So this apparently is Lady Gaga's new "alter ego", Jo Calderone. Also known as Lady Gaga was a man and always has been. I hope all you out there go one circle lower in hell for each time you beat off to shim in one of those weird ass outfits. In a completely unrelated note, please keep me in your prayers.
So my funemployment plan, other than to entertain you slaves to the man with my witty writing, was to find Megan Fox, make her fall in love with me, and the bang the shit out of her. Well that just got a little harder (that's what she said).
TMZ (and no I don't read that shit)-Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green tied the knot late last week in Hawaii, a source tells Star exclusively! “They had a fairly large wedding, but there were clearly more security people than guests! They had so many security people that they had to call in local security because the hotel security alone wouldn’t do. It was very hush hush. Everyone was sworn to secrecy.”
Don't worry Megan, I like a challenge. Don't think this will slow me down, well no more than every pint of dublin mudslide I eat to cope with this will.
Alright kids, I am now 100% funemployed and am free to be about 14% dedicated to getting this blog back up on it's feet. And I figured while I was in the saving things mood, I'd give Soccer a shot. J Christ, I've watched an awful lot of that wretched swine (singular form of the word) of a sport -it's the only thing on tv during the day, not because I wanted to- and HOLY SHIT it's not only boring, but the rules suck too. Soccer being the #1 sport in the world only reaffirms that the rest of the world is a 3rd world country and that they're opinions don't matter. But okay, here we go, I'll try and perform a minor miracle and save the game of soccer.
1. Mic up the players. Did you know that US Goalie has Tourette's? He should not only have been mic'ed, there shoulda been a picture in picture screen on him in case he started twitching out. I would have been glued to the tv set for whatever the metric equivalent to 90 minutes is.
2. Stop it with the offsides. That rule sucks. Yeah, I know that it's meant to stop cherry picking, and I get that. Cherry picking is the worst. But watching goals disallowed because a goalie was trying to make a save
is stupid, even if it was "the right call." Change the rule to something like lacrosse, where each team is required to keep at least three players on each side on the field at all times. This would require 3 defenders to always be back marking the cherry pickers and would open up the offensive end by not allowing teams to Stuff the Box (grow up). Someone over the past couple weeks told me that the great part of soccer is how difficult it is to score a goal. Child Please. If I wanted to watch people not score I'd spend my weekend nights watching Pattyshack try to talk to girls.
3. Add more refs. A Soccer field is over 17 times the area of a basketball court and a world cup game has the same number of referees as an nba finals game. A regular season NFL game has seven men in stripes. And yeah refs always fuck up, its what they do, but you telling me that if there was a goal judge to sit behind each net that this goal woulda been missed?
Oh yeah and refs should have to explain their call and who it was on, but I feel like that one should have gone without saying.
4. The 2 yellow card rule is also bullshit. We covered the fact that there aren't enough referee's and that often puts them in poor position to make calls, but if they do make shitty calls (the Findley "Handball" in the Slovenia game) a player should not be forced to sit out for a game. That's booty son. If a player gets a yellow card, make their team play a man down for five minutes. Seems like a fair penalty for yellow cards that are deserved, but not overly harsh if there are horrible yellow card calls. Red cards are fine in my book, minus the 2 game suspension. That's booty too.
5. Hand out suspensions for flopping. I don't need to show you a youtube clip of soccer cats flopping. You know it happens. I know it happens. FIFA knows it happens. It makes it so easy to make the "joke" that soccer players are just kids who couldnt make the football team in high school when they stay on the ground holding their legs and crying when they barely get touched. Review the tapes, if there is an obvious flop the pussy gets a game. Happens again he gets 5. All of a sudden you won't see any floppin in the box (yeah 2 cheap box jokes in 1 blog, i'm a child get over it).
