Tebow and Swift Attempt to Break the Internet Machine

NY Daily News- This week, country singer Taylor Swift is being linked to a different, non-Hollywood hunk: NFL quarterback Tim Tebow.
The pair was spotted grabbing dinner together at the Toscanova restaurant in Los Angeles' Century City mall this past Monday, and the Internet is already abuzz with rumors that the two are more than dining buddies.

Look, I'm on record as saying how much sweat both of these Christ-Lovers. Tebow can do pretty much anything except throw a football, and Taylor's got the whole blonde, country, skinny, take-home-to-your-mother thing going on that warms both my heart and my dick. But I gotta call bullshit on this one. No, not because if these two dated it would be the worst thing that happened to me since Ryan Reynolds and ScarJo got together. But if I know Tim Tebow like I think I know Tim Tebow, Taylor Swift is missing two very important assets...

Now We're Talkin...

Alright, if I had to name my favorite thing in the world it would have to be playing shuffleboard. Not the one they play in retirement homes with the sticks, but the one where you slide the pucks on the table with the sand. I fucking LOVE shuffleboard. But if I had to name my two favorite things in the world, it would have to be playing shuffleboard and making puns. My life would be 93% less enjoyable if it weren't for puns. No Seriously.

 But even I was getting tired of all these Lin-isms. Linning, Super Lintendo, Linderella, I want you Linside of me... they were driving me, well, Linsane. I figured that the All-Star break might be exactly what the city needed to cool down, and you know come up with some other story that was newsworthy that had nothing to do with an Asain basketball player from Harvard. That's when I run out to get a slice for dinner and run into this sign....

 $5 Lintinis? $4.50 Lin and Tonics? Now these are some Lin-ism I can fuckin get behind! Because if I had to name my third favorite thing it would for sure be getting shit faced on the cheap.

Joba Throwing off the Mound again... Looking Good, Feeling Good

So this is what I think I must look like when I'm showing a chick my vinegar strokes. Face puffed out, kinda sweaty, rockin' a little scruff, arms flailing, shirt definitely still on... Yup Joba, you nailed it. Thanks man, and sorry ladies.

But on a side note, Joba threw 16 fastballs off of a real mound for the first time since Tommy John surgery last summer yesterday. He will be working his way up to breaking balls later this week, and is expected to beat his eyed June return date to the Yanks' bullpen. Joba said after the session that his arm feels fine, but that his legs are tired. But you would be too if you had to carry around that porker all day, Heyooooooooo!

Landry Fields Wants to be a Champion, So Freakin Bad

So I don't know if it makes me gay to say it, but Landry Fields can fucking GET IT. Not only has he been averaging 11 points, 5 boards, 3 assists, a three and one 'Holy Shit, I didn't know Landry could do it like that' moment a game since Lin took over, but it turns out he has the voice of Fergie mixed with Jesus too.  Exactly what I'm looking for... out of my 2 guard.

How Are Boston Fans Going to Like Rooting for Baseball's Rex Ryan?

Tough question for all you Jerry Thortons out there, huh? I can't tell you how many columns over on Barstool Boston that I have scrolled past the last few years that I assumed were rambling on and on about how Rexy and the Jets were a bunch of headline-creating ass clowns who haven't won anything, but act like they have. Welp guys, how does it feel now that the shoe's on the other foot?

Since taking over the Sawx, Bobby V has made a point out of how Michael Pineda faded down the stretch last year, how Kuroda is another year older and leaving a 'Great Pitching Park,' took jabs at both Jeter and A-rod during his farewell to Varitek, and even lashed out at Francona, telling Tito "Remember, you're getting paid over there for saying stuff, you get paid over here for doing stuff. I've done both."

My man, I don't know what planet you've been living on, but it's not Earth. Something must have been lost in translation when you came back from Japan, because winning a title over there doesn't count for shit. You're in America now, where losing to the Yanks in the World Series doesn't count as "doing stuff." It's just something 26 other teams have done. So, stop worrying about plays Jeter made while Tino Martinez was still playing first base, and maybe start worrying about how Beckett thinks that it wasn't the booze in the dugout, but "The snitching [expletive]"that was the real problem last year.