Who the Hell is Taylor Momsen?

I'm not even playing dumb here, I honestly had no idea who this chick was when I started this video and had to ask my roommates. My boy, Mr. Right just nonchalantly responds, "Oh, isn't she that girl from Gossip Girl who is in that punk band and is tired of sex already?" I didn't think much of it as I'm watching the little goth girl in the fishnets singing about how something makes her want to die when HOLY SOCKS she just pulled down her top and showed off the milk-makers in front of a live audience...

Okay, so now she had my undivided attention and I had to pull up some research on her. Oh, she was Cindy Lou Who in the Grinch Who Stole Christmas, that's nice. She was in Spy Kids 2, yup theres Gossip Girl, her band is called The Pretty Reckless, I get it.... Wait a minute, SWEET BABY JESUS she was born in 1993! Quick! X out of the tab where theres the pic of her with only black tape over her nipples (you would click on that, pervert).

Do I Even Have to Say it?

Female Police Officer Hit By Semi - Watch more Funny Videos

First of all, rest in peace Mrs. Officer, the angels callin' ya and the sunrise be for ya. But quick question, don't you have to apply for a separate liscense to be able to drive a motorcycle? I'm like 97% sure you do. I still consider it a minor miracle every time a girl passes the regular road test, well, because they have to parallel park and make left hand turns and all. So, I feel like it should just be a Federal law that chicks should not be allowed on motorcycles. I mean this woman drove directly into an oncoming semi, so I think it's safe to say that it's in the public's best interest to keep women on at least four wheels for a while.

So What Were You Doing When You Were 9?

This is Willow Smith, Will Smith's 9 year old daughter. And to answer the question, at 9 years old, I was 109 pounds and easily the fattest kid on the 12 year old Williamsville Air Force football team. I was the last one to finish laps around the field and got the wind knocked out of me 105 times throughout the season. I was certainly not producing hot fire singles and music videos, thats for damn sure. But I also sang like the chipmunk sounding voice in an Akon song, so there you have it.

Update: I also did not dress like this, unfortunately.

Need to Lose Weight? Try Breast Feeding!!!

How in the world is this not a SNL commercial? It just seems right in the wheel house of Oops I Crapped My Pants. But 500 calories a day? For real? Sign me the F up! Do you know how much I hate running? How many questions can I ask in one blog??? But seriously, if I could trade in 2 hours of aerobic exercising for having a child suck on my nips, I would do it so fast it'd give you whiplash and turn your insides out. Unbelievable, girls have it so easy.

Work it J-Lo!!!

So I've taken a lot of shit over the past couple years for not being an ass-man (I'm looking directly into your soul Jsmiles). But this is exactly why I'll take small athletic looking girls a thousand out of a thousand times over a girl with a big ass. The ass don't last my friends. Sure it might be fun to smush it now, but you find yourself a girl with an apple bottom bum and I'll show you a girl that is going to cripple your dick with her cellulite by the time she's in her late 30's. I think thatt's Newton's fourth law of gravity or something.

Kick Ball! It's Goin' the Other Way!

One-handed ally-oop at University of Buffalo @ Yahoo! Video

And the 3 people at Alumni Arena go WILD!!! So on the dl, I used to take all my math classes at University at Buffalo from 6th grade to 11th grade. I was a HUGE dork. God, I need an iPhone or some bull to show you what my UB ID card looks like. Picture a 11 year old Drew Carey before he was on the Price is Right. And praise Jesus for that. Have you seen that cat lately? He is my motivation to not diet and exercise. I'd much rather stay jolly, fat and happy than look like him aka like I was touched by death.

But Where was the Marching Band?

Amazing, crazy end to football game @ Yahoo! Video

Alright, I'm a little impartial to kickoffs returned for touchdowns that are a little bit controversial (You know, because of the whole Frank Wycheck forward lateral during the Touchdown Throwback in Music City Miracle thing), but that kid was CERTAINLY down with about a minute left in the video. I mean he was more down than Jay Sean ft. Lil Wayne.

If I was on the black team, well first of all I make one of those freakin' tackle while the play is going on, but I also would tackle the shit out of the kid who starts climbing on the goal post after the play. That has got to be the first time a player, not a fan, has tried to pull down the goal post.... while his team was still losing.

And...

Boulder Smash Nut Shot - Watch more Funny Videos

That's how Darwinism works.

This Horse is Amazing

Shut up woman! Get on my horse!

Four Lions US Trailer

Alright, so this British director Chris Morris' first feature length film, Four Lions, that apparently tore up the Sundance Festival and got all sorts of rave reviews. It's been picked up and going on a limited US theatrical run on November 5th... blah, blah, blah I'm gonna just come out in say it, this trailer is not funny.

I mean the concept of a Jihad comedy and making light of the whole terrorism thing sounds hilarious in concept, but I'm pretty sure the South Park guys covered that years ago with Team America. You take the concept away from this move, and isn't this just another slap stick comedy with blowing up birds and shooting bazookas backwards? I'll never understand critics of any kind. And living with a girl who thinks she's a food critic? THERE IS NOTHING WORSE. The rosemary flavor accentuates the crunchiness of the crust! No it doesn't. Shut up and eat your pizza.

But back to the point, I gotta write a movie one of these days and get paid for my knee-slapping writing skills. There is no way my movie wouldn't be better than 90% of the crap out there. I mean I'm pretty sure the writers of I Love You, Beth Cooper, Megan's Body and Robin Hood all have toilet seats of gold and baby grand pianos that play themselves. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here spittin' hot fire and whoring myself out for free and I don't even have a Yakbak.