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The Bygone Bureau: The Best New Blogs of 2010: Editors Kevin Nguyen and Nick Martens talk with fellow bloggers about favorite new additions to their RSS readers.

So I obviously didn't read this whole string of nonsense but I most certainly scanned the list and I most certainly noticed one glaring omission. I'll give you a hint I write for it like 15 times/year! (And no it's not my Twitter account I hit that shit up all the time people love to hear my thoughts!!!!!.)

Just to make sure I wasn't overlooking anything I of course did my due diligence with a quick little Apple+F and alas, no mentions of the word 'meat' anywhere on that page. What the fuck is with this? All the names of the blogs they choose are not NEARLY as witty as this one so I'm pretty sure by the transitive property or something like that it means the stuff they write isn't nearly as good. Seems like a pretty logical conclusion. I just don't get it.

On second thought, if those colorful people above are the ones that are choosing this prestigious award, maybe it's for the best we're not on there. Looks like my high school math team up there, I don't want them reading my shit. Just kidding I was on my high school math team so we looked fuckin hot.

Try and Tell Me This Shit Wasn't on Purpose

Husband's Play Punch On Wife Goes Wrong - Watch more Funny Videos

If you have ever lived with a girl, you know for damn certain that this guy fully intended on connecting full force with this haymaker. Oh yeah, Sweetheart! I promise I won't actually hit you! What I'm gonna do is, just wind up and....... BOOM gotcha bitch! Next time don't send me a text message while I'm at church that the toilet seat is up and that we're out of tp.

I'm Now a Tool

Ladies and Meatheads, if you didn't think I was a tool before for writing, you now have my permission to consider me one. I dropped my cell phone in a cup of coffee about 10 days ago, and it became the Hellen Keller of phones (and YES I put it in a bag of rice). I could txt, but the clear button was stuck pressed down so it was a race against the clock to finish typing, and I could make and receive calls, but I couldn't talk into the phone or hear what the other person was saying.

So today, when I needed to return my important business phone calls and couldnt because I had a deaf mute for a phone, I texted Patty Shack where I could find the nearest Verizon store. Once he informed me that it was literally across the street, I walked and caved to the pressure to get a BlackBerry.

I got the Curve, but I'm technology retarded so don't try to BBM, SMS or MMS me or any of that shit, because I still don't know how to Reply All on emails works. Ergo, I obviously don't know how to use a damned BlackBerry. All I know is I'm gonna be breaking bricks till the cows come home and writing emails that say Sent From My Verizon Wireless BlackBerry like all the rest of the people that I hate.

PS- Don't judge me, Patty Shack got Twatter. You can follow him @BenedictPatickArnold.

This is getting fun!!!!!!!!!!!

(Get it? He doesn't have a Yankees hat on!)

ESPN - New York Yankees general manager Brian Cashman said Tuesday that the Yankees have made a "fair and appropriate" contract offer to Derek Jeter and suggested that if the 36-year-old shortstop thinks otherwise, he should shop himself around to find out.

"We understand his contributions to the franchise and our offer has taken them into account," Cashman told ESPNNewYork.com. "We've encouraged him to test the market and see if there's something he would prefer other than this. If he can, fine. That's the way it works."...Two weeks ago, owner Hal Steinbrenner acknowledged that the talks to retain Jeter, who is coming off a 10-year, $189 million contract as well as the worst offensive season of his career, "might get messy."

"As much as we want to keep everybody, we've already made these guys very, very rich, and I don't feel we owe anybody anything monetarily," the Yankees co-chairman said Tuesday. "Some of these players are wealthier than their bosses."

Oh man this is getting a million times more entertaining than I expected! I mean of course these guys weren't going to be on the same page with this whole thing from the start - Jeter's entire value to the Yankees at this point is his legacy there. The Yanks actually made a pretty respectable offer (allegedly 3 years, $45 million...yeah I guess I could go for that to play baseball) that no one else will touch unless another team just wants to piss the Yankees off which I am hoping beyond hope happens. But here are the two sides we have here:

1. Jeter's camp. His agent is posturing with all this "he's given so much to this organization" blah blah blah. But I mean he does make a point. Jeter can't play anywhere else, it would be way too weird. Plus, since he's washed up, this is really the only card he has to play, aside from the whole leadership aspect. Problem is, the Yankees know all this. Which brings us to team numero dos...

2. Hal, Hank and the Cash Man. Why would they offer a 36-year-old defensively-challenged shortstop coming off the worst offensive season of his career a penny more than they have to? As dumb as these guys may look:

...it turns out they're actually pretty smart. They can play the whole "we've been good to you, our dad was good to you, and ohbytheway we just offered you $3mill/year more than anyone else will" story. They obviously don't want this guy on their roster when he's 40+ years old, especially given his downward trending stats. Regardless of his legacy, that makes sense to me.

Basically, Jeter's fucked. He probably won't get more money anywhere else, but he can't go back and look like a pussy by accepting this offer a week from now. As much as it pains me to say it, the Yanks have played this one pretty well. He's ending up in the Bronx. I can say that with 95% certainty. Maybe they'll give in a bit to show the Captain some respect, but they've set a pretty good path from the start and might end up getting him for relatively cheap. Whatever.

Orrrrrrrrr maybe Theo and the Sox will make him some sort of godfather offer that he can't refuse so that he and Boston can really stick it to NY. Although like I just said, that would make no sense. And I don't want to root for his decrepit ass anyway. Ever heard of Marco Scutaro?

But can't I just go to Sturdy Wings?

Popcrunch - A mentally-disturbed man convicted of stalking reality personality Audrina Patridge was sentenced to 24 months in a California State Prison on Thursday.

Hey guess what turns out jail's not so bad! They have Wi-Fi and I haven't gotten raped yet and I'm making so many friends! Plus, now I can just spend all my time blogging so I'm sure all you loyal readers are just thrilled.

Just kidding suckers! Turns out I'm not even remotely the craziest stalker out there after all. So for everyone worried (and rightfully so) that this was me, fear no more. First of all this dude was squarely in his mid twenties right at the ripe age of 25. I am NOT in my mid-twenties, thank you very much. Second, the nutjob motherfucker apparently showed up at Audrina's door with a knife in his backpack and with a bunch of drawings - one of which included a chick being strangled. Ummm what? Aren't stalkers supposed to really like the people (read: NOT want to kill) they stalk? I guess I'm just way off my stalking etiquette game. Thought I was an up-and-coming prospect but clearly I gotta hit the spring training field a bit harder next year. Don't worry though I'll get there!

Richard Seymour hates rapers

Well look at Richard Seymour standing up for all the ladies out there! What a moment for women's rights this was. Just beautiful.

This all went down after Ben threw a 22 yard TD pass to Emmanuel Sanders. I can't really read his lips but I'm pretty certain it's a safe bet that he ran up to Seymour after it and said something along the lines of "that's how I'm going to score on your sister later" and clearly Richie did not take kindly to these words. Good for him.

One thing we did learn is that it's quite clear why Ben preys on inebriated young ladies rather than any dudes when he hits the bar. Guy clearly can't take a punch. Bro I thought your nickname was Big Ben? For some reason that always suggested some sort of toughness to me. Dude fell like a Georgia co-ed trapped in a bathroom out there.

PS - bet Seymour's wife was really turned on by his compassionate act. Oh wait nevermind she was probably turned on for other reasons...I think that's probably who he learned the move from.

PPS - When a reporter asked Roethlisberger after the game what he said to make Seymour flip, he said he told him "Let's go get ready for the extra point!" What a load of shit that is! Does he really expect anyone to believe that?

Ryan Reynolds is the Sexiest Man Alive

Ummmmmmmmmm, Duh?

FINALLY

As you might’ve noticed by now, this is not a blog about meat. Don’t get me wrong, I love a nice hunk of beef as much as the next guy, but the closest thing we got in these parts is that meathead Special Ed (well I’m certainly a hunk but that’s neither here nor there). So, you might be wondering, why “Is My Meat Done Yet?” And why the fuck did it take you so long to explain it? Turns out I have a pretty good answer to the first question. Not so much for the second, so I’m just gonna pretend that one never came up.

My Meat was born nearly two years ago (holy shit) when I was cookin’ up a mean meal in the greatest dorm/suite/apartment the world has ever seen. Standard dish of chicken/steak/porkchops with pasta or rice and some veggies. Throw in a few of the closest spices and boom roasted you got a delicious dinner.

So like every night, I called one of my dear friends over with a simple question: “Is my meat done yet?” And nice, polite dicks that they were and are, everyone first made fun of me and then eventually one of them came over to give me thumbs up or thumbs down on the meat situation. And one of our boys, lil Nicky, was like “Bro that should be the title of a blog or something.” Well ask and you shall receive (2 years later) my friend!

Why did they have to do this, you ask? Pattyshack are you some kind of retard? Well actually yes I am. I have a disability that plagues me day and night and makes me a running joke in the design studio at my office. Oh and doesn’t allow me to chase my childhood dream of being a pilot (just kidding, flying is for the birds!...get it? It’s because birds fly.)

If you aren’t with me so far, I’m colorblind. And colorblindness is NOT a joke. First, the basics. I know your jeans are blue. Stop making this the first question you ask when you find out my interesting fact during an icebreaker. I know grass is green. I know an orange is orange. I know a red light from a green light at an intersection because I’m not fucking dumb – one’s on top and one’s on the bottom bitch! I’m colorblind, not regular blind.

Okay now what can’t I do? First, I can’t tell you what number I’m supposed to see in this:

(No, I can't)

I probably can’t pick the color you want out of a crayon box. I probably won’t know that when everyone at my cousin’s wedding is complimenting me on how good I look, my tie is predominantly pink, not gray.

I will most certainly not be able to color my maps in 9^th grade Geography class the same way they are colored in the book.

And I won’t be able to tell if my meat is done yet. Lucky for you, all you get out of my misfortune is a hilarious blog. But because I’m such a saint, I’m okay with that. I’ll just keep living my life eating potentially hazardous meat and pumping out a post every two months or so. Don’t mind me.

I just puked everywhere

ESPN.com - Jeter won for the fifth time at shortstop -- at 36, the New York Yankees captain is the oldest AL shortstop to win the Gold Glove since Luis Aparicio was the same age in 1970. Only Ozzie Smith, Omar Vizquel, Aparicio and Mark Belanger have won more total Gold Gloves at shortstop than Jeter.

"It is a tremendous honor to receive the Gold Glove award, especially since this recognition comes from managers and coaches for whom I have a great deal of respect. It is particularly gratifying to be recognized for defense, as it is something I take a lot of pride in and am constantly working to improve," Jeter said in a statement.

This has to be a joke right? Like no one actually thinks Derek Jeter is a good fielder right? Well obviously no one that knows anything about baseball thinks that, so I'm sure PrincesSA does because she is not a fan. But for real, does his fucking jump throw have some sort of hypnotic powers? Does it just trick people into thinking that he's a good defensive baseball player?

Obviously this award has become laughable. As the ESPN article goes on to point out, Jeter is CONSISTENTLY ranked in the bottom half of any defensive metrics that actually figure out whether a player is a good fielder or not. Pretty sure these "Gold" Gloves are just awarded to players with the fewest errors slash most popularity. Do you know why Jeter makes the fewest errors? BECAUSE HE DOESN'T GET TO HALF THE BALLS OTHER SHORTSTOPS DO. So he can't make a fucking error if he never gets near the ball!!!!!! Get it now?

While I do respect Jeter - partly for his time on the diamond, partly because he's seemingly banged every hot girl in the universe - I go to sleep every night praying Hal and Hank play hardball with him this offseason and he leaves town for another team (I'm sure Minka wouldn't mind living in LA?)

Eat shit Derek!

Wheelchair Man is Real Life Joe Swanson from Family Guy

Guy In Wheelchair Stops Robber - Watch more Funny Videos

So I guess people in wheelchairs aren't completely useless afterall... I just assumed that Joe Swanson was kinda like Brian or Stewie on Family Guy, in that its impossible for a dog or a baby to talk, and that its impossible for a person in a wheelchair to be a functioning member in society. This is like seeing a pig fly or a white running back run for 184 yards and 2 touchdowns against the Patriots. But seriously tho, wheelchair guy rocks the shit in this one. Almost makes up for this guy.



God, if you're reading this, I'm only kidding... Please don't take my legs from me, I'll say as many Hail Mary's and Our Father's as it takes.