in Los Angeles' Century City mall this past Monday, and the Internet is already abuzz with rumors that the two are more than dining buddies.
Look, I'm on record as saying how much sweat both of these Christ-Lovers. Tebow can do pretty much anything except throw a football, and Taylor's got the whole blonde, country, skinny, take-home-to-your-mother thing going on that warms both my heart and my dick. But I gotta call bullshit on this one. No, not because if these two dated it would be the worst thing that happened to me since Ryan Reynolds and ScarJo got together. But if I know Tim Tebow like I think I know Tim Tebow, Taylor Swift is missing two very important assets...
Alright, if I had to name my favorite thing in the world it would have to be playing shuffleboard. Not the one they play in retirement homes with the sticks, but the one where you slide the pucks on the table with the sand. I fucking LOVE shuffleboard. But if I had to name my two favorite things in the world, it would have to be playing shuffleboard and making puns. My life would be 93% less enjoyable if it weren't for puns. No Seriously.
But even I was getting tired of all these Lin-isms. Linning, Super Lintendo, Linderella, I want you Linside of me... they were driving me, well, Linsane. I figured that the All-Star break might be exactly what the city needed to cool down, and you know come up with some other story that was newsworthy that had nothing to do with an Asain basketball player from Harvard. That's when I run out to get a slice for dinner and run into this sign....
$5 Lintinis? $4.50 Lin and Tonics? Now these are some Lin-ism I can fuckin get behind! Because if I had to name my third favorite thing it would for sure be getting shit faced on the cheap.
So this is what I think I must look like when I'm showing a chick my vinegar strokes. Face puffed out, kinda sweaty, rockin' a little scruff, arms flailing, shirt definitely still on... Yup Joba, you nailed it. Thanks man, and sorry ladies.
But on a side note, Joba threw 16 fastballs off of a real mound for the first time since Tommy John surgery last summer yesterday. He will be working his way up to breaking balls later this week, and is expected to beat his eyed June return date to the Yanks' bullpen. Joba said after the session that his arm feels fine, but that his legs are tired. But you would be too if you had to carry around that porker all day, Heyooooooooo!
So I don't know if it makes me gay to say it, but Landry Fields can fucking GET IT. Not only has he been averaging 11 points, 5 boards, 3 assists, a three and one 'Holy Shit, I didn't know Landry could do it like that' moment a game since Lin took over, but it turns out he has the voice of Fergie mixed with Jesus too. Exactly what I'm looking for... out of my 2 guard.
Tough question for all you Jerry Thortons out there, huh? I can't tell you how many columns over on Barstool Boston that I have scrolled past the last few years that I assumed were rambling on and on about how Rexy and the Jets were a bunch of headline-creating ass clowns who haven't won anything, but act like they have. Welp guys, how does it feel now that the shoe's on the other foot?
Since taking over the Sawx, Bobby V has made a point out of how Michael Pineda faded down the stretch last year, how Kuroda is another year older and leaving a 'Great Pitching Park,' took jabs at both Jeter and A-rod during his farewell to Varitek, and even lashed out at Francona, telling Tito "Remember, you're getting paid over there for saying stuff, you get paid over here for doing stuff. I've done both."
My man, I don't know what planet you've been living on, but it's not Earth. Something must have been lost in translation when you came back from Japan, because winning a title over there doesn't count for shit. You're in America now, where losing to the Yanks in the World Series doesn't count as "doing stuff." It's just something 26 other teams have done. So, stop worrying about plays Jeter made while Tino Martinez was still playing first base, and maybe start worrying about how Beckett thinks that it wasn't the booze in the dugout, but "The snitching [expletive]"that was the real problem last year.
Okay, so obviously I have been out of the game for a few weeks now, and to be honest, I thought I was out for good. But the outcry has been loud and clear from the 3 or so people that read this blog... that without my semi-literate, haphazard, illogical rants, the air isn't as fresh, the water doesn't taste as crisp, but mostly that they have less things to kill time at work with.
So the watched pot is finally going to boil, and I'm back with the fire and fury of a thousand suns. The Champ is back and he's kickin' this thing into high gear. Got a whole bunch of new shit coming at you. And it's not just me... LOOK! Patty Shack even rebranded himself! (If you don't get Roll Tide, then one, you are an idiot, and two, click here). And he saw a lot of punch bugs!!!
So, uh yeah, we're back bitches. Just please do us a favor and tape your boners down or tuck them up into your belts so this doesn't get awkward.
So I took a little trip down to Washington DC this weekend to drink some beers and see the Celtics beat the Wizards. Only one of those things happened, and it had nothing to do with the Celts. HOWEVER, what I did see was absolutely more impressive than that phallic Washington Monument or giant statue of honest Abe. What was it, you ask? Oh just approximately 9000 VW Bugs rolling through town. Okay clearly not but I swear to god it was at least over 30. Blue ones, white ones, black ones, convertibles, you name it and it was there. Just insanity.
I was there for about 40 hours. So by some simple math just there we have a ratio of almost 1 VW Bug per 1 hour I was there. But then you have to think of the hours I slept each night (roughly 3 am - noon both nights) plus all the time I was inside (buddy's apt, bar, Celts game) to realize that in the amount of time it was humanly possible for me to see one - let's call it 4 hours (definitely a high estimate) - that ratio isn't even close. Just gonna take a conservative guesstimate of 28 cars seen. Do you realize what that means? 7 fucking VW Bugs per hour! Just preposterous. There truly is no upper limit on my guess for this ratio had I been outside the whole time.
So, two thoughts:
1. There has to be some explanation for this and I will not rest until I know what it is. Do government workers get some sort of crazy deal on them? Is there something about them that makes them handle the DC terrain better than others? Is it the gas mileage? Do they make it easier to spy? Is everyone that drives one a German embassy employee and they get them for free? I need answers now.
2. Special Ed decided to bring back the whole Punch Bug game about a year or two ago now. Thought he was really something else with it there for a while, too. Well let me tell you something. I am like Jordan in his prime right now with the Punch Bug game. Like Bobby Fischer on the chess table, Beethoven on the piano and Ali in the ring, all rolled into one. There is NO stopping me. I literally can't even remember the last time someone got me. Special Ed even admitted today that it's been a long time since he got me with one. Uhh yeah dude I guess it's been a "long time" ...ha just kidding, that doesn't even do it justice. I think I can pretty much just do it with my eyes closed at this point. Took a trip up to Boston with our boy RobbieMo and literally beat him 13-0. Thirteen to fucking zero bro, really? Not even gonna put up a fight? Plus half the trip was in the dark, probably woulda been at least a 20 spot had it been all daylight. I was honestly considering just trying to punch myself by the end of it because it would've made the game more challenging.
So I bring this up because if I were Special Ed or RobbieMo, I'd be thanking my fucking lucky stars that I didn't go on this trip with me. I'm not even joking 0.001% when I say I think I might've just shattered one of their Humerus bones into a million pieces. Woulda been running for cover and shit the whole time, callin they mamas and telling them about that big bad man with the head on a swivel and a good eye for a weird lookin car.
Honestly not even sure it's humanly possible to figure out what number we're on here. Think it's somewhere around 982, plus or minus a few. I've been on my regular hiatus between posts but in the past few weeks there have been several things I've seen about LBJ that made me say "what an asshole, I have to blog about that." But then I didn't because like I said, I was on my break. And nobody puts baby in a corner when he's on his break.
Anyway, what a colossal dick. And I'm not talking about the cake, either, though it is rather large and phallic now that I mention it. Who gets this cake for themselves? Ugh bro ugh.
Three things are jumping to mind:
1. That cake is ugly as fuck. Under no circumstances would I ever want this in my presence, let alone on my birthday. Guys take note, my bday is coming up.
2. It doesn't even look like it would be tasty. Rule#1 about birthday cakes: get a Carvel ice cream cake. That does not look like a carvel ice cream cake.
3. How in god's (the real one, not Charlie Whitehurst) name do you eat this thing? It looks like something I made in arts and crafts in kindergarten.
Other than that though I guess it's just fine. Putting a crown on your ugly ass bday cake and then tweeting it from your KINGJAMES twitter account isn't obnoxious at all. Sweet life.
PS - one of the other things I was going to blog about was LeBron saying he wouldn't change anything that he did in 2010. Loved that. Wonder if that includes choking in the playoffs?
PPS - yes I got this from Twitter. Watch out world, I'm figuring that shit out a bit more every day. Pattyshack comin in HOT in 2011.
TMZ- We're told Ryan and Scarlett are living apart. And we're told it's amicable. The rep for Ryan and Scarlett tells TMZ, "After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we've decided to end our marriage. We entered our relationship with love and it's with love and kindness we leave it. While privacy isn't expected, it's certainly appreciated."
Okay let's play a little game here. Ready?
Pattyshack : Audrina :: Special Ed : ?
A) Pizza
B) Lying on the couch
C) The Bills
D) Ryan Reynolds
Trick question. Answer is all of the above. But I'm lying on the couch (No longer have the laptop on the lap because I was informed that that'll fry your little swimmers), in a Bills T-Shirt, eating a slice of pizza.... and now I find out Ryan Reynolds is available? I'm pretty sure this is Inception. So thank you Mr. Architect, December 14th might now be better than my birthday.
Haha how do you like me know Patty Shack? Red is White, Blue is Black... Yup, and up is down and left is right motherfucker.
But so much for New York City being a melting pot, huh? Map looks as segragated as the 1950s. And yeah it says that this is done from the 2000 census, but I'm telling you right now this still holds up in 2010. 96th street on the East side is the border between two different worlds.
And the best part is that booze is cheaper in the green/blue areas. The Rite Aide on 96th and 2nd has 18 racks of Bud Light for $12 and 12ers of Natty for 6 bucks. You go 2 blocks south and that same beer will cost you $18.99 plus tax, deposit, your right arm and your first born son. And a handle of Georgie? Fahgettaboutit. Saved myself about 3 theoritical paychecks going up to 104th street to buy the booze for our housewarming.
Okay, first things first. How the hell is there an electric eel and an alligator together? I looked it up, alligators live in North America and in China. Electric eels live in South America. So I'm alreaedy frazzled by this. Secondly, how the FUCK does an electric eel work? Like, they always tell you not to put the radio next to the bath tub because you can fry your brains out, but here is this fish kinda thing swimming in water and just electricuting the shit outta things. How does that make any gd sense?
Regardless, alligators and crocodiles are bitches. I tried to fight this reptile-fucker in Jamaica but he wasn't having it. Probably just recognized the alpha male when he saw me.
I just looked over the home page and realized that since I got back into the game, I have been writing NOVELS for blog posts. Don't worry, I'm with you. I can't focus long enough to read more than 50 words in a row without there being some sort of picture or video to interupt the mind-numbing dullness of reading. I'll do my best to get my spit-a-gummy-bear-out-your-nose hilarious points across in less words so I don't get the Too Long Did Not Read treatment. My bad.
THE LOOKOUT- Twenty-seven strains of bacteria have formed a destructive blob of icicle-like "rusticles" that are slowly eating the historic wreckage of the RMS Titanic steamship.
Canadian researchers told OurAmazingPlanet that the rusticles may completely destroy the remains of the ship within 15 years. Using DNA technology, the scientists discovered a new strain of bacteria among the rusticles. They named the life-forms Halomonas titanicae.
First the iceberg and now a desctructive blob of bacteria? Can't the Titanic catch a freakin' break!?!
To be straight with you, At first I didn't give two fucks about the Titanic's remains being destroyed. Didn't even give one fuck. I never liked how I could never live up to Jack in the eyes of my middle school girlfriends anyway. But then I read it was suffering from "rusticles" and my entire heart went out to the corpse of the Titanic.
If there is anyone in the world who can relate to being destroyed by rusticles, it's me. I'm pretty sure there are kids born in the Second Bush Administration that have got more action than me in the last 6 months. I passed the point where I could joke about retiring my cock a few months back. Now, we're at the point of comparing my frank and beans to my appendix. Yeah, it's been so long since they've been used that I kinda forgot what they were ever used for. And if they were removed I wouldn't miss a beat. So yeah, I feelya Titanic, we're in the same boat (Hahaha can't IMAGINE why I can't get laid layin' lines like that).
WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama apparently hasn't had a cigarette since March, but the White House stopped short Thursday of declaring that he has officially kicked the habit bedeviling millions of Americans.
"I have not seen or witnessed evidence of any smoking in probably nine months," White House press secretary Robert Gibbs replied when asked at his regular media briefing about Obama's habit.
Just another thing to add to the list of things President Obama hasn't done since being elected. Ba Da Bum Chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Ummm... Guys? Who's fucking with me? If you are going to launch a viral video of me teaching people how to be an unemployee, the least you could do is give me a heads up. I mean, I have been walking around the streets of New York, wondering why everybody was pointing at me and asking me for my autograph. I just figured people were mistaking me for Jake Gyllenhaal again.
Turns out I'm actually famous on my own. And I gotta hand it to myself here, I really nailed a few huge points about being unemployed. I mean, I'm right, the hours are great. I'm sitting here at 1:33am blogging. Probably won't wake up till at least noon tomorrow. Yeah suck it bitches, and I don't work on Fridays or Monday mornings either.
I wish I had expanded on the dress code a little, such as pants never get dirty so there's no need to waste room in the washing machine and dryer on them. Might be the difference between doing 2 loads of laundry instead of 3. Again, it's all about saving money. Also, if you run out of boxers, turn a pair of your old ones inside out, or wear mesh shorts instead. And shaving is the absolute worst, so I don't think I needed to mention that bit about not being well groomed. Plus, bitches get moist over the scruffy look.
My point about laptops being on your lap and working from your bed or from the couch should be written in the Unemployed Bible. I would say anywhere between 92 and 94 percent of my day is spent on either of those two pieces of furniture with my laptop firmly implanted on my lap. And seriously avoid the leather office chair. I only sit on Pattyshacks chair in his room/my office in case of a true emergency where productivity is required.
The only two criticisms that I would give myself is that it is called funemployment and funemployee. Don't know where my head was on that one. I really dropped the ball and I apologize. And fuck checking that Twitter shit. Pretty sure the only updates I would get would be from Pattyshack telling the world about his ham and cheese sandwhich. Seriously, my Twitter experts tell me that Patty is horrible at Twitter, which I believe is the same thing as saying the kid sucks dick at sucking dick.
Just FYI, that isn't actually me in the video, I'm much better looking than that assclown. But I'm pretty sure that IS my couch.
Oooooooooohhh, I get it now. Han was the scruffy little herb-nerder! Why didn't someone go find Luke? If you got a ghost tellin' you not to do it, don't do it homes! Luke was a step ahead! It was all about the love!
But real talk, I watched that HBO stand-up special and that shit was terrible. Possibly, nope definitely the most disappointing hour of my life. Worse than when I found out Santa wasn't real and that there was no magic in this world, just liars and damn liars. I fucking love Tracy Morgan and had a huge humor boner when I was scrolling through the guide and saw he had a comedy special on HBO. On 30 Rock and SNL, Tracy Morgan is not piss your pants funny, he's shit in your pants funny. But Mr. Right and I watched his HBO stand-up and we actually changed the channel about half way through. And we were already pretty wasted so Tracy had home field advantage and everything. We were completely the white guys in the audience going 'What's going on," but I'm telling you right now Tracy Morgan, it hurt me way more than it hurt you.
... No coincidence that the Denver Broncos head coaching job is open, right? You know, the team that drafted Saint Tim Tebow in the first round last year? Yeah there could be absolutely no correlation between these two events.
There is no harder fact than that Meyer has the gay for Tebow. If I had been blogging at this time last year, when he decided to step down because of a "heart condition," I would have made the joke that it was heartbreak from his lover Tebow going to the pros. I had completely conviced myself that he was stepping down from Florida last year to coach the Bills, and that he was going to ruin the next decade of my life by using our first round pick to select Tebow. Luckily, 24 hours later Meyer reconsidered and Pattyshack talked me back off of the ledge.
Regardless, Meyer better be dead serious about walking away from Florida this time around. I mean we are finally getting rid of Brett Farve's waffling ass. Sports fans DO NOT need anyone to fill that 'I'm retiring, I'm coming back' void. Although, a Meyer-Tebow sexting scandal would be pretty hilarious, well at least at first.
