Okay, take it from a guy who's been there. When your new roommate wants to go to the Statue of Liberty on a day when the Watch Tower outside of your window flashes HELL right after it flashes 9:32 am, say ABSOLUTELY GODDAMN NOT in the most polite way you can.
For those of you that do not know me well enough, I sweat. A LOT. It's not kosher. I've actually had to go to Rite Aide to buy a 3 pack of Fruit of the Looms white t-shirts because I sweated through my shirt on the way to the party. I also packed an extra shirt to the 4th of July BBQ I went to this weekend. So guess what happened when I waited in line for the ferry to see Lady Liberty for an hour and a half, in blistering 102 degree heat, packed in with around 1000 other people? And yes, I see the assholery in bitching about standing in line for a couple hours to crowd into a boat to go to Ellis Island.
So yeah, you could have solved water crises in at least two 3rd world countries by ringing out my shirt. I was actually praying that the terrorists would bomb Liberty Island and spare me the slow and painful death of sweating to death. It was a minor miracle that I lived to tell this tale.
Well at least its supposed to cool down tomorrow...
Gyan you BLEW IT!!! Hope you still come over for Sunday dinner though.
Well first of all that was BOOTY that the Uragay defender stopped the goal at the end with his hand. Ref shoulda just awarded the goal and the Ghana-ria chant could have lived to see another day. Regardless, Asamoah Gyan pulled a Scott Norwood (sharp pain just shot through my body) and shanked the game winner. Then the rest of the Black Stars sucked in PKs and they go home to their goats. Serves them right for the racist team name.
And yes, I spell and pronounce it Uragay. It's way funnier that way.
Yahoo-While the hole in the Earth's protective ozone layer is slowly healing, its recovery might have a downside, scientists say: Climate change could change wind patterns and send ozone from high in the atmosphere down to the surface, where it is a major component of smog.... As more and more ozone is replenished in the stratosphere it will also have more opportunities to seep into the air we breathe.
Well that certainly backfired on all you tree-huggers, didn't it?. Raise your hand if you saw that one coming. Oh I'm the only with my hand up? WHY AM I SHOCKED? Think I set hippies on fire because they annoy the fuck out of me with their save the environment bullshit? Nope, just trying to save the human race from being poisoned from ozone.
PS- If I die from the Save the Ozone movement, I'm going to go ape shit nuts on all the dirty dread-locked tie-dyed potheads in Hell. I'm looking at you Al Gore.
Just another thing about soccer that I don't get. Why do the bench players have to wear vests like they are crossing gaurds? Did they collect tickets before the game? Are they making fun of the players that aren't good enough to start? Because that shit would be hillarious. Or maybe they are the stab proof vests they are selling outside the stadium? I clearly don't get this soccer thing at all. I can't wait for the World Cup to be over so that all you people who are more "cultured" than I am can just go away.
So this apparently is Lady Gaga's new "alter ego", Jo Calderone. Also known as Lady Gaga was a man and always has been. I hope all you out there go one circle lower in hell for each time you beat off to shim in one of those weird ass outfits. In a completely unrelated note, please keep me in your prayers.
So my funemployment plan, other than to entertain you slaves to the man with my witty writing, was to find Megan Fox, make her fall in love with me, and the bang the shit out of her. Well that just got a little harder (that's what she said).
TMZ (and no I don't read that shit)-Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green tied the knot late last week in Hawaii, a source tells Star exclusively! “They had a fairly large wedding, but there were clearly more security people than guests! They had so many security people that they had to call in local security because the hotel security alone wouldn’t do. It was very hush hush. Everyone was sworn to secrecy.”
Don't worry Megan, I like a challenge. Don't think this will slow me down, well no more than every pint of dublin mudslide I eat to cope with this will.
Alright kids, I am now 100% funemployed and am free to be about 14% dedicated to getting this blog back up on it's feet. And I figured while I was in the saving things mood, I'd give Soccer a shot. J Christ, I've watched an awful lot of that wretched swine (singular form of the word) of a sport -it's the only thing on tv during the day, not because I wanted to- and HOLY SHIT it's not only boring, but the rules suck too. Soccer being the #1 sport in the world only reaffirms that the rest of the world is a 3rd world country and that they're opinions don't matter. But okay, here we go, I'll try and perform a minor miracle and save the game of soccer.
1. Mic up the players. Did you know that US Goalie has Tourette's? He should not only have been mic'ed, there shoulda been a picture in picture screen on him in case he started twitching out. I would have been glued to the tv set for whatever the metric equivalent to 90 minutes is.
2. Stop it with the offsides. That rule sucks. Yeah, I know that it's meant to stop cherry picking, and I get that. Cherry picking is the worst. But watching goals disallowed because a goalie was trying to make a save
is stupid, even if it was "the right call." Change the rule to something like lacrosse, where each team is required to keep at least three players on each side on the field at all times. This would require 3 defenders to always be back marking the cherry pickers and would open up the offensive end by not allowing teams to Stuff the Box (grow up). Someone over the past couple weeks told me that the great part of soccer is how difficult it is to score a goal. Child Please. If I wanted to watch people not score I'd spend my weekend nights watching Pattyshack try to talk to girls.
3. Add more refs. A Soccer field is over 17 times the area of a basketball court and a world cup game has the same number of referees as an nba finals game. A regular season NFL game has seven men in stripes. And yeah refs always fuck up, its what they do, but you telling me that if there was a goal judge to sit behind each net that this goal woulda been missed?
Oh yeah and refs should have to explain their call and who it was on, but I feel like that one should have gone without saying.
4. The 2 yellow card rule is also bullshit. We covered the fact that there aren't enough referee's and that often puts them in poor position to make calls, but if they do make shitty calls (the Findley "Handball" in the Slovenia game) a player should not be forced to sit out for a game. That's booty son. If a player gets a yellow card, make their team play a man down for five minutes. Seems like a fair penalty for yellow cards that are deserved, but not overly harsh if there are horrible yellow card calls. Red cards are fine in my book, minus the 2 game suspension. That's booty too.
5. Hand out suspensions for flopping. I don't need to show you a youtube clip of soccer cats flopping. You know it happens. I know it happens. FIFA knows it happens. It makes it so easy to make the "joke" that soccer players are just kids who couldnt make the football team in high school when they stay on the ground holding their legs and crying when they barely get touched. Review the tapes, if there is an obvious flop the pussy gets a game. Happens again he gets 5. All of a sudden you won't see any floppin in the box (yeah 2 cheap box jokes in 1 blog, i'm a child get over it).
I'm not really sure how anyone still roots for the Cincinnati Bengals. But it is about time that somebody in sports realized that they could not salvage their reputation and just embraced the dark side. There have been many instances (I'm looking at you Tiger) where athletes or teams try a lot of PR stunts to save face after they get exposed for some wrong doing. But like Bobb'e J. Thompson would say That's booty son!
The Bengals have more than embraced the darkside. Oh, in 2006 we had 9 different players arrested? No biggie, let's add Tank Johnson who was arrested on gun charges earlier this year. Legally troubled Chris Henry died this passed year at the age of 26? Let's add Matt Jones who has been arrested and suspended for coke and Maurice Purify who promptly was arrested for being involved in a fight outside a club at 1 am, to replace him. Adding Pacman Jones, even though the Bengals start 2 first round draft picks at cornerback, only makes sense.
Alright, alright, I know I'm like 2 weeks late on this. Cut me some GD slack the weather has been unbelievably nice here in NYC and I've been on a steady diet of alcohol for, well, I guess a while.
Regardless, the NFL Draft was one of my favorite things I've done while in New York. Patty and I showed up blitzed with our friend Rob. It was more than a good thing that the security gaurd alertly swiped the fifth of vodka from out of my back pocket as we were walking in, not sure if I would have survived the night if he hadn't. Plus, I'm certain that Radio City Music Hall is not built to withstand a hurricane.
So when I say we ran shit at the draft, I kid you not. We were like Paul Sorvino's character in Goodfellas. We quickly made friends with a couple kids in our section and immediately started chanting things at any and all fans that walked by. Hot chick walks by? "You're our first pick!" Fat Jets fan starts giving us shit? "Gas-Tric Bi-Pass! Gas-Tric Bi-Pass" Pittsburgh's on the clock? We start chanting "No means no!" and it catches on with the enitre auditorium. Don't believe me?
Boom. Roasted. Did we feel a little bad that there was a Make-A-Wish Kid announcing the pick? Yeah, maybe a little but hey you cant win them all. But Hell, we even had 2 old dudes going up to the VIP section to get us beer, because for whatever reason they don't serve at the draft (guys if you're reading this I hope you're not still waiting at Faces and Names. We're not meeting you there, that place is for the birds.)
After Eric Berry was drafted by the Chiefs with the fifth pick, it came over the loud speaker that there would be a press conference in the press room downstairs. Patty decided he was going to go interview Berry by asking the question "You're last name sounds delicious!" Believe it or not he actually got down there and he txtd me "These guys think they're so sick with their press credentials when really they don't need shit"
Well after the Bills selected C.J. Spiller at #9 (more on this to come), all three of us clowns went down to try and interview him. A guy from nfl.com even wanted to interview me after C.J.was done but we had to bounce (aka turns out you do need credentials to be down there and security saw right through my Bills jersey).
Hands down though, the best part of the night was when the Jets were on the clock. Jets fans all of a sudden have lost all their roots as a lovable loser, and because they made it to the AFC Championship Game last year they thought they were the shit. Got news forya Jets fans the Bills won four of those in a row and we are still not the shit. You lost one in a row, Patty and I were gonna have to put you in your place.
But after chanting "Feed your children" at a fan in a Santonio Holmes jersey, "Suzy Kolber!" at a dude in a Namath jersey and cleverly finishing off every "J! E! T! S! JETS JETS JETS!" chat off by yelling "SUCK!" at the end wasn't enough to demoralize the shit out of the 40 or so Jets fans around us, we had to take matters a step further.
A camera was on a group of Jets fans chanting "Taylor Mays!" as the Jets were about to make their selection, and I went up and dry humped the guy in the Revis jersey and the backwards hat in the pic at the top. Now yeah, maybe that seems a little gay, but kinda like how dudes in prison rape dudes in the shower to take their spirit, there is nothing more demoralizing than finally getting your 2 seconds on TV and getting ur leg dry humped by a Bills fan. NOTHING.
Patty went after this chick that called herself the Draft Queen (could she have made it sound more like drag queen? Seriously, give us a challenge). Here's the clip
Yup, hit her with the old thumbs up, followed by the "What is this shit?... IT'S HORRIBLE!" Bitch never saw it coming. Her head is probably still spinning from that 1-2 combo. On top of this I'm pretty sure I remember Rob pushing an old man in a Roethlisberger jersey to the ground and holding him down. Not really sure how or why that happened, or when for that matter, but the guy was openly supporting a rapist so I'm sure he had it coming to him.
Now, I know none of you are still reading this but I'll give a quick recap of the winners and losers of the draft.
Losers- Jaguars and Bills.
Jags because the ownership is pulling a Major League and doing everything in it's power to make sure that fans do not go to any of their games so that they can move to LA, including drafting someone a round too high with each of it's picks.
I don't hate the Bills draft because of Spiller believe it or not. He was the only player on the board at #9 that was worth picking. Williams, Bulaga and Clausen all slid in the round and would have been reaches, whereas Spiller would have come off the board with the next pick. I hate the Bills draft because we spent almost every pick after the 1st round picking players to fit into the new 3-4 scheme. Tell me we couldn't have just played a 4-3 for a year until Stroud, Schobel and Kelsey were off contract and used our second through sixth round picks to revamp the offense? Maybe take a shot with Jimmy Clausen in the second round? GRUNT. (fyi if you received a text message from me after the Clausen pick saying "This is an automatted message from Sean D'Arcy: killed myself. couldn't take the Bills anymore" I was only kidding, I'm still alive, Praise Jesus.
