I'm not really sure how anyone still roots for the Cincinnati Bengals. But it is about time that somebody in sports realized that they could not salvage their reputation and just embraced the dark side. There have been many instances (I'm looking at you Tiger) where athletes or teams try a lot of PR stunts to save face after they get exposed for some wrong doing. But like Bobb'e J. Thompson would say That's booty son!
The Bengals have more than embraced the darkside. Oh, in 2006 we had 9 different players arrested? No biggie, let's add Tank Johnson who was arrested on gun charges earlier this year. Legally troubled Chris Henry died this passed year at the age of 26? Let's add Matt Jones who has been arrested and suspended for coke and Maurice Purify who promptly was arrested for being involved in a fight outside a club at 1 am, to replace him. Adding Pacman Jones, even though the Bengals start 2 first round draft picks at cornerback, only makes sense.
Alright, alright, I know I'm like 2 weeks late on this. Cut me some GD slack the weather has been unbelievably nice here in NYC and I've been on a steady diet of alcohol for, well, I guess a while.
Regardless, the NFL Draft was one of my favorite things I've done while in New York. Patty and I showed up blitzed with our friend Rob. It was more than a good thing that the security gaurd alertly swiped the fifth of vodka from out of my back pocket as we were walking in, not sure if I would have survived the night if he hadn't. Plus, I'm certain that Radio City Music Hall is not built to withstand a hurricane.
So when I say we ran shit at the draft, I kid you not. We were like Paul Sorvino's character in Goodfellas. We quickly made friends with a couple kids in our section and immediately started chanting things at any and all fans that walked by. Hot chick walks by? "You're our first pick!" Fat Jets fan starts giving us shit? "Gas-Tric Bi-Pass! Gas-Tric Bi-Pass" Pittsburgh's on the clock? We start chanting "No means no!" and it catches on with the enitre auditorium. Don't believe me?
Boom. Roasted. Did we feel a little bad that there was a Make-A-Wish Kid announcing the pick? Yeah, maybe a little but hey you cant win them all. But Hell, we even had 2 old dudes going up to the VIP section to get us beer, because for whatever reason they don't serve at the draft (guys if you're reading this I hope you're not still waiting at Faces and Names. We're not meeting you there, that place is for the birds.)
After Eric Berry was drafted by the Chiefs with the fifth pick, it came over the loud speaker that there would be a press conference in the press room downstairs. Patty decided he was going to go interview Berry by asking the question "You're last name sounds delicious!" Believe it or not he actually got down there and he txtd me "These guys think they're so sick with their press credentials when really they don't need shit"
Well after the Bills selected C.J. Spiller at #9 (more on this to come), all three of us clowns went down to try and interview him. A guy from nfl.com even wanted to interview me after C.J.was done but we had to bounce (aka turns out you do need credentials to be down there and security saw right through my Bills jersey).
Hands down though, the best part of the night was when the Jets were on the clock. Jets fans all of a sudden have lost all their roots as a lovable loser, and because they made it to the AFC Championship Game last year they thought they were the shit. Got news forya Jets fans the Bills won four of those in a row and we are still not the shit. You lost one in a row, Patty and I were gonna have to put you in your place.
But after chanting "Feed your children" at a fan in a Santonio Holmes jersey, "Suzy Kolber!" at a dude in a Namath jersey and cleverly finishing off every "J! E! T! S! JETS JETS JETS!" chat off by yelling "SUCK!" at the end wasn't enough to demoralize the shit out of the 40 or so Jets fans around us, we had to take matters a step further.
A camera was on a group of Jets fans chanting "Taylor Mays!" as the Jets were about to make their selection, and I went up and dry humped the guy in the Revis jersey and the backwards hat in the pic at the top. Now yeah, maybe that seems a little gay, but kinda like how dudes in prison rape dudes in the shower to take their spirit, there is nothing more demoralizing than finally getting your 2 seconds on TV and getting ur leg dry humped by a Bills fan. NOTHING.
Patty went after this chick that called herself the Draft Queen (could she have made it sound more like drag queen? Seriously, give us a challenge). Here's the clip
Yup, hit her with the old thumbs up, followed by the "What is this shit?... IT'S HORRIBLE!" Bitch never saw it coming. Her head is probably still spinning from that 1-2 combo. On top of this I'm pretty sure I remember Rob pushing an old man in a Roethlisberger jersey to the ground and holding him down. Not really sure how or why that happened, or when for that matter, but the guy was openly supporting a rapist so I'm sure he had it coming to him.
Now, I know none of you are still reading this but I'll give a quick recap of the winners and losers of the draft.
Losers- Jaguars and Bills.
Jags because the ownership is pulling a Major League and doing everything in it's power to make sure that fans do not go to any of their games so that they can move to LA, including drafting someone a round too high with each of it's picks.
I don't hate the Bills draft because of Spiller believe it or not. He was the only player on the board at #9 that was worth picking. Williams, Bulaga and Clausen all slid in the round and would have been reaches, whereas Spiller would have come off the board with the next pick. I hate the Bills draft because we spent almost every pick after the 1st round picking players to fit into the new 3-4 scheme. Tell me we couldn't have just played a 4-3 for a year until Stroud, Schobel and Kelsey were off contract and used our second through sixth round picks to revamp the offense? Maybe take a shot with Jimmy Clausen in the second round? GRUNT. (fyi if you received a text message from me after the Clausen pick saying "This is an automatted message from Sean D'Arcy: killed myself. couldn't take the Bills anymore" I was only kidding, I'm still alive, Praise Jesus.
