TMZ- We're told Ryan and Scarlett are living apart. And we're told it's amicable. The rep for Ryan and Scarlett tells TMZ, "After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we've decided to end our marriage. We entered our relationship with love and it's with love and kindness we leave it. While privacy isn't expected, it's certainly appreciated."
Okay let's play a little game here. Ready?
Pattyshack : Audrina :: Special Ed : ?
A) Pizza
B) Lying on the couch
C) The Bills
D) Ryan Reynolds
Trick question. Answer is all of the above. But I'm lying on the couch (No longer have the laptop on the lap because I was informed that that'll fry your little swimmers), in a Bills T-Shirt, eating a slice of pizza.... and now I find out Ryan Reynolds is available? I'm pretty sure this is Inception. So thank you Mr. Architect, December 14th might now be better than my birthday.
Haha how do you like me know Patty Shack? Red is White, Blue is Black... Yup, and up is down and left is right motherfucker.
But so much for New York City being a melting pot, huh? Map looks as segragated as the 1950s. And yeah it says that this is done from the 2000 census, but I'm telling you right now this still holds up in 2010. 96th street on the East side is the border between two different worlds.
And the best part is that booze is cheaper in the green/blue areas. The Rite Aide on 96th and 2nd has 18 racks of Bud Light for $12 and 12ers of Natty for 6 bucks. You go 2 blocks south and that same beer will cost you $18.99 plus tax, deposit, your right arm and your first born son. And a handle of Georgie? Fahgettaboutit. Saved myself about 3 theoritical paychecks going up to 104th street to buy the booze for our housewarming.
Okay, first things first. How the hell is there an electric eel and an alligator together? I looked it up, alligators live in North America and in China. Electric eels live in South America. So I'm alreaedy frazzled by this. Secondly, how the FUCK does an electric eel work? Like, they always tell you not to put the radio next to the bath tub because you can fry your brains out, but here is this fish kinda thing swimming in water and just electricuting the shit outta things. How does that make any gd sense?
Regardless, alligators and crocodiles are bitches. I tried to fight this reptile-fucker in Jamaica but he wasn't having it. Probably just recognized the alpha male when he saw me.
I just looked over the home page and realized that since I got back into the game, I have been writing NOVELS for blog posts. Don't worry, I'm with you. I can't focus long enough to read more than 50 words in a row without there being some sort of picture or video to interupt the mind-numbing dullness of reading. I'll do my best to get my spit-a-gummy-bear-out-your-nose hilarious points across in less words so I don't get the Too Long Did Not Read treatment. My bad.
THE LOOKOUT- Twenty-seven strains of bacteria have formed a destructive blob of icicle-like "rusticles" that are slowly eating the historic wreckage of the RMS Titanic steamship.
Canadian researchers told OurAmazingPlanet that the rusticles may completely destroy the remains of the ship within 15 years. Using DNA technology, the scientists discovered a new strain of bacteria among the rusticles. They named the life-forms Halomonas titanicae.
First the iceberg and now a desctructive blob of bacteria? Can't the Titanic catch a freakin' break!?!
To be straight with you, At first I didn't give two fucks about the Titanic's remains being destroyed. Didn't even give one fuck. I never liked how I could never live up to Jack in the eyes of my middle school girlfriends anyway. But then I read it was suffering from "rusticles" and my entire heart went out to the corpse of the Titanic.
If there is anyone in the world who can relate to being destroyed by rusticles, it's me. I'm pretty sure there are kids born in the Second Bush Administration that have got more action than me in the last 6 months. I passed the point where I could joke about retiring my cock a few months back. Now, we're at the point of comparing my frank and beans to my appendix. Yeah, it's been so long since they've been used that I kinda forgot what they were ever used for. And if they were removed I wouldn't miss a beat. So yeah, I feelya Titanic, we're in the same boat (Hahaha can't IMAGINE why I can't get laid layin' lines like that).
WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama apparently hasn't had a cigarette since March, but the White House stopped short Thursday of declaring that he has officially kicked the habit bedeviling millions of Americans.
"I have not seen or witnessed evidence of any smoking in probably nine months," White House press secretary Robert Gibbs replied when asked at his regular media briefing about Obama's habit.
Just another thing to add to the list of things President Obama hasn't done since being elected. Ba Da Bum Chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Ummm... Guys? Who's fucking with me? If you are going to launch a viral video of me teaching people how to be an unemployee, the least you could do is give me a heads up. I mean, I have been walking around the streets of New York, wondering why everybody was pointing at me and asking me for my autograph. I just figured people were mistaking me for Jake Gyllenhaal again.
Turns out I'm actually famous on my own. And I gotta hand it to myself here, I really nailed a few huge points about being unemployed. I mean, I'm right, the hours are great. I'm sitting here at 1:33am blogging. Probably won't wake up till at least noon tomorrow. Yeah suck it bitches, and I don't work on Fridays or Monday mornings either.
I wish I had expanded on the dress code a little, such as pants never get dirty so there's no need to waste room in the washing machine and dryer on them. Might be the difference between doing 2 loads of laundry instead of 3. Again, it's all about saving money. Also, if you run out of boxers, turn a pair of your old ones inside out, or wear mesh shorts instead. And shaving is the absolute worst, so I don't think I needed to mention that bit about not being well groomed. Plus, bitches get moist over the scruffy look.
My point about laptops being on your lap and working from your bed or from the couch should be written in the Unemployed Bible. I would say anywhere between 92 and 94 percent of my day is spent on either of those two pieces of furniture with my laptop firmly implanted on my lap. And seriously avoid the leather office chair. I only sit on Pattyshacks chair in his room/my office in case of a true emergency where productivity is required.
The only two criticisms that I would give myself is that it is called funemployment and funemployee. Don't know where my head was on that one. I really dropped the ball and I apologize. And fuck checking that Twitter shit. Pretty sure the only updates I would get would be from Pattyshack telling the world about his ham and cheese sandwhich. Seriously, my Twitter experts tell me that Patty is horrible at Twitter, which I believe is the same thing as saying the kid sucks dick at sucking dick.
Just FYI, that isn't actually me in the video, I'm much better looking than that assclown. But I'm pretty sure that IS my couch.
Oooooooooohhh, I get it now. Han was the scruffy little herb-nerder! Why didn't someone go find Luke? If you got a ghost tellin' you not to do it, don't do it homes! Luke was a step ahead! It was all about the love!
But real talk, I watched that HBO stand-up special and that shit was terrible. Possibly, nope definitely the most disappointing hour of my life. Worse than when I found out Santa wasn't real and that there was no magic in this world, just liars and damn liars. I fucking love Tracy Morgan and had a huge humor boner when I was scrolling through the guide and saw he had a comedy special on HBO. On 30 Rock and SNL, Tracy Morgan is not piss your pants funny, he's shit in your pants funny. But Mr. Right and I watched his HBO stand-up and we actually changed the channel about half way through. And we were already pretty wasted so Tracy had home field advantage and everything. We were completely the white guys in the audience going 'What's going on," but I'm telling you right now Tracy Morgan, it hurt me way more than it hurt you.
... No coincidence that the Denver Broncos head coaching job is open, right? You know, the team that drafted Saint Tim Tebow in the first round last year? Yeah there could be absolutely no correlation between these two events.
There is no harder fact than that Meyer has the gay for Tebow. If I had been blogging at this time last year, when he decided to step down because of a "heart condition," I would have made the joke that it was heartbreak from his lover Tebow going to the pros. I had completely conviced myself that he was stepping down from Florida last year to coach the Bills, and that he was going to ruin the next decade of my life by using our first round pick to select Tebow. Luckily, 24 hours later Meyer reconsidered and Pattyshack talked me back off of the ledge.
Regardless, Meyer better be dead serious about walking away from Florida this time around. I mean we are finally getting rid of Brett Farve's waffling ass. Sports fans DO NOT need anyone to fill that 'I'm retiring, I'm coming back' void. Although, a Meyer-Tebow sexting scandal would be pretty hilarious, well at least at first.
Haha love metal shop kids. And I'm not talking about the Ivy League Mechanical Engineers I went to school with, who knew how to fix transfunctions and shit. I'm talking about the kids in high school who would put vodka in their orange juice bottles they carried around with them in school and would bet each other $50 on a game of rock paper scissors. I don't have nearly enough complete idiots in my life. No one I know is gonna stick their foot in a laude and get flipped the fuck over. Just never going to happen. The best thing I have going is that Mr. Right sounds like Charlie from Always Sunny when he drinks.
